Every Child Can Shine: Breaking the Comparison Trap

As a mother of two teenagers, I have often been asked: “Who is better? Who do you love more?” My consistent answer is: “You are both wonderful in different ways, and I love you both the same.”

Yet, as parents, we can unintentionally send a different message. One child may achieve higher grades, be more confident or simply easier to parent. We may compare one child’s weakness with another’s strength—a sibling, classmate or another family’s seemingly “perfect” child—hoping it will motivate them to try harder. But comparison can have the opposite effect. A young person may internalise: “I’m never good enough.” Over time, this can affect self-worth and wellbeing, contribute to anxiety, and create tension or distance within the family.

Instead, we can broaden what we notice and celebrate. One child may bring home A grades while another shines through kindness, creativity or teamwork. Every child is “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14), with their own strengths, personality, pace and potential.

So, perhaps a better and more intentional question we can ask as parents is: “What are their unique strengths, and how can we help them shine?”

When children feel truly seen, valued and believed in, we may be surprised by how beautifully they flourish.

Yan Jin

College Counsellor