What to do when your daughter says she is the only one not on social media?

Dr Michael Carr-Gregg AO

Child and Adolescent Psychologist, Author, Founding member CanTeen, Founding psychologist SchoolTV, Patron of Read the Play, Accredited Mental Health First Aid Trainer

March 31, 2026

There’s a quiet panic spreading through Australian households right now. “My daughter wasn’t invited.” Not because she’s unpopular. Not because she’s difficult. But because she’s not on social media. A life without Snapchat or Instagram, where group chats don't exist to make and change plans, and people can't use them to include or exclude others in a way that's almost too precise. So, parents are now wondering, have they really kept their child safe, or have they actually held them back in some way, socially speaking?

The uncomfortable answer is: a bit of both. Australia’s under-16 social media restrictions are beginning to bite. Platforms are removing accounts. Age checks are tightening. Some children are being locked out—at least for now. But not all. Some slip through. Some lie. Some are waved in. And suddenly we have a two-tier system: kids inside the platforms, and kids outside looking in. Guess where the invitations are happening? Friendships no longer exist solely in the playground or classroom. They live in group chats, in streaks, in late-night scrolling sessions. Miss that, and you miss context, connection, and increasingly, invitations.

For a teenage girl, that’s not trivial. It’s social oxygen. But let's be honest, there's a darker side to this story that nobody wants to talk about. The same system that's leaving your daughter out is also taking a toll on girls, making them feel anxious, self-conscious, and constantly exhausted. The truth is, being part of the "in crowd" comes with a price. Social media has quietly turned adolescence into a performance. Every photo is a comparison. Every post is a ranking. Every silence can feel like rejection.

We’ve handed young girls a device that says: measure your worth—constantly, publicly, and against everyone. And then we’re surprised when confidence becomes fragile. We are asking 13- and 14-year-olds to navigate adult-level social complexity with a brain that is still under construction. It’s no surprise that many are overwhelmed. We need to take a step back and understand what's happening right now. This isn't about leaving anyone out; it's just about taking a pause.

We don't allow kids into nightclubs, casinos, or movies that are only for adults, and it's not because we want to deprive them of anything. It's just that we know that timing is everything. You see, our brains develop in different stages, and when you're a young teenager, you're still learning how to handle things like comparing yourself to others, dealing with rejection, figuring out who you are, and controlling your impulses. And social media is like a never-ending, 24/7 world that throws all of these challenges at you, all at once. So the goal isn’t to eliminate it forever. It’s to delay it. To delay the exposure, the pressure, the performance. Still, let’s not pretend this is easy. For teenagers, being offline can be a really tough spot to be in. It's like they're missing out on everything that's happening with their friends. And when you're that age, feeling like you belong is a big deal - it's not just something that's nice to have, it's something you really need. So when you tell your daughter that she's better off not being online, it's hard for her to understand, since she can see all the fun she's missing out on. It's like she's stuck on the outside looking in, and that can be a really lonely feeling.

Which means parents need to do something different. If you remove one form of connection, you must replace it with another. Connection used to be automatic. Now it has to be engineered. Parents who handle this situation well don't just sit back and wait for things to happen. They take charge, plan things, and make sure their kids are socialising in the real world, not just online. This is important because the real danger isn't avoiding social media, it's being isolated from others.

When kids interact only through screens, they can miss out on important social skills and connections essential to their emotional and mental well-being. By hosting gatherings, facilitating activities, and encouraging face-to-face interactions, parents can help their kids develop a healthy, balanced social life beyond the digital world. And yet, in these moments, something more is unfolding, something that can be easily overlooked, but is really quite significant. When your daughter misses out, she is learning how to tolerate discomfort. She is learning how to initiate plans rather than wait for them. She is learning how to build friendships without a digital script. These are not small skills. They are foundational.

Because here’s the uncomfortable truth. Many teenagers today are highly connected—but not particularly socially competent. They can message effortlessly, but they struggle to start conversations, to read social cues, to handle rejection. Being offline, while painful at times, can actually accelerate the development of real-world confidence. Step back, and the bigger picture becomes clearer.

Social media is having a big impact on girls. Some are missing out on online events, but others are spending too much time on these platforms. They're staying up late, feeling bad about themselves, and constantly comparing their lives to others. This is leading to more anxiety, body issues, and emotional problems. Social media isn't the only reason for these problems, but it's making them worse.

So the question parents need to ask is not: Is my daughter missing out? It’s: what is she being protected from—and what am I putting in its place? There will be pressure. “Everyone else has it.” “I’m the only one.” “I’m missing everything.” And in those moments, it’s tempting to give in. But parenting has never been about removing every discomfort. It’s about making decisions that hold up over time. In ten years' time, it won't matter whether she attended a particular party. What will be important is whether she has developed self-confidence, can build and maintain genuine relationships with others, and has a clear sense of identity that isn't dependent on constant validation from external sources.

So, what to say to your daughter? Start by reassuring her that she is not the problem - being left out says more about how plans are being organised than her worth; this is temporary. Social circles and access change quickly, especially at her age; real friendships happen in real life - the people who matter will make time for her beyond a screen; Let her know that you've got her back - you will actively help her build a social life that feels good and genuine; and most importantly, she is growing in ways others aren’t yet - learning how to handle exclusion, initiate connection, and be herself without needing constant validation - all of which will give her a long-term advantage, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

At present, it might feel like your daughter is on the outside. But zoom out. Because in a world increasingly driven by visibility, validation, and performance, the girls who are offline may be the only ones actually growing up free.

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