KTHS Chaplaincy & Wellbeing Invitation.

Emotional Literacy is the skill of learning what emotions we are feeling and giving them a name. As humans, we have a deep need to make meaning and to understand our experiences. Giving something a name is often the first step to understanding something as a unique experience, understanding how it has affected us, and planning for the future. As we continue to look through Brené Brown’s “Atlas of the Heart,” we will look over common emotional experiences we have when we compare.

The Places We Go When: We Compare.

•Comparison: While this is not an emotion, it is a pervasive, unconscious human characteristic that is the catalyst for many extreme emotions that affect our relationships and our self-worth. It is defined as the crush point between the pressure to conform from one side and the pressure to compete/stand out on the other – it is trying to simultaneously fit in and stand out. Comparison stems from the desire to have a stable place in your “tribe,” with the security of knowing that your place will not be threatened. To be like everybody else, but better. The cure: to respond to comparison by wishing others the best and focusing on your own goals, responsibilities, values, and achievements.

•Admiration: When someone’s abilities, accomplishments, or character inspires us, or when we see something else that inspires us, such as art or nature. It leaves us wanting to improve ourselves, without wanting to become like the person or thing that we admire.

•Reverence: It is a deeper form of admiration or respect and is often combined with a sense of meaningful connection with something greater than ourselves. Reverence fosters a desire for connection to what we revere.

•Envy: This occurs when we want something that someone else has, and we believe that we do not currently possess that thing (e.g., attractiveness, competence, popularity, wealth, etc). This can be both “I want that, and I don’t want you to have it” as well as “I want that, but you are also able to have it.” Though it is often paired with the more hostile response. Envy is corrosive to our sense of connection and belonging, and often leads to isolation and loneliness.

• Jealousy: The fear of losing a relationship or a valued part of a relationship that we already have. This is more of a cognitive response to feelings of anger, sadness, and/or fear than an emotion itself. The core form of jealousy primarily involves perceived threats to relational security, including fear that we will lose safe connection, attention, affection, or resources of those we love to someone/something else.

•Resentment: The feeling of frustration, judgement, anger, “better than,” and/or hidden envy related to perceived unfairness or injustice. It’s an emotion that we often experience when we fail to set boundaries, openly ask for what we need, or when our expectations let us down/are poorly managed. It can often be derived from our perceptions of what we “deserve,” and our rigid belief of what other people are thinking, feeling, or how they’re going to react – often making negative assumptions and neglecting any contrary evidence.

•Schadenfreude: Pleasure or joy derived from someone else’s suffering or misfortune. The act of taking pleasure in someone else’s failing, even if that person is someone we really dislike, can violate our values and lead to feelings of guilt and shame. It is seductive, especially when we get sucked into a group mentality. The bonding that occurs with this emotion might feel good for a moment, but nothing that celebrates the humiliation of another person builds lasting connection. Schadenfreude often occurs alongside envy, aggression, narcissism, and anger, and reduces our engagement with empathy and conscientiousness – creating a threat to connection.

•Freudenfreude (Positive Empathy): The enjoyment of another’s success. When others report success to us, they generally hope for an empathetic response of shared joy. Ongoing lack of freudenfreude eventually can pose a fatal challenge to a relationship.

Reflection:

What experience resonates the most with you in this moment, and do you find it positive or negative?
If Negative, what do you usually enjoy doing to help you recover or navigate it? What are some healthy comforts that you can arrange now to take care of your specific needs?
If positive, what do you find most significant about the experience? Is there anything you can do to experience this more often?

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