From the Director of Diversity and Inclusion K–12

Using declarative language to build connections with our young people 

Children are more likely to engage when they feel seen, heard, valued and understood.

Strong relationships:

• Build trust
• Increase a sense of belonging
• Support resilience
• Make children more receptive to guidance and feedback

Declarative language is a way of communicating that shares what you notice, think, wonder, feel or expect, rather than directing, questioning or correcting. It is widely used in relationship‑based approaches, autism support, restorative practices and responsive teaching because it promotes collaboration, autonomy and trust. Declarative language invites young people to engage, connect and feel understood.

Linda K. Murphy, author of the Declarative Language Handbook (2020), teaches caregivers and educators to use declarative language – statements that share information rather than give commands – to support social learning, flexibility, problem‑solving and co‑regulation, particularly for neurodivergent learners.

Benefits of Declarative Language with Children

1. Reduces pressure and anxiety 

Declarative statements do not require an immediate response. This can be especially helpful for children who:

• Are neurodivergent
• Have speech or language delays
• Experience anxiety
• Need extra processing time.

Example:

• Instead of: “What do you need?”
• Use: “I see you’re looking at the shelf.”

This allows the child to communicate when they are ready.

2. Supports natural language development 

Children learn language through repeated exposure to meaningful models. Declarative language:

• Provides rich vocabulary
• Demonstrates sentence structure
• Exposes children to conversational language.

Example:

• “The dog is running very fast.” rather than
• “What’s the dog doing?”

3. Encourages independent thinking 

Instead of giving solutions or directing behaviour, declarative language invites children to:

• Notice information
• Problem‑solve
• Make decisions.

Example:

• Instead of: “Put your coat on.”
• Say: “It’s quite cold outside today.”

The child is encouraged to connect the information with an appropriate action.

4. Promotes social communication 

Declarative comments resemble natural conversations more than questions or demands. They help children learn:

• Turn‑taking
• Shared attention
• Reciprocal interaction.

Example:

• “I can hear birds singing outside.” This creates an opportunity for the child to respond, comment, or simply share the moment.

5. Builds confidence 

Frequent questions can make children feel tested or worried about giving the wrong answer. Declarative language:

• Removes the expectation of a “right answer”
• Validates observations and experiences
• Creates a more positive communication environment

6. Supports emotional regulation 

Declarative language helps children identify and understand feelings without judgment.

Example:

• Instead of: “Why are you upset?”
• Say: “That looks frustrating.”

This acknowledges emotions and supports emotional awareness.

7. Strengthen relationships 

Because declarative language is less directive and more collaborative, it helps build:

• Trust
• Connection
• Mutual respect

Children often become more willing to engage when they feel understood rather than questioned.

Free resources

Below are two free resources from Linda Murphy’s website that may be a helpful starting point:

• Declarative Language Overview
• Free Printable Guides