The art of good conversation with young people

Conversations can be challenging with every age-group, young and old, and for so many different reasons. With children and teens just getting the conversation going can be the biggest challenge – How many times have you said, “how was your day?” only to be told “Good” or asked them what they did today only to be told “not much”! So where to start?

8 tips for turning chit-chat in to richer conversation

1. Donʼt wait for young people to ask questions or reach out. Raise discussions yourself

2. Be open about your own experiences, in doing so, children are more likely to be open and honest

3. Choose your timing – preferably when you are naturally together anyway in a relaxed setting, rather than setting up a stressful, anxiety provoking meeting. Side by side chats work well (e.g. while driving, walking, doing an activity together like a chore or jigsaw)

4. Be calm, prepared and genuinely ready to give your time and attention

5. Listen in a nonjudgmental and curious way. Ask, donʼt assume! Remember that this is a chance for the speaker to talk through their feelings, not for you to fix their problems.

6. Acknowledge and validate their feelings. Donʼt minimize their concerns or fears. Whilst they may seem trivial to you, they are real for your child and part of their current experience. Try to understand the importance of what is going on,

and the impact for them. Reassure them that whatever they are feeling is okay

7. Leading relationship research tells us that ʻunderstanding must precede adviceʼ. Premature problem solving tends to shut people down. Solution finding should only begin once you feel you understand what your teen is going through, and your teen feels understood.

8. Remember that you do not need to have all of the answers. Ask young people questions like ʻwhat do you need?ʼ, ʻwhat do you think would help?ʼ, ʻhow can I support you better?ʼ, ʻwhat would make this easier for you?ʼ. Then together you can come up with an action plan.

How to be a good listener

Great conversation requires great listening. Listening well reduces misunderstanding, eliminates conflict and allows us to understand the other personʼs perspective.

Listening is the key to empathy.

Feeling heard is very validating for young people and it helps to increase their self-esteem, confidence and independence. It also improves relationships and communication skills – so how can we do it well with young people of all ages.

Be present, make eye contact and remove distractions – donʼt be half in half outListen with the opportunity to learn, not respond

Play the same role for your child as a trampoline does – to bounce ideas of, amplify, energise and clarify, provide support.

Be comfortable in silence – you donʼt need to respond immediately; holding space and silence for someone; share insights thatHave a beige face – neutral, not reacting, remain calm and listenRemain curious throughout

Becoming an active listener to further improve conversation

Active listening has 3 steps.

Hearing

What did you think you were told?

Understanding

What does this mean to you?

Assessing

Does the statement make sense to you?

Active listening includes:

Non-verbal responses – eye contact, nodding, postureEncouragers – mmm, yes, right, okay, uh-huhReflection of content and feelings – stating back events or emotions Matching young peopleʼs language/terms – when appropriate Summarising – brief replay of what was saidNoticing what is missing – gaps, conflicting info, hidden meanings

Finally, here are some effective responses to keep the conversation going while listening actively

Could you tell me more about that?

What happened next?

That must have hurt/felt ....

How have you handled things like this before?

I can see this is really troubling you

You feel (emotion) because of (situation)?

Could you repeat that? I want to really understand

I like how you said ......

What options might we have in this situation?

Good conversation with young people, comes down to time – creating the time and space and then using that time wisely, perhaps by using the tips above. The art of good conversation teaches us all to build great communication skills, skills that Improve our quality of life enabling us to express ourselves clearly and confidently through every aspect of our life.

Lucy Snowball

Lucy Snowball is the Data and Youth Insights Director at Raise Foundation. Raise offers early intervention, evidence-based mentoring for young people in high schools with trained and trusted independent adults. Find out more about Raise at www.raise.org.au.

Mackellar Buzz

Issue 2 · 21 Feb 2023

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