Mental Health and Wellbeing Update

Nikki Olsen

Asking for Help, Confidently

Building Learning Confidence, Together

At Ripponlea, we want every student to feel safe asking for help - whether they're worried about classmates will notice they're stuck, unsure how a teacher will react, or simply haven't yet learned how to put their difficulty into words. This newsletter brings together what we explicitly teach students about asking for help, the research behind why this skill matters so much, and practical strategies, scripts and conversation starters families can use at home.

OUR KEY MESSAGE

Asking for help does not mean a student cannot learn. It means they have noticed what they need in order to keep learning.

THIS WEEK'S KEY MESSAGE

Struggling in silence is not a sign of resilience. The most effective learners are those who notice early that they are stuck and know how to get the right kind of help to keep going.

NOTICE THE EARLY SIGNS

Avoidance of help-seeking can build up gradually and quietly. Early signs may include:

saying “I don't know” and stopping, rather than attempting the task
rubbing out or hiding work rather than asking a question about it
negative self- talk comments such as “I'm dumb” or “everyone else already gets it”
half-raising a hand, then putting it down again without asking
rushing or guessing to finish quickly, rather than checking understanding
becoming upset, frustrated or shutting down when work feels difficult
avoiding particular subjects or tasks where they might be seen to struggle
asking a parent to simply do the task, rather than asking how to do it

Responding early - before avoidance becomes a habit - makes it far easier for children to reconnect with asking for help as a normal part of learning.

UNDERSTANDING WHY CHILDREN AVOID ASKING FOR HELP

Educational psychologists including Allison Ryan, Carol Midgley and colleagues have studied academic help-seeking for over two decades. Their research, along with more recent developmental studies, points to four common and overlapping barriers that can stop a child from asking for help even when they clearly need it.

These are not character flaws. Most children experience more than one of these barriers, and which one is strongest can change depending on the subject, the day, or who is nearby.

DRIVER	WHAT IT MAY LOOK LIKE	MATCH THE PLAN TO THE DRIVER
1. Fear of looking incompetent	Believes needing help means “not smart.” May say “everyone else understands it,” hide work, or avoid raising a hand.	Normalise struggle as part of learning. Separate effort from ability. Praise the noticing and the asking, not only correct answers.
2. Fear of judgement from peers	Worried peers will think less of them or laugh. Only asks when no one is watching, or hides confusion in group work.	Build a family and classroom culture where help-seeking is expected, not exceptional. Model your own help-seeking often and openly.
3. Wanting to appear independent	Says “I've got it,” then quietly gives up. Refuses offered help, or insists on solving it alone even after a long struggle.	Offer scaffolded choices (“Would you like a hint, or to talk it through?”). Give them control over how help is given.
4. Not noticing they're stuck, or not knowing how to ask	Keeps repeating the same approach without realising it isn't working, or is unsure who to approach for help.	Teach the explicit “pause and notice” step, a clear script, and who to ask first in each setting (sibling, parent, teacher).

A landmark study published in Scientific American found that children as young as five years old already worry about how asking a question will make them look to others -much earlier than psychologists once assumed. This is why building a classroom and family culture where help-seeking is expected, not exceptional, matters from the earliest years of school.

WHEN YOUR CHILD SAYS “I DON'T NEED HELP” (OR WON'T ASK)

A child's reluctance to ask for help is often genuine, even when the barrier isn't obvious. Parents can acknowledge the difficulty while calmly keeping the expectation that help-seeking is a normal, expected part of learning.

“It's OK not to know this yet. What's one part you do understand?”
“Strong learners ask questions - that's different from not trying.”
“You don't have to get it right the first time.”
“What have you already tried?”
“Who could you ask if you're still stuck - me, a friend or your teacher?”

Try to avoid immediately supplying the answer or taking over the task. Research on self-regulated learning shows that when adults jump straight to solving the problem, children get short-term relief but lose the chance to practice noticing, naming and requesting the specific help they need.

TEACH THE HELP-SEEKING PATHWAY

We teach students a simple, repeatable sequence for asking for help clearly and calmly:

1 PAUSE

Notice I'm stuck

2 TRY

Use one strategy

3 IDENTIFY

Find the problem

4 ASK

Use a clear question

5 APPLY

Use the help

“I understand this part_...... I have tried ……_. I am stuck on ……__. Could you help me with the next step?”

This sentence starter does three things at once: it shows what the child already knows, proves they made a genuine attempt, and asks for a specific next step rather than the whole answer. Practicing this phrase at home - even for everyday problems like a jammed zipper or doing up a shoelace - makes it far more available to a child under pressure at school.

SWITCH TO A HELPFUL LEARNING THOUGHT

A STUCK THOUGHT	A HELPFUL THOUGHT
“If I ask, everyone will know I don't understand.”	“Strong learners notice when they're stuck and choose a strategy.”
“The teacher might be annoyed or think I wasn't listening.”	“I can show what I've tried and ask a specific question.”
“I'm going to get it wrong.”	“A mistake can show me what to practice next.”
“Everyone else is better than me.”	“I'll compare my progress with where I started.”
“Asking for help means I'm not good enough.”	“Asking for help is what confident learners do.”

WHY THIS MATTERS: THE RESEARCH

Asking for help is best understood as a self-regulated learning strategy, not a sign of low ability. Effective learners notice when their current approach isn't working, decide what assistance they need, and use that help to keep going independently. Research reviewed by Ryan, Gheen and Midgley shows that avoiding necessary help is linked with greater anxiety and weaker learning over time, while adaptive help-seeking supports engagement, persistence and academic progress.

This is different from simply asking someone to complete the task for you. The goal isn't more questions - it's teaching children to ask for the kind of help that lets them resume learning on their own.

Modelling at home is important, this means the more often children see the adults and peers around them ask for help matter-of-factly, the more natural it becomes for them to do the same.

The Education Endowment Foundation's evidence review of metacognition and self-regulation similarly finds that explicitly teaching children how to plan, monitor and evaluate their own learning -including recognising when to seek help - has one of the largest impacts of any teaching strategy on pupil progress, and is low cost to implement at home as well as at school.

MODEL IT YOURSELF

Children learn a huge amount from watching how the adults around them handle not knowing something. Psychologists who work with families on help-seeking skills consistently point to modelling as one of the most powerful levers parents have.

Say it out loud: “I'm not sure how to fix this - I'm going to look it up” or “I'll ask your dad, he's better at this than me.”
Let your child see you accept help gracefully, including from them - invite them to help with something you're genuinely unsure about.
Avoid apologising for needing help (“sorry, this is probably a silly question”) - children absorb the idea that help-seeking needs an apology.
Thank the people who help you, so children see help-seeking as building relationships, not just solving problems.

TRY THIS SHORT CONVERSATION

Child: “I can't do this.”

Adult: “It feels hard right now. You can't do it YET. What's one part you understand?”

Child: “I don't know what to do next.”

Adult: “What strategy could you try, or who could you ask for help?”

Child: “Maybe I could ask my teacher tomorrow.”

Adult: “That sounds like a great plan. What will you say?”

WHAT YOU CAN PRACTISE AT HOME

When your child says “I can't do it,” gently add: “YET. What is one thing you could try?”
Ask, “What have you already tried?” rather than immediately giving the answer.
Help break a difficult task into one small first step.
Encourage help-seeking: “Who could you ask if you're still stuck?”
Notice effort and strategy, not just results: “You asked for help instead of giving up.”
Praise the process rather than intelligence - research on children's motivation shows that praising ability (“you're so smart”) can make children more likely to hide mistakes and avoid future challenges, while praising strategy and effort builds willingness to ask for help.
Agree on a simple household “stuck signal” for homework time, and a short list of who to ask first for different problems (a sibling, a parent, an app, or waiting to ask the teacher).
Keep your own reaction calm and curious when your child gets something wrong - a relaxed response teaches them that mistakes are informative, not dangerous.

SUPPORT BRAVE BEHAVIOUR

Notice and praise the specific behaviour you want to encourage:

“You tried it yourself before asking — that's exactly the right order.”
“You used your sentence starter to ask a clear question.”
“You kept going even though you felt unsure.”
“You asked for help and then finished the rest yourself.”

Praise effort, courage and the act of asking, rather than waiting for a perfect or fully independent result. The aim is progress, not perfection.

A SMALL GOAL FOR THIS WEEK

Ask your child about the help-seeking goal they chose at school this week. Encourage one small action at home - for example, using a discreet signal, asking a question when unsure, or trying one strategy before asking for help.

WHEN ADDITIONAL SUPPORT MAY HELP

A growth mindset doesn't mean every difficulty can be solved simply by trying harder. Consider seeking additional support when:

distress about mistakes or difficult tasks is severe, frequent or increasing
your child is avoiding schoolwork, specific subjects or activities altogether
perfectionistic behaviours appear, such as repeatedly rubbing out work, refusing to start, or meltdowns over small errors
your child cannot be reassured and remains distressed well after the task has ended
the current strategies at home are not leading to any improvement over several weeks

Families may wish to speak with their GP, or an appropriate child psychologist. If you would like to speak with the school please send an email to Nikki. Sharing what you're noticing early helps families and school staff build a consistent, shared plan.

THIS WEEK'S TAKEAWAY

Confident learners are not the ones who never get stuck -they are the ones who notice they're stuck, know what to try, and know how to ask for exactly the help they need. Small, consistent encouragement at home, alongside what we teach at school, helps children build this skill for life.

Nikki

TRUSTED RESOURCES AND FURTHER READING

Won and colleagues — Antecedents and Consequences of Academic Help-Seeking

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