Passive Aggression

We often talk about the problems associated with aggressive behaviour. It’s fair to say that human aggression doesn’t have a lot going for it and reacting without thinking is frequently the cause of verbal and physical fights and in extreme cases, even wars. One thing that aggression has in its favour though is that it is unambiguous. It’s hard, if not impossible, to misunderstand the meaning of a punch in the face, or being described as a #$*#%*# #$@*! People often fall in to the trap of associating aggression with boys. If I had a penny for the number of times I’ve overheard people saying things along the lines of…. “boys solve their problems physically, then they get over it”, I’d be rich. Since working in the counselling suites, I’ve noticed that boys just as often engage in, or fall victim to, passive-aggressive behaviour, which can be just as damaging as aggression, if not more so, because it is harder to detect and even harder to know how to manage.

So, what is passive-aggressive behaviour? It has been defined as the expression of negative feelings, resentment and aggression in an unassertive, indirect or passive way. It’s there, but it’s not… you see it, but you don’t… A person acting passive-aggressively may appear to be complying, acting appropriately or even amicably in some instances on the surface. Some of the ways they express their negative feelings are through deliberate inefficiency, avoidance of responsibility and refusal to state their concerns directly. Sometimes, they even place the blame on the victim, if/when the victim reacts to the passive aggressive behaviour.

Some examples of passive aggressive behaviour that I have seen amongst students include:

exclusion of a member of a friendship group from a group chat/email
ignoring someone either in person or in a group chat/online
making subtle references to someone in conversation or online then denying it (e.g. the cryptic status update following a disagreement)
posting embarrassing content of a friend online but claiming it’s all in good fun
back-handed compliments and the non-compliment (e.g. “new shirt?”; “yeah”; *crickets*)
failing to acknowledge the achievements or efforts of friends
disguised insults – beware of “but” statements and those who claim they are being “brutally honest” (aka rude) because they are being a good friend (e.g. “please don’t take offence/I don’t want to sound mean but you said some really stupid things last night”; “I thought you should know that x really doesn’t like you”)
failing to turn up to previously planned social events/meetings or pulling out at the last minute
when spending time together, spending excessive time on the phone, either making/taking calls or texting at the exclusion of the other person
gossiping
not pulling their weight in group assignments
guilt-tripping
stating their wishes involving the victim (e.g. “I really wish you could let me copy your work but that’s ok if you don’t want me to”)
the silent treatment
sabotage (e.g. not telling someone about an upcoming deadline until the last minute)
disclosing secrets to others
disclosing information to people that will lead to negative outcomes for the victim (e.g. telling the teacher that the student who requested an extension was online gaming the previous night)
false apologies that do not involve taking responsibility but implicitly place the blame on the victim (e.g. “I’m sorry you feel that way”)
making the victim out to be over-reacting, paranoid or hysterical if they try to discuss any of the aforementioned behaviours! (“gee, are you right mate?”, “he’s got a short fuse…”)

The insidiousness of passive aggressive behaviour can make it difficult to detect and thus, very difficult to address. For this reason, it can be infuriating for not only the victims of passive aggressive behaviour, but for the parents of victims. So what can you do, or tell your child who is being subjected to passive aggressive behaviour to do?

If this is the first instance of passive aggressive behaviour from a person, try not to jump to a negative conclusion. Ask yourself if there are different ways of viewing the situation. Is it possible that your friend has not replied to your text because they got distracted (as opposed to them not liking you)? Try not to personalise the behaviour as difficult as this is – most of the time, when people behave in negative ways, it is more of a reflection on them than the victim.
If you notice a pattern of passive-aggressive behaviour, then for starters, remember that you’re not going crazy! If there’s a pattern, then chances are it’s real. Respond to it and put boundaries in place. For example, tell the friend who always cancels at the last minute that they won’t be invited to future social events if they do this again, or the friend who does not pull their weight in group assignments that you’ll be choosing to work with someone else for the next assignment.
Try to remain calm. It can be very upsetting dealing with passive aggressive behaviour and tempting to “strike back” by arguing or becoming passive aggressive yourself. Try not to give someone the power to turn you in to someone you don’t want to be. If you need and if this is possible, a better option may be to distance yourself from this person until you feel calm. If you can manage, remind yourself that this is their problem, maintain your composure, act as you normally would around them, and hopefully they will soon tire of their immature behaviour. Some people who engage in passive aggressive behaviour will want to provoke you so if you respond negatively, you are giving them what they want, and they may continue.
Use humour to highlight the behaviour, disarm the perpetrator and show that you have superior composure.
If you choose to confront the person, always do this face to face, one on one, instead of over text message, email or in a group setting. Be very specific about what is bothering you, the facts and the details, and try hard to remain calm. Be prepared for the perpetrator to deny their role in things though and if this is the case, consider politely ending the conversation before you become frustrated.
Consider why the perpetrator may have started acting this way and if possible, try to address the underlying issue. For example, could they be upset about some other issue that has not been resolved? This may require some participation on their behalf, which they may not be ready or willing to do though.
Reassess your relationship with the perpetrator. Ask yourself what qualities you look for in a friend, and whether this person is someone who adds to your life in a positive way. Remember, there is no point remaining in a toxic friendship just because you have known someone for a long time.
Document the behaviour and/or report it to a trusted teacher or Head of House. If more people are aware of what has been happening, they can look out for signs of it, and may be able to catch perpetrators in the act. Having an objective person witness the behaviour can be very validating.

Sometimes, students dealing with passive aggressive behaviour may benefit from counselling support.

If you are concerned about your child’s mental health or wellbeing, please contact the student counselling service at counselling@bps.sa.edu.au

Dr Lucinda Clifford

PSYCHOLOGIST

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