Wellbeing

Staying on the Same Team

When children say or do something rude or disrespectful, it can be tempting to reach immediately for a consequence: No dessert. No screen time. You're not going to the party anymore.

But an article I recently read from The Occuplaytional Therapist prompted me to think about an important question:

Is the consequence actually helping a child learn — or are we sometimes responding because we feel that something needs to happen?

In Ice Creams & Same Teams, the author describes a very common parenting moment. Their child had been promised an ice cream with lunch, but then said something rude. Their immediate instinct was to take the ice cream away.

Instead, they stopped.

The ice cream wasn't connected to the behaviour. Taking it away wouldn't teach the child how to communicate differently, repair a relationship or manage their frustration. It would simply add another conflict to a moment when both parent and child were already frustrated.

What I particularly like about this story is that the alternative isn't “just let children do whatever they want.” The adult still recognises that the words were rude. Instead of escalating the situation, though, they recognise that both of them need some space to regulate. They take a break, eat lunch, reconnect — and the promised ice cream stays.

There is a useful message here for both home and school. Children absolutely need boundaries and accountability, but consequences are most useful when they help children learn. Sometimes the most helpful response isn't adding a punishment. It might be helping a child calm down, giving them an opportunity to try again, repairing harm, practising a missing skill, or using a logical consequence directly connected to what happened.

And sometimes, as the author points out, not every mistake needs to become a teaching moment right then and there. Children — like adults — sometimes need the opportunity to calm down and move forward.

The article finishes with a beautiful description of eating those ice creams together: “They tasted like being on the same team.”

I think that's a helpful idea to hold onto when responding to challenging behaviour. We can address behaviour, maintain boundaries and teach children important skills while still communicating "I'm on your side. We're going to work this out together."

I highly recommend taking a few minutes to read the original story. It's short, relatable and captures this idea far better than a list of parenting strategies ever could.

Read “Ice Creams & Same Teams” – The Occuplaytional Therapist