Helping Little Ones Who Hit

ISSUE 3 | TERM 4 | 2025

Written by Dr Justin Coulson

Most toddlers and preschoolers are bundles of energy and affection—but every so often those tiny hands can strike out. A sudden slap, kick, or shove can leave parents shocked and worried: Why is my sweet child acting this way? Will this become a pattern?

Here’s the truth researchers want you to know: occasional hitting is common and developmentally normal in the early years. Studies show that physical aggression actually peaks between ages two and four, then typically declines as language and self-regulation skills develop.

Understanding why it happens and how to guide your child is the key to calmer, kinder days.

Why Young Children Hit

Big Emotions, Small Skills Children under five feel frustration, anger, and disappointment just as intensely as adults, but their brains aren’t ready to regulate those feelings. The prefrontal cortex—responsible for impulse control and emotional regulation—doesn’t fully mature until the mid-twenties, and during the preschool years, these neural pathways are still under construction. Research shows that adequate emotional regulation doesn’t typically develop until around age nine, meaning preschoolers are genuinely incapable of managing big feelings the way older children can.

Limited Language Even talkative preschoolers can’t always find words for big feelings. Research shows that language development and emotional regulation are closely linked—children with stronger language skills show less physical aggression. Hitting becomes a substitute for “I’m angry” or “I need help.”

Impulse Control Is Still Growing The brain systems that stop us from acting on every impulse aren’t fully developed until late childhood. What looks like defiance is often developmental immaturity.

What Parents Can Do

Stay Calm and Present Your child borrows your calm. Research on co-regulation shows that children learn to manage their emotions by experiencing calm, responsive adults during moments of distress. Take a steady breath, lower your voice, and model self-control.

Check the Basics Many meltdowns start with unmet needs: hunger, fatigue, overstimulation, or loneliness. Research consistently shows that adequate sleep, regular meals, and predictable routines significantly reduce challenging behaviours in young children. One-on-one connection also matters—children who feel securely attached and emotionally connected to caregivers show fewer aggressive behaviours.

Set a Clear Boundary Gently but firmly say: “Hitting hurts. We use gentle hands.” If needed, hold their hands softly to stop the swing. Consistent limit-setting helps children understand boundaries without shame or fear.

Redirect the Energy Offer a safe physical outlet—jumping, running, dancing, or scribbling an “angry picture.” Movement provides a concrete alternative to aggression.

Name the Feeling Help them put words to the moment: “You’re angry we had to leave the park. That’s hard.” Emotion labelling—sometimes called “name it to tame it”—has been shown to reduce the intensity of negative emotions and build emotional vocabulary. This neurological process actually calms the amygdala, the brain’s alarm system.

Problem-Solve Later When everyone is calm, talk briefly about what to do next time. Role-playing better responses when emotions are low helps children access those strategies when emotions are high.

Prioritise Physical Activity and Outdoor Time Nature is fuel for the soul—especially young children’s souls. Research consistently demonstrates that outdoor play reduces aggression, improves emotional regulation, and decreases stress in young children. Daily outdoor time—running, climbing, digging, exploring—provides essential sensory input and helps children discharge physical tension before it erupts into hitting. Aim for at least an hour of active outdoor play daily.

Dramatically Reduce Screen Time Screens are poor emotional regulators. Whilst they may temporarily distract or calm a child, they regulate emotions externally rather than teaching children to regulate themselves internally. Research shows that increased screen time is associated with more aggressive behaviour and poorer self-regulation in preschoolers. Since emotional regulation skills don’t develop effectively until around age nine, preschoolers who rely on screens for calming miss critical opportunities to build their own internal regulation capacities.

Be Patient With the Process

Even when you do everything right, hitting behaviour can persist for several months. This doesn’t mean you’re failing or that your child is broken—it’s simply how development works. Temperament, personality, and individual differences mean that some children take longer to integrate new skills than others. What matters is consistent, compassionate guidance over time.

In all but the most exceptional cases, following these strategies consistently will lead to success. Your child will learn. The neural pathways will strengthen. The hitting will fade. Trust the process, trust your child’s capacity to grow, and trust that your steady presence is making a profound difference, even when progress feels invisible.

Your child isn’t “bad” because they hit, and you’re not failing as a parent. Physical aggression in toddlers and preschoolers is a normal developmental phase that typically decreases as children acquire better language and self-regulation skills. With calm consistency, empathy, outdoor play, reduced screen time, and practice, children learn that big feelings can be expressed in safe, respectful ways.

Your challenge: Next time your child hits, pause before reacting. Take one deep breath, lower your body to their eye level, and calmly say, “I won’t let you hit. Let’s find another way.” Your calm presence teaches more than any punishment ever could.

For more practical support on guiding little people through big emotions, visit Happy Families or explore our Little People, Big Feelings resources.

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