Building problem-solving skills

When parents solve all children’s problems we not only increase their dependency on adults, we also teach kids to be afraid of making mistakes and to blame themselves for not being good enough. This is fertile ground for anxiousness and depressive illness.

So how can we raise kids to be courageous problem-solvers rather than self-critical, low risk-takers? Here are some practical ideas to get you started:

Turn requests for help into problems for kids to solve

Kids get used to bringing their problems to parents to solve. If you keep solving them, they’ll keep bringing them. “Mum, Sarah’s annoying me” “Dad, can you ask my teacher to pick me for the team?” “Hey, I can’t find my socks!” It’s tempting if you are in a time-poor family to simply jump in and help kids out. Alternatively, you can take a problem-solving approach, cuing them to resolve their own problems and take responsibility for their concerns. “What can you do to make her stop annoying you?” “What’s the best approach to take with your teacher?” “Socks, smocks! Where might they be?”

Ask good questions to prompt problem-solving

A problem-solving approach relies on asking good questions, which can be challenging if you are used to solving your child’s problems. The first question when a child brings you a problem should be: 'Can you handle this on your own?' Next should be, 'What do you want me to do to help you solve the problem?' These questions are not meant to deter children from coming to you. Rather to encourage and teach them to start working through their own concerns themselves.

Prepare kids for problems and contingencies

You may coach your child to be independent – walk to school, spend some time alone at home (when old enough), catch a train with friends – but do they know what to do in an emergency? What happens if they come home after school and the house is locked? Who do they go to? Discuss different scenarios with children whenever they enter new or potentially risky situations so that they won’t fall apart when things don’t go their way. Remember, the Boy Scouts motto – 'Be Prepared'.

Show a little faith

Sometimes you’ve got to show faith in children. We can easily trip them up with our negative expectations such as saying “Don’t spill it!” to a child who is carrying a glass filled with water. Of course, your child doesn’t want to spill it but you’ve just conveyed your expectations with that statement. We need to be careful that we don’t sabotage children’s efforts to be independent problem-solvers with comments such as, 'Now don’t stuff it up!', 'You’ll be okay, won’t you?', and 'You’re not very good at looking after yourself'.

Applaud mistakes and stuff ups

Would a child who accidentally breaks a plate in your family while emptying the dishwasher be met with a ‘that’s really annoying, you can be clumsy sometimes’ response or a ‘it doesn’t matter, thanks for your help’ type of response? Hopefully it won’t be the first response, because nothing shuts down a child’s natural tendencies to extend themselves quicker than an adult who can’t abide mistakes. If you have a low risk-taking, perfectionist child, consider throwing a little party rather than making a fuss when they make errors so they can learn that mistakes don’t reflect on them personally, and that the sun will still shine even if they break a plate, tell a joke that falls flat or doesn’t get a perfect exam score.

As I’ve often said your job as a parent is to make yourself redundant (which is different to being irrelevant) at the earliest possible age. The ability to sort and solve your own problems, rather than step back and expect others to resolve them, is usually developed in childhood. With repetition and practice problem-solving becomes a valuable life-pattern, to be used in the workplace, in the community and in family relationships.

Reference : Michael Grose, founder of Parenting Ideas.

Wellbeing referrals

Students can continue to access Wellbeing support from our qualified practitioners. Referrals can be made through emailing the relevant Student Manager:

Year 7 BCGH Deborah McKay
Year 7 ADEF Petra Witt
Year 8 ACE (1st half of G) Steve Williams
Year 8 BDF (2nd half of G) Mel Erwin
Year 9 EFGH Phil Hull
Year 9 ABCD Amanda O'Hara
Year 10 A-K Emma Colmanet
Year 10 L-Z Dolores Doran
Year 11 A - L Leah Liakos
Year 11 M- Z Jackie Matthews
Year 12 A – Mcrae Tess Molina
Year 12 Modra - Z Clare Selir

Resources for Anxious Teens and Children:

Help Lines:

National 24/7 crisis services
Lifeline: 13 11 14 or lifeline.org.au
Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467 or suicidecallbackservice.org.au
beyondblue: 1300 224 636 or beyondblue.org.au
headspace: visit headspace.org.au
Kids Helpline: 1800 55 1800 or kidshelpline.com.au
ReachOut: reachout.com
Parentline 132289

24-hour telephone counselling: If you need to talk to someone call:

Lifeline on 13 11 14
Kids Helpline on 1800 551 800
Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467
Headspace 1800 650 890
Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636

Online counselling:

eheadspace.org.au - non-crisis service
Lifeline - lifeline.org.au
Kids Helpline (for 12-25 year olds) - https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling

The Wellbeing Team

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