Bullying

There are few things more confronting than seeing your child suffer—and bullying brings a kind of suffering that cuts deep. As a dad to six daughters, as someone who works closely with families and schools, and as a human being who’s been there during my own miserable school years, I get it.

If your child is involved in a bullying incident, it’s a natural instinct to want to fix things fast. But when it comes to bullying, our calm, connection-first response matters far more than our speed.

In this guide, I want to help you understand what bullying really is, how we can approach it with wisdom and compassion, and—most importantly—how we can be the steady, safe place our children need when everything else feels uncertain.

What Is Bullying?

It is critical to be aware of one important note: not all unkind behaviour is bullying.

Yes, being left out can hurt. So can a cruel comment or an occasional playground spat. Children can be awful to one another. These things are worth addressing. Teaching children to be socially aware, adept, and considerate is vitally important – and the better we do it, the less likely it is that bullying will occur. But we live in an imperfect world. Unkindness exists. And these things are unkind. They don’t, however, meet the definition of bullying.

So what’s the difference?

Bullying is deliberate, repeated, and targeted behaviour that causes distress, and that involves a power imbalance.

The four key elements of bullying are:

It’s repeated (not a one-off conflict or mean comment)
It’s intentional (designed to hurt or humiliate)
It’s imbalanced (one child has more power—physical, social, or emotional)
It causes distress (and is usually ongoing)

Types of bullying include:

Physical: hitting, tripping, spitting, damaging property
Verbal: name-calling, mocking, threats
Social/relational: exclusion, rumours, manipulation
Cyber: threats, shaming, or exclusion via digital platforms

Recognising these patterns matters. We don’t want to underreact when a child is in real distress—but we also want to avoid the trap of labelling every playground disagreement as “bullying.” A clear definition gives us a firm footing to act wisely.

When we distinguish between general unkindness and bullying, our responses become more targeted and effective. Isolated incidents of meanness typically call for teaching moments about empathy, conflict resolution, and social skills—helping children understand the impact of their words and learn better ways to interact. Bullying, however, requires more serious intervention: immediate protection for the victim, clear consequences for the perpetrator, ongoing monitoring, and often involvement from adults in multiple settings.

By avoiding the “bullying” label for every mean interaction, we preserve its power for situations that truly warrant intensive intervention, while still addressing unkindness appropriately. This distinction also helps children understand the difference between making a mistake in social interaction (which we can learn from) and engaging in deliberate, harmful behavior (which has serious consequences).

Why Does Bullying Happen?

If there’s one word that explains most bullying, it’s status.

Kids bully to gain or maintain social power. The more others fear or admire them, the higher they sit in the pecking order. So they push others down to stay on top.

This desire to look good explains why the kid who’s got it all still bullies those lower down the social ladder. He or she maintains social power and puts others in their place.

It explains why the child who has lower ranking picks on those he or she believes can be dominated. Power. Position. Status. The cycle repeats at every level of the social hierarchy. And it’s always punching down (both literally and figuratively). No one bullies “up” the hierarchy.

Helping Kids Talk About Bullying

You could be worried that your child is being bullied. It’s common that children withhold this kind of information. Why?

Snitches get stitches. It’s a horrid but all-too-real situation that dobbing makes things worse. Further, many children believe that adults (whether parents, teachers, or counsellors) only make things worse.

Thus we have a challenge. Children rarely walk in the door and say, “I’m being bullied.” Often they’re embarrassed. Or they think we’ll overreact. Or they’re scared we’ll make it worse.

So how do we help them open up?

When the moment feels right—bedtime, car trips, kitchen bench chats—start with wide, non-threatening questions:

“Bullying happens at every school. Do you ever see it at yours?”
“Has anything tricky happened with your friends lately?”
“What would you do if you saw someone being picked on?”

Only when the trust is there do we gently ask:

“Has anything like that happened to you?”

This layered approach respects your child’s autonomy—and builds connection first.

What to Do If Your Child Is Being Bullied

1. Listen. Believe. Validate.

No fixing. No questioning. Just presence.

Say:

“I’m so sorry that happened.”
“That sounds really hard.”
“Thank you for trusting me.”

Children need to know they’re seen, heard, and valued—before anything else.

Avoid statements like:

“Why didn’t you say something earlier?”
“Are you sure it’s really bullying?”
“Just ignore them.”

These responses—while well-meaning—can shut the conversation down.

2. Keep a Record

Write down what your child tells you. Take screenshots of digital messages. Note names, dates, places. This is not an ammunition gathering exercise. It’s about ensuring dots are joined, there is clarity in your concerns, and you can offer appropriate support for any claims you make if you need to speak with the school or others.

Tell your child: “We’ll keep track of what’s happening—not to get anyone in trouble, but to make sure you feel safe.”

This documentation will help schools take effective action if needed. Schools are often constrained unless there’s clear evidence and a consistent pattern.

3. Approach the School Constructively

Your child’s teacher or wellbeing staff should be your first stop. But go in as a partner, not a prosecutor.

Try:

“My child has shared some concerns. I’d love to work together on this.”
“What supports can we put in place?”

Avoid confronting the other child or their family directly—even if you’re friends with them. These conversations rarely go well unless you have clear evidence and a very respectful, non-blaming tone.

If, and only if, the relationship is strong and you must reach out, try something like:

“Hi [Parent’s Name], something’s come up between our kids that I’d like to talk about. It’s sensitive—would you be open to a quick chat?”

That approach can work—but it’s not the default. I don’t recommend it unless you have a genuine trusting relationship, and even then it’s iffy.

4. Coach, Don’t Rescue

We want our kids to feel powerful—not passive. Help them build problem-solving skills:

“What do you think might help?”
“What would you like to try?”
“Do you want to practise what to say?”

Give them agency. Teach them they have choices. Let them explore how to stand up—not just be stood up for.

Helping Kids Build Inner Strength

One of the most powerful things we can teach our children is this:

Bad is not the same as catastrophic.

Yes, bullying hurts. But it doesn’t have to break them. We can help them process it, rather than absorb it.

We can say:

“This doesn’t define you.”
“You get to choose whose opinions matter.”
“You are loved, valued, and never alone.”

Greg McKeown, in Essentialism, wrote:

“When we forget our ability to choose, we learn to be helpless.”

Let’s raise children who remember they have a choice.

5. If It’s Serious, Get Help

Some bullying is relentless. Some kids spiral. When that happens, get professional support.

Mental health services like:

Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800)
Parentline (1300 30 1300)
Lifeline (13 11 14)
Beyond Blue

…can provide vital guidance.

There is no shame in reaching out. Sometimes it’s the bravest thing we can do. School counsellors, your GP, or a psychologist you’re already familiar with can be useful resources.

A Special Note on Cyberbullying

Cyberbullying can be particularly insidious. Unlike face-to-face bullying, cyberbullying often occurs out of sight—on phones, in chat groups, late at night. And it doesn’t stop when the school bell rings. It follows kids home, onto their devices, into their bedrooms. This constant access can make the harm feel relentless.

The tactics are varied:

Nasty messages or comments
Exclusion from group chats
Humiliating photos or videos shared without consent
Anonymous accounts set up to target or shame
“Cancel culture” pile-ons

What makes cyberbullying so damaging?

It’s not just the content—it’s the permanence, the publicness, and the sense that it can’t be escaped. The audience is larger. The hurt spreads faster. And kids often feel they can’t switch off, because their whole social world lives online.

So what can you do?

1. Get curious, not controlling.

Avoid reacting with anger or sweeping restrictions (“That’s it! No more phone!”). That shuts down the conversation and makes kids less likely to share in the future. Instead, aim for calm curiosity:

“Tell me what’s been happening. I want to understand.”

2. Collect evidence.

Take screenshots. Save messages. Log the usernames, platforms, times. Many kids think that if they block or delete, it will “go away.” But for parents and schools to help, we need clear documentation.

3. Report and block.

Most platforms allow you to report abuse and block users. It’s not always perfect, but it’s a start. Encourage your child to do this with you so they feel empowered, not punished.

4. Reframe the narrative.

Remind your child that their worth is not determined by a comment thread.

“You are not the things they say about you. Their cruelty says more about them than it does about you.”

5. Keep the devices—but add boundaries.

Instead of confiscating devices, co-create boundaries:

Devices in public spaces after bedtime
Muting or leaving toxic group chats
Scheduled screen breaks

This supports both connection and safety, without shame.

6. If the behaviour is criminal, take it further.

If threats are made, or if images are shared without consent, contact your school, your internet provider, or even the police. Services like the eSafety Commissioner (Australia) can also help with content removal and legal advice.

Cyberbullying is serious—but your response doesn’t have to be panicked. The most powerful thing you can do is stay connected, stay calm, and help your child feel like they’re not alone in the mess.

You might say:

“This shouldn’t be happening. I’m so sorry it is. We’ll work through it together.”

And If Your Child Is the One Doing the Bullying?

This is hard—but it’s also a golden opportunity to teach.

Stay calm. Avoid shame. Ask:

“What happened?”
“How do you think they felt?”
“What can we do to make this right?”

You’re not raising a bad kid. You’re raising a learning kid. And that means growth is always possible. Your child’s behaviour isn’t who they are. It’s a signal that something needs work—empathy, boundaries, emotional regulation. And they need the chance to do better.

Handled well, this can be a powerful turning point.

Connection Is the Answer

Bullying is real. It’s painful. It’s often hidden. But here’s what I’ve learned from years in the parenting space:

Kids can cope with almost anything—if they don’t have to face it alone.

Stay connected. Stay curious. Be the safe place they can always come home to.

We don’t need to bubble-wrap our kids. We need to walk with them. Sit with them. Ask the hard questions with soft hearts.

With calm, supportive adults by their side, our children can grow through hard things—stronger, kinder, and more resilient.

So if your child is being bullied, take a breath. Be the calm they need. Let them know:

"I’ve got your back. We’ll face this together."

Author: Dr Justin Coulson

Dr Justin Coulson is a dad to 6 daughters and grandfather to 1 granddaughter. He is the parenting expert and co-host of Channel 9’s Parental Guidance, and he and his wife host Australia’s #1 podcast for parents and family: The Happy Families podcast. He has written 9 books about families and parenting. For further details visit www.happyfamilies.com.au.

Tuning Into Kids