From the Assistant Principal

Helping Your Child Feel Confident in Friendships

Insights from parenting researcher Dr Justin Coulson

"I wonder if my friends really like me."

If your child has ever said something like this, you're not alone in not quite knowing how to respond. Here's the thing: wondering whether people like us is a deeply human experience. Adults do it constantly. We walk away from a chat at the school gate replaying it in our heads, wondering if we talked too much, or not enough, or said something a bit odd.

Psychologists have actually studied this tendency to underestimate how much other people like us after we've spent time with them. And research shows this starts earlier than you might expect; even young children can walk away from a playdate genuinely believing they weren't as liked as they were.

As parenting researcher Dr Justin Coulson puts it: most children aren't struggling with being unlikable; they're struggling with believing they're likeable.

Why this matters

Think about everything your child navigates in a single school day. New classmates, group games, changing friendships, working out where they fit in. It's a lot.

So when a child says something they later worry sounded silly, or a friend doesn't react quite how they expected, or they're left out of one game at lunch, it's easy for their mind to jump straight to the worst-case story:

"They don't really like me." "I don't think anyone wants me there." "They're only being my friend because they have to."

Over time, these small assumptions can chip away at a child's confidence, making them more hesitant to join in or more anxious about their friendships in general.

Here's the reassuring part: children usually get it wrong in the other direction. What feels like rejection is often just an ordinary moment: a friend distracted, a game with limited spots, a comment that meant nothing that's been misread as something bigger.

Three things you can try at home

1. Help them see they're probably more liked than they think

When your child says "nobody likes me," it's natural to jump in with "of course they do!" It comes from a good place, but it doesn't always land.

Try a different angle instead. Ask them: "How much do you like your friends?"

Most kids will say "heaps." That's your opening; gently point out that other people are probably feeling exactly the same way about them. Once children realise this gap between what we assume and what's actually true is a normal human thing (not just their problem), the worry tends to feel a lot smaller.

2. Talk about connection, not perfection

Friendships were never about saying the exact right thing, being invited to everything, or always knowing what to do.

Instead, help your child notice the things that actually build friendships: listening, showing genuine interest, being kind, including others, and just being themselves. Remind them that friendships have natural ups and downs; one awkward moment doesn't end a friendship, and missing out on one activity doesn't mean they're not wanted.

3. Build their confidence before they even get to school

A child's sense of themselves in relationships starts well before the classroom.

Give them chances to have a say at home, ask what they think, really listen to their ideas, and notice their strengths out loud. When kids feel heard at home, they tend to carry that same quiet confidence into the playground.

A final thought

Most children aren't struggling because they're unlikable. They're struggling because they don't yet realise how liked they already are.

As parents, our job isn't to fix every social hiccup; it's to listen to the worry, gently challenge the negative story, and remind them that friendships don't have to be perfect to be real.

So next time your child asks, "Do my friends really like me?" it's worth reminding them: they're probably doing a lot better socially than they think.