Wellbeing

Big Feelings, Strong Connections: Helping Your Son Navigate Emotions

From the College Psychologist's Desk

Dear Parent, 

You may relate to this: One minute your teenage son is relaxed, the next he's frustrated, withdrawn, or insisting he's "fine" when he clearly is not. The high-school years bring enormous developmental changes in brain structure, resulting in some large shifts in behaviours. This biological change is happening at a time when friendships become more complex, academic pressures increase, and they are figuring out who they are and where they fit in. And, as a special bonus for parents of this generation to manage, social media is flooding their still-developing brains with millions of messages about how to be a man. The sheer volume of information confound an already challenging transition into manhood and one of the consequences is surging emotions. 

The Tuning into Teens (Melbourne University) research reminds us that emotions are not problems to be fixed. They are opportunities to connect with our sons and help them build lifelong emotional skills. Similarly, the Partners in Parenting (PiP) program developed through Monash University emphasises the important role parents play in supporting adolescent mental health through connection, communication and healthy family relationships. When young people feel connected to their parents and able to talk openly about their experiences, they are far more likely to thrive emotionally.

So, to help you out, I’ve summarised a few of their findings and some parenting tips to help manage this. 

Looking Beyond the Behaviour

Big feelings don't always look “emotional”. Boys often express sadness, anxiety, embarrassment or disappointment through:

• Anger or irritability,

• Shutting themselves away,

• Refusing to talk,

• Arguing over small things,

• Avoiding schoolwork, and/or

• Spending more time on screens or alone.

When their behaviour is tricky to manage, it’s difficult to figure out what emotion is beneath the behaviour. Think of an iceberg to help conceptualise this idea, where the real emotion is under the surface and the behaviour is sticking out above. It’s likely the feeling underneath needs the attention but we get caught in correcting the behaviour.

The "Tough Guy" Message

Many boys receive messages from society, sport, peers and social media that being "manly" means being tough, independent, and unaffected by emotions. They may learn that showing sadness, worry or vulnerability is a weakness. These messages can make it harder for boys to talk about what they're experiencing. 

Parents can play an important role in challenging this narrative by showing that emotional awareness, asking for support and talking about feelings are signs of strength, not weakness. Dr Shannon’s research with Edmund Rice Education Australia proposes that nurturing resilience, self-efficacy and their voice is essential for the positive mental health of adolescent boys in schools, as well as at home.  

Coach the Emotion

One of the core skills taught by Tuning in to Kids is emotion coaching. Before offering advice, consequences or solutions or dismissing a concern as too trivial, try to acknowledge what your son might be feeling.

• For example, instead of: "Don’t worry about what your friend did." 

• Try: "That sounds really difficult." or "I can see why you're feeling worried." 

Feeling heard and understood helps boys to calm down, become more open to talking and problem-solving, in addition to building the skill of labelling their emotions. Feeling dismissed leads to self-doubt, anger and reducing the likelihood that they’ll share their problems with you in the future. 

Helping Your Son Manage Big Feelings

Here are some practical tips to practice:

• Press pause: Practice taking one breath before answering. When we react, we can unintentionally become dysregulated with them. Pausing will give you a few seconds to respond instead of reacting. 

• Name the emotion: "You seem disappointed about what happened." “That sound really frustrating.” “I would have felt sad about that too.” If you can’t name the emotion, try the crowd favourite: say, “Wow!” and shrug your shoulders. You don’t have to be the expert, just hear and see him.  

• Coach, don’t know: To help your son explore possible solutions, refrain from telling him what to do, instead ask questions such as, “What do you think you should do?” What options have you considered?”. It’s ok to pretend that you don’t know, or to actually not know.     

• Rehearse: These skills are easy to outline and understand, but they require practice and rehearsal. 

You don't need to solve every problem. Often, your calm presence and curious attention is what helps most.

The Takeaway

Teenage boys don't need parents who can remove every obstacle from their path or answer every question. They need parents who can coach them and stay alongside them when things are difficult.

By tuning in to emotions, listening with curiosity and helping boys find the words for what they're feeling, parents teach skills that support resilience, self-efficacy and healthy relationships for years to come. Sometimes the most important message a teenager can hear is simply:

"I can see this is hard. I'm here with you. You’ve got this."

Boys develop emotional resilience when they feel connected, accepted and understood. Through consistent listening, emotion coaching, curiosity and connection, parents help their sons build the language and confidence to express their inner world. Warm, supportive parent-child relationships and open communication are among the most important protective factors for young people's emotional wellbeing.

Gabriela Perotti

College Psychologist