Wellbeing

Teaching Young People to Say "No": 

Building Confidence, Respect and Healthy Boundaries 

The teenage years can be challenging for both parents and teenagers as they navigate increasing independence, changing friendships and figuring out who they are.

 Along the way, they will inevitably face situations where they need to confidently say "no". 

One of the most important messages we can give our teens is to make choices that align with their values. Every decision they make either moves them closer to the person they want to be or further away from those values.

Saying "no" is much easier when these conversations have already happened at home.

 Talking through possible scenarios before they arise helps teenagers think ahead and feel more prepared if they find themselves under pressure.

 Just as importantly, they are always watching us. When they see us respectfully and confidently set boundaries and say "no" in our own lives, they learn that it's possible to stand by your values while still maintaining healthy relationships. Those everyday moments can become some of the most powerful lessons we teach.

Encouraging Self-Respect and Healthy Boundaries

Healthy boundaries begin with recognising our own dignity and respecting the dignity of others. Helping young people understand that they have the right to make choices that reflect their values is an important part of building resilience.

Parents can encourage conversations by asking questions such as:

• Is this something you really want to do?

• How would you feel if you said yes? How would you feel if you said no?

• Does this choice align with your values?

• Would you feel proud of this decision tomorrow?

• What would help you feel safe and respected in this situation?

These conversations help teenagers think through situations before they encounter them.

Give Them the Words

Sometimes young people know they want to decline but simply don't know what to say. Make it safe for them at home to practice using their voice.

Simple responses can make a big difference:

• "No, thank you."

• "I'm not comfortable with that."

• "That's not for me."

• "I have other plans."

• "I'd rather not."

• "My parents are expecting me home."

• "Maybe another time."

Practising these phrases at home can help them feel more confident using them when needed.

Practise Through Everyday Conversations

Role-playing everyday situations can help teenagers build confidence before they face real-life challenges.

Parents might ask:

• What would you do if your friends encouraged you to do something you knew wasn't right?

• What if you felt uncomfortable at a gathering?

• How could you respond if someone pressured you to ignore your values?

These conversations are most effective when they happen naturally—over dinner, in the car, or while spending time together.

Look for Everyday Teaching Moments

Television shows, movies and news stories often provide opportunities to discuss choices, relationships and peer pressure.

Questions such as:

• What do you think happened there?

• What choices did that person have?

• What might you have done differently?

• How do you think that decision affected others?

can encourage thoughtful discussion without feeling like a lecture.

Create a Family Safety Plan

It's reassuring for teenagers to know they can always contact a parent or trusted adult if they feel uncomfortable or unsafe.

Some families establish a code word or simple text message that signals a young person needs to be collected without having to explain the situation in front of friends. Knowing there is always a safe way out can give young people the confidence to leave situations that don't feel right.

Model Respectful Assertiveness

Children and teenagers learn a great deal by watching the adults around them.

When parents respectfully decline invitations, set healthy boundaries, or speak kindly but firmly, they demonstrate that saying "no" can be done with confidence and respect.

Simple examples include:

• "Thank you for inviting me, but I won't be able to attend."

• "I'm unable to help today, but perhaps another time."

• "That doesn't work for me."

These everyday examples show that healthy boundaries are a normal part of respectful relationships.

A Lifelong Skill

Teaching young people to say "no" is about far more than avoiding poor choices. It is about helping them develop wisdom, courage and confidence so they can make decisions that reflect their values, respect themselves and others, and contribute positively to their communities.

With ongoing conversations, encouragement and positive role modelling, families can help young people develop the confidence to make thoughtful choices and stand firm in what they know is right.

Gould, S. (2023). Teaching tweens and teens to say "No": Empowering assertiveness and boundaries.