Solving problems

Life can chuck all sorts of stuff at us, and effective problem-solving skills can mean the difference between being able to cope and feeling completely overwhelmed.

By learning to negotiate solutions to everyday problems and make decisions for themselves, your child will gradually become more independent and responsible. It also helps them feel confident and good about themselves, which is an important part of mental health and wellbeing.

You can support this process by practicing with your child, giving them space to figure things out themselves, and helping them reflect on what works and why.

A strategy to try

This strategy works best when your child is feeling calm and relaxed. If they’re very anxious or angry, help them to calm down first (quiet time, take some deep breaths) or leave problem-solving for another day when they are feeling calmer.

1. Identify the problem

Kids don’t always have the words to tell you how they feel or know exactly what the problem is. Finding a quiet space where they feel comfortable and relaxed may help them to start talking about it. Remember to step back and not jump in to solve the problem.

2. Find solutions and try them out

Brainstorming two or three solutions is a good place to start – any more can be overwhelming. You can encourage their thinking with questions like “what do you think you/we could do?” With practice and support from others, they will gradually be able to come up with more of their own solutions. If they get stuck, you may need to make some suggestions in the beginning.

3. Check in: how did it go?

Once you have both identified some options, you can decide together which one to try first. Work out a plan for how they will try out their solution.

Do they need support from you, another child or a teacher? When will they get a chance to try it out – at home or in the playground? Once your child has tried the solution, check in with them as soon as possible. Did it work? If not, why not? What can they try next?

Remember to give them lots of support and encouragement if the solution didn’t work out. Sometimes we have the right solution, but need to practise it many times. Other times, we may need to return to step one to see if we correctly identified the issue.

Other ways you can help

Model your own problem solving. Next time a problem arises (like running late, feeling stressed, losing your car keys) talk through the problem and solution out loud. This will help to show your child that everyone has problems and that we can work through them by coming up with different solutions.
Encourage your child to find support people. These could be family members, friends or teachers they can turn to when they’ve got a problem. As well as helping with the immediate problem, this shows your child they can share their worries and reach out for support when they need it.

Developing communication skills

Good communication is always a two-way thing. Listening to children is as important as what you say to them and how you say it. This might not always be easy – especially when you’re tired, busy or have to deal with complaining or conﬂict – but it’s important to model good communication skills so your kids can learn from you.

Approaching communication as a conversation between family members helps kids develop skills for life, setting them up for strong, respectful relationships and feeling able to ask for support when they need it.

Communicating as a family

Talking together and discussing everyday things helps family members feel connected. It builds trust and makes it easier to ask for and offer support. Making time to listen and show interest encourages kids to talk and helps you understand how they think and feel. Listening actively helps to build relationships and communication skills.

To get your kids to talk more, take notice of the times when they do talk. Often this is while doing everyday things like household chores or while playing games together. Use these relaxed times to get a conversation going with them. Similarly, it’s important to make sure that the adults in the family have relaxed times to talk together.

Top tips for communicating with your kids

Make talking part of your routine. Make time to chat with your kids every day. If your child wants to share something, give them your full attention and listen without getting distracted.
Let your child talk about whatever interests them. Show respect for their interests, even if listening to a run-down of the world they’ve built in Mine Craft or their expanding Pokemon collection isn’t the most exciting topic for you.
Talk about your interests with your kids. Whether it’s sport, music or cooking, sharing the things that make you happy is important too.
Show affection. We communicate through our actions as well as words. Hugging and showing affection makes kids feel loved and content.
Reinforce that you’re there for them. Let your kids know that they can talk to you about anything. Setting this up early will help down the line as they get older and become more independent.

When things get tough

Talking about what’s bothering us can be hard – for both kids and adults. We need to feel safe and supported, and trust that we’ll be listened to and understood.

Asking how your child feels and listening non-defensively allows you to work together to solve problems. Blaming, judging or criticising will quickly shut down real communication and very often leads to arguments.

Listening carefully to the other person’s perspective and explaining your own feelings and views (“I’m disappointed that…” or “I’m upset that …”) rather than accusing (“You don’t care…” or “You’ve upset me…”) helps to defuse arguments and supports effective communication.

Dealing with difficult emotions

Modelling behaviour when you’re feeling stressed or upset helps kids develop their own strategies for coping with their emotions.

You can say:

“I’m getting too angry. I need some time out to think about this.”
“I’m feeling really tense. I need to take some deep breaths to calm down.”

Being ready to apologise, listening to how the other person feels and showing you appreciate their position is a critical skill for building strong and supportive family relationships.

Admitting to having difficult feelings is not a sign of weakness or failure. Instead, it sets a good example by showing that everyone has difficult feelings at times and that they are manageable.