Is FAFO the End of Gentle Parenting or Just the Start of Bigger Problems?

If you’ve spent time on TikTok or read the Wall Street Journal lately, you might have come across a new parenting buzzword: FAFO parenting. It stands for “Fuss Around and Find Out” (a cleaner version of the original phrase, where the first “F” is a somewhat stronger word).

The idea is simple: for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Don’t step in when your child makes a mistake — let life teach them. Forget their raincoat? Let them get drenched. Refuse to eat dinner? Let them go hungry until breakfast. Spray Mum with a water gun after being told not to? Into the pool you go.

Supporters claim this “tough love” approach prepares kids for the real world, sets firm boundaries, and builds resilience. But as tempting as it sounds (especially when we’re tired of endless negotiating), there’s a darker side parents should understand.

Why FAFO Parenting Backfires

It damages the relationship. When kids know you’ll let them suffer to “teach a lesson,” they stop seeing you as a safe place to turn. They may go elsewhere for comfort — sometimes to people you wouldn’t choose.
It confuses punishment with learning. Being left hungry doesn’t teach meal planning. Walking home in a thunderstorm doesn’t build weather awareness. Kids learn that parents let bad things happen and they feel unworthy of their parents’ help. What they don’t learn is how to solve problems.
It creates compliance, not character. Children may obey out of fear, but that doesn’t build integrity, empathy, or good judgment. True resilience comes from feeling supported, not punished.

A Better Way Forward

Discipline isn’t about dishing out pain to prove a point. It’s about problem-solving together.

That statement needs to be on repeat. Too many of us feel like it’s our job to make our kids pay a price when they are challenging. That’s the opposite of what good discipline looks like. The best discipline recognises that children aren’t the problem. They’re having a problem. And if we can support them in solving that problem, the challenging behaviour goes away.

So, if FAFO isn’t the answer, what is?

Here are three approaches that truly help kids learn and grow:

1. Connection First

Children behave best when they feel seen, heard, and valued. Before stepping in with correction, start with connection. That might mean kneeling to their level, making eye contact, and saying, “I can see you’re really frustrated right now.” Or, “It’s a pretty tricky situation huh?” When kids know you’re on their side, their defences come down. They feel safe enough to listen and safe enough to learn.

Connection doesn’t excuse the behaviour — it creates the conditions where change becomes possible. Think of it like building a bridge: without connection, there’s no path across. With it, you can walk your child to better choices.

2. Collaborate on Solutions

Rather than letting “life” teach hard lessons, we can teach problem-solving. Instead of, “You didn’t bring your raincoat, now you’re soaked — bet you won’t forget next time,” try, “Looks like you’re wet and cold. What can we do differently tomorrow so this doesn’t happen again?”

These small conversations build responsibility without shame. Children learn that mistakes aren’t fatal; they’re stepping stones. And they learn that you’re willing to help them think through better strategies — which is exactly the skill they’ll need when you’re not around to rescue them.

3. Coach, Don’t Control

Our role isn’t to coerce compliance but to coach competence. Coaching means guiding with patience, encouragement, and high expectations. It’s sitting beside your child at the homework table and asking, “What’s your plan to get started?” rather than standing over them with threats.

Force creates resistance. Coaching opens up the possibility of growth. It allows kids to build the inner compass they’ll need long after childhood.

This isn’t about bubble-wrapping our children. We aren’t trying to protect them from hard things. Life will bring plenty of natural challenges. But home should be their safe base — the place where they know someone always has their back.

Trends like FAFO parenting may grab attention online, but they miss the heart of what our children need most: connection before correction. When kids know they’re loved, supported, and guided through challenges, they don’t just become obedient — they become resilient, kind, and capable human beings.

MaST Project

with Mrs McCarthy