Managing emotions, especially in times of heightened stress

I thought that for this week’s newsletter I would highlight two important issues. Firstly, how to assist our sons and daughters when they are finding it difficult to manage their emotions, especially in times of heightened stress. The article by Deborah Farmer Kris, provides some excellent insights for parents dealing with the array of emotions that comes with having children and in particular, teenagers.

Secondly, I am pleased to present the first of our Alumni articles written by Makiah.

Makiah completed Year 12 in 2024 and has enthusiastically dived into his studies at Monash University. He offers some great insights for students across all year levels, but especially those in the senior school.

Tips for Helping Kids Manage Emotions When They're Intense and Difficult

Deborah Farmer Kris

When kids feel bombarded by difficult emotions, they may feel a sense of helplessness, as if there is nothing they can do to pull themselves out of the storm. As parents, we know effective strategies are out there, but knowing which ones to use in the moment can feel overwhelming.

In his new book, “Shift: Managing Your Emotions – So They Don’t Manage You,” neuroscientist Ethan Kross shares the most current research on emotional regulation. He also offers a perspective on the functions of emotion and advises us against suppressing challenging emotions. Instead, he says to notice when their intensity or duration are doing you or your child more harm than good, and continue to gather an array of tools for shifting emotions out of high gear.

What Kids Need to Know About Emotions

Before engaging in any conversation about emotional strategies, Kross wants parents and kids to understand this: “All emotions are useful in their right dosages.” There is nothing wrong with you if you feel hurt or envious or scared. For kids and teens, “it’s comforting to know that if you experience anxiety at times – or sadness or anger or any other negative emotion – welcome to the human condition.”

Emotions serve a vital function by giving us useful information. Fear puts us on alert for danger. Anger can signal that we find a situation unjust. Loneliness can prompt us to seek human connection. Kross described sadness as a response to a change in how we experience the world.

“Let’s say you lose someone you love or you’re rejected. Our world has now changed and we now need to make a new sense of what is happening,” said Kross. “So we have this emotional response that motivates us to withdraw, to pull away, to turn our attention inward to try to make meaning out of the situation.”

In addition, the body language of sadness can also send signals to other people that we need support. Once you start to see the various functions of emotion, said Kross, “it becomes a lot easier to understand the role they play in our lives and in our kids’ lives.”

Kross also wants kids to know that “there are parts of your emotional experience that you can’t control and parts that you can.” For example, we can’t control the automatic emotional response we feel when we hear a startling noise. But once that emotion is activated, we can “shift it around – that’s where we have agency.”

Kross told me that sometimes he will choose not to shift a difficult emotion. For example, if he has a really important deadline, he will feel some anxiety – but he doesn’t want to push away that feeling because it can help him focus. “The emotion is driving me to prepare. You don’t want to necessarily turn that off, but you want to turn down its amplitude.”

Intensity and Duration of Emotions

So, when do we use the emotional regulation tools or step in to help kids use them?

“It’s when the emotion gets too big or lasts too long,” said Kross.” Those are the two tell-tale signs that your emotions may require some regulation.” This is a useful barometer for parents too: we don’t want to shield kids from difficult emotions, but we do want to keep an eye on the intensity and duration of their emotional storms.

Shifting emotions is not about suppressing or denying our feelings, but rather about knowing that we can take steps to “change the trajectory” when our feelings are interfering with our goals or wellbeing, according to Kross.

When it comes to managing our emotional lives “there are no one-size-fits-all solutions,” says Kross. People often press him to name the top two or three regulation strategies, but his research has found that there is enormous variability in which tools benefit which people. And “not only different people,” he said, “but even the same person. The tools they benefited from on day one was often different from the tools they benefited from on day two or day five.” Having, and experimenting with, a diverse set of tools can strengthen our ability to lead emotionally healthy lives.

Using Your Senses to Navigate Emotions

Kross’s book describes several research-based strategies for shifting, including one that gets too little attention: Our sensory system. Humans use their five senses to quickly assess and make sense of their environment. “This is as primitive as you get,” said Kross. “We need to know whether to go back to approach or avoid things.” Because of their role in keeping us safe, our senses are intimately linked with the brain’s emotional networks. So when we smell something rotting, that can almost instantly elicit a disgust response. When we hear a beautiful birdsong or see a sunset, we can quickly feel awe or wonder. “Even touch,” said Kross. “Like warm and fuzzy things as opposed to cold and rough. All of these sensations are pushing your emotions around really, really fast. Knowing what to approach and what to avoid is fundamental for us being successful in this world.”

This close, unconscious connection between senses and emotions means that we can consciously use our senses to support our emotional well being. “Think about filling your home with the right smells and putting the right music on in the background? These are effortless things we can do to shift emotions around and it’s an untapped resource.”

As the parent of adolescents, Kross embraces the DJ role. If he needs to shift a mood, he might put on Taylor Swift in the car, or even jazz it up more by singing or dancing along, and create something that’s “just ridiculous and so that amplifies the emotional experience.” Preschool teachers understand the power of a good “strategy song,” like the clean-up song, to turn a drudging task into a playful moment.

When children are experiencing an intense emotion, some of the proven strategies – like deep breathing or journaling – may feel out of reach to kids. These techniques require effort or following steps. Working with the sensory system, in contrast, can be an initial way to more effortlessly dial down the emotion. In this way, our senses offer “incidental tools for managing emotions.”

Parents can use the sensory network to subtly support kids emotions in ways that “fly totally under the radar,” said Kross. Think about lighting a favorite scented candle while the kids are doing homework, rubbing their back as you sit together on the couch, dimming the lights during bathtime, or tucking a soft stuffed animal into their arms as they go to sleep. Again, there is no one-size-fits-all. When they are emotionally activated, some kids crave physical pressure – like a bear hug or a weighted blanket – while others may bristle at contact and find the sensation of bouncing on a mini-trampoline or swinging more soothing.

Parents can engage their kids and teens in thinking about sensory tools. What songs might go on a “I’m feeling _____” playlist? What physical sensations can boost their mood? What sights and tastes and smells do they find comforting or restorative? And of course, going outside into nature activates all five senses, which is one reason time in nature correlates with mental health.

Modeling Emotional Regulation

As parents, we are sometimes so focused on our children’s needs that we sometimes forget that “leading others starts with leading yourself effectively,” said Kross. “Focusing on how to manage your own emotions is, I would argue, an important first step for helping your kids manage their emotions.” This is true for two reasons. First, children are observational learners. “So, if we are keeping our emotions in the right proportions in different circumstances, they’re implicitly learning, ‘Oh, that’s how you do this well,’ as opposed to if you see people flying off the handle in really big ways that may not be productive,” said Kross.

Second, when we learn how to work with our own emotions, we can be more thoughtful and deliberate when trying to help kids do the same. And remember, said Kross, the goal is not to rid ourselves of these challenging emotions. Rather, “the goal is to work with them more skilfully.”

Alumni Spotlight: Catching Up with Makiah

What Are You Up to Now?

I’m currently completing my first year of a Bachelor of Science degree at Monash University,

Clayton. Alongside my studies, I’m interested in starting a retail job to further develop my

communication and teamwork skills. While I haven’t decided on a specific career path yet, I

know I want to work in a field that involves science and technology.

A Day in the Life

I usually sleep in a bit before catching the train to Monash, where I attend my classes. I tend to stay back late into the night to complete my work before heading home—yes, I’m definitely a night owl!

Reflections on Lakeside College

Lakeside College played a crucial role in my educational journey. The support I received helped me achieve a VCE score that secured my place in my chosen university course. I made lifelong friends and had experiences that prepared me for the future.

Favourite School Memory

Free Time Fridays—thanks, Mrs Rothwell!

Advice for Current Year 12s

It’s just one year, and then you get to enjoy the magic that is university. Lock in, put your head down, and get off Fortnite! Once you start studying something you love, education no longer feels like a chore—it becomes something you wake up excited to do.

If You Could Do Year 12 Again...

I’d focus more on school rather than friendships and relationships. A lot was happening

externally during Year 12, and looking back, I wish I had ignored the distractions.

Looking to the Future

Right now, I’m not 100% sure about my career path—I just want a job I love that also pays the

bills! Uni has been a fantastic experience so far, and I hope my future career is just as fulfilling.

Where Do You See Yourself in Five Years?

Hopefully using my degree to land a job I love, or maybe even studying something new entirely.

It’s a journey, and I’m excited to see where it takes me.

Any Upcoming Travel or Life Plans?

Not at the moment, but when I have the funds, I’d love to visit family in South Australia.

Staying Motivated for the Future

I’m fortunate that everything I have to do right now is something I want to do. That passion

keeps me motivated, and as long as I stay excited about what I’m doing, I know I’ll keep pushing forward.

Reflection

Loving God

As we continue our Lenten observances, we

pray that you may lead us into deeper waters

of love and concern for others.

May our almsgiving never be perfunctory.

Instead, may it be an expression of solidarity

With those who do without.

May we be united spiritually with those

who hunger and may our prayers be sincere

expressions of praise and awe at your glory,

reflected in the world around us.

Amen

In Christ’s love,

Mr Robert Tassoni

Principal

Careers Hub