Wellbeing

Hiya, 

In the last newsletter I said that of all the skills we teach around getting along with others, understanding and naming our emotions is the one everything else is built on. Let’s dig a bit deeper!

Most of us grew up with a fairly small set of words for feelings. Happy, sad, angry, maybe excited or scared. But there is a big difference between "angry" and "frustrated," or "left out," or "embarrassed," or "nervous about something I can't quite name."

A child who only has big blunt words only really has blunt ways to respond. A child who can reach for the more precise word has a much better chance of handling what is going on, and communicating what they need.

So one of the first things we strive to do is widen children's emotional vocabulary, and we do it in the ordinary run of the day. We name emotions in the stories and books we read, asking not just what a character did but what they were feeling, and how we know. What’s their body language saying? Can you show me that yourself? If your friend does that, what might they be feeling? 

Teachers narrate their own emotions and how to manage them ("I'm feeling a bit rushed this morning, so I'm going to take a breath and start again"). We help children put words to what is happening for them, and encourage them to expand their emotional vocabulary the same as we do their regular vocabulary.

This is not about dwelling on feelings, and it is certainly not about making children fragile. It is the opposite. When a child can name what they are feeling, they can begin to do something about it. They can express their emotions, and begin to utilise strategies that aid them in regulation.

 A child who can think "I'm frustrated because I can't get this" can ask for help or take a breath. A child who only has a wave of something they cannot name tends to act it out instead: the meltdown, the shove, the shutting down, the tears… We’ve all been there.

This is where it connects to everything in the last edition. A child in the middle of a meltdown is overwhelmed.  They are flooded, and they do not yet have the words or the tools to bring themselves back.

Our job is to teach the words and the tools, calmly and often, so that over time the gap gets wider and the child does more of the managing themselves.

Feelings come and go, and part of what we teach is exactly that. The goal is not a child who is forever checking in on how they feel. It is a child who can notice what they feel, name it, and get on with their day the better for it. 

If you would like to back this up at home, there are two things you can do that will help.

Firstly, when your child is upset, try connecting with them and naming the feeling before you fix it or correct it. "You seem really frustrated." "That looked embarrassing." "I can see you're disappointed." We don’t necessarily need them to stop feeling it, but start to process it.

You do not have to get it exactly right. Even if you don’t get it right, a near miss tells your child that what they are feeling has a name, and that it is not too big to look at. 

Secondly, you can model your own emotional regulation out loud. “I’m feeling pretty bothered that I’ve had to ask so many times, but I’m going to take a breath and try again”. “I’ve been trying to put this furniture together for ages, and I feel pretty frustrated. I’m going to walk away, do something else and come back to it with a fresh perspective.” 

Imagine how well your child will manage emotions with modelling like that, every single day from their trusted adults, both at school and at home.

Next edition I will look at two skills that build directly on this one: knowing how to ask for help, and how we help children work through a disagreement without it turning into a fight. 

As always, my door is open if you would like to talk about any of this. You can find me in the Junior Campus Learning Lab on Thursdays and Fridays. Alternatively, you can send me an email at tyler.trevaskis@education.vic.gov.au

Tyler, Mental Health and Wellbeing Leader