Wellbeing
May 20, 2025
The Friendship First-Aid Kit: Expert Tools for Parents (and Kids)
Unlock Your Child's Social Super-powers with these Practical Tools
Friendships can be a rollercoaster for kids, filled with soaring highs and frustrating lows.
As parents, watching our children navigate these social dynamics can be tough.
We want to swoop in and fix things, but the real magic lies in equipping them with the tools to navigate these bumps themselves.
According to Alfred Adler, the father of Individual Psychology, managing friendships is one of the three life tasks that everyone encounters. The other two are work/school and family.
Adler maintains that all three tasks are problematic but pivotal to our contentment and life satisfaction.
Our early social experiences and the relationship skills we develop in childhood influence our future friendships.
Adler urged parents to recognise that a child’s friendship capacities are central to their (a child’s) wellbeing and a significant contributor to school (future work) success.
- Unresolved friendship problems = unhappy child = poor learning outcomes.
So, what to do?
As a parent guide and teacher, you need tools to help your child resolve their friendship issues.
Aim to build your child’s agency to manage their friendship issues—not right away but in the long run.
To do this, you must draw on your array of relationship skills to help your child.
Here are ten time-tested tools to add to your parenting toolbox to help your kids become expert friendship problem-solvers.
1. Listen First, Judge Later (or Never!)
When your child comes to you with a friendship woe, your first instinct might be to offer solutions or take sides.
Resist this urge.
Instead, create a safe space for them to vent.
Put down your phone, point your feet in their direction, make eye contact, and truly listen to their perspective.
You might hear about a playground squabble over a toy, feeling left out during recess, or a misunderstanding about a playdate.
Feeling heard and understood is the first step in them feeling empowered to tackle the issue.
Listen to understand, not to advise.
Avoid starting with "Well, maybe you..." or "Did you think that..." Instead, try phrases like "That sounds upsetting" or "Tell me more about what happened."
2. Help Them Identify the Problem
Once they've shared their story, gently guide them to pinpoint the core issue. Sometimes, what seems like a huge drama is a simple misunderstanding. Ask open-ended questions like:
- "What exactly made you feel upset/angry/left out?"
- "What do you think the problem is here?"
- "What did your friend say or do that bothered you the most?"
This process helps them move beyond just expressing their feelings to analysing the situation.
3. Brainstorm Solutions Together
Now comes the good part – exploring possibilities!
Resist the urge to offer quick fixes, unless they are truly stuck.
Instead, ask your child:
- "What are some things you think you could do?"
- "Have you seen other kids solve problems like this before?"
- "What would happen if you tried talking to your friend about it?"
Encourage a range of ideas, no matter how silly they might initially sound.
This teaches them that there isn't always one "right" answer and that they have the ability to generate options.
4. Use Behaviour Rehearsal
Once you've brainstormed some potential solutions, it's time to implement them in a safe space.
Let your child practise what they’d say in different social situations and scenarios.
You can pretend to be a friend, and your child can practice what they want to say or do.
This builds their confidence and helps them feel more prepared when they face the real situation.
For instance, if the problem concerns sharing, ask politely, "Can I have a turn when you're finished?"
5. Focus on Things They Can Control
Kids must understand that they can only control their actions and reactions, not their friends'.
If a friend is consistently unkind, the solution might not be to change the friend, but to learn how to set boundaries or decide how much time they want to spend with that person.
Help them identify what they can do in the situation.
6. Discuss Different Friendship Levels
Help your child understand that not all friendships are the same. Friendships fit three different levels:
- Close friends—typically, children have between one to three close friends at any one time.
- Casual friends are children your child knows well, but don’t always form a tight group with.
- Acquaintances are a broader circle of friends who may share similar interests, be in the same class, or know each other through after-school activities.
It's okay if some friendships have more bumps than others and if they change over time.
- Remove the expectation that every peer relationship needs to be perfect.
7. Emphasise Empathy
Friendship problems often arise from a lack of understanding of each other's perspectives.
Encourage your child to think about how their friend might be feeling. Ask questions like:
- "How do you think your friend felt when that happened?"
- "Why do you think your friend might have done that?"
- “How did it affect your friend, do you think?”
Developing empathy is key to resolving conflicts and building stronger relationships.
8. Help Your Child Understand How Good Friends Act
Help your child understand what a good friend looks like and how they behave so they can be good friends and recognise unfriendly behaviour from others.
For instance, good friends:
- Share information, time and possessions. They give of themselves but understand the boundaries of disclosure.
- Allow their friends to have other friends and don’t expect exclusivity.
- Know how to keep secrets and will stick up for their friends.
Use this list to guide a conversation with your child around friendships.
9. Recognise Their Efforts, Not Just the Outcome
Solving friendship problems is a learning process. Sometimes, despite their best efforts, things might not work out exactly as they hoped.
As the saying goes, you can’t win ‘em all!
Acknowledge their courage in resolving the issue, regardless of the outcome.
Focus on the skills they used – communicating their feelings, brainstorming solutions, or standing up for themselves. This reinforces that the effort is valuable, even if the immediate problem isn't resolved.
10. Handle Friendship Changes
Best friends forever!
Nice idea, but not practical for most children.
Kids change. Friends drift apart.
They develop and mature at different stages and can leave each other behind.
That doesn’t excuse unfriendly or mean behaviour, but knowing that can help children understand why yesterday’s friend is no longer close.
Hurtful? Yes.
But natural nonetheless.
Resilient kids cope with this minor loss and form friendships with other children based on shared interests, hobbies, or school subjects.
Know your role
Your role is to empower your child to navigate the social world. So you’re part guide, part emotional supporter and part teacher.
By listening, guiding, and encouraging their problem-solving skills, you're equipping them with essential life skills that will serve them far beyond the playground.
You're teaching them resilience, communication, and the ability to build and maintain healthy relationships—invaluable life skills.