Asking for Help, and Working Things Out 

Hello GPS Community,

In the last edition, I wrote about helping children name what they feel, and how that naming creates a small gap, a pause, a moment, where a choice becomes possible. This time I want to look at two of the choices that moment or pause opens up: knowing when to ask for help, and knowing how to handle the ordinary friction of being around other people.

Asking for help is a skill, and not always as simple as it sounds. Plenty of children would rather struggle in silence or avoid doing the task than put their hand up. And typically, in my experience and learning, it is because they don’t want to look like they don’t know, or heaven forbid look like they weren’t listening. So, we show them how and when to ask for help. We do it really explicitly so it’s nice and clear. 

We talk about who you can go to and when, we make it normal and unremarkable to ask, and we try to respond in a way that makes a child glad they did rather than sorry. A child who will tell a trusted adult when something is wrong is a child who is much safer, and I want every Gardenvale child to be that child. If something is big, ongoing, or makes your child feel unsafe, we always want to know. Please encourage them to come to us, and come to us yourselves. We constantly discuss the concept of ‘trusted adults’, and students are always better off if these trusted adults communicate to one another and behave like they’re on the same team. At the end of the day, whether we agree or not, all of us want what’s best for these children. 

The second skill I want to talk about is trickier to put our fingers on. School is one of the first places children learn that you don't get to choose everyone you share a space with. They will work in groups with children they click with and children they don't. They will have a good day next to someone who is having a bad one. Learning to get along with all kinds of people, including the ones you don’t really like, is an absolute life skill. It is one of the most useful things a person can carry into adult life, into every workplace and team they will ever be part of.

A big part of that is learning to size things correctly. Children feel things strongly and immediately, which is as expected and normal. Their little brains are still developing and their ability to self regulate is too. But not everything that triggers our emotions needs to become a big thing. Picture a passing comment in the yard. One child thinks, "that upset me, and I'm telling a teacher," or worse, "that upset me, and I'm getting them back." Another thinks, "that upset me, but they're clearly not having a great day," and keeps playing. Same comment, very different afternoon. The second child hasn't pretended it didn't hurt. They have just kept it the right size, and not handed a passing moment more power than it deserves.

I want to be really clear here about this, because it’s important to me that this isn’t about repressing emotions or students making negative comments getting away with it. This is not about teaching children to swallow their feelings, and it is absolutely not about brushing off unkindness. Being unkind is never okay, and we try our best to deal with it when it happens. What we are building is something more like self-assured confidence. It’s a calmness. A steadiness. 

The understanding that what someone says is often more about them and their day than it is about you, and that one careless comment does not get to decide how you see yourself. A child who really knows that is far harder to knock off balance, and far less likely to either crumble or retaliate over something small.

I’m not going to pretend this is easy, or that it's simple. I’m typing this, asking children to both speak up and to let some things go, and the difference between the two is a judgment call that takes years to develop. So we carefully try to teach both of these things. To ask for help with anything big, ongoing, or unsafe, and simultaneously build the confidence to let the small, passing stuff slide off. This balance naturally shifts with age. Our youngest children should lean on adults for almost everything as their capacity and independence builds, and that is totally fair. As children grow, we gradually hand more of the small stuff over to them, as they become ready and skilful enough to carry it.

At home, you can help with both halves. Keep the door wide open for the big things, so your child always knows telling you is the right move. To quote Ted Lasso, “be curious, not judgemental”, and be there to support and discuss. 

And for the small knocks, you can be the steady voice that helps put these things into perspective: a calm "that sounds annoying, do you think they were having a rough day?" does more than it looks like it does. Offer them perspective. Keep it calm, keep it the right size. You are showing your child that a feeling can be real and valid, and also still be manageable.

Next edition I will look at what we do when things genuinely are hard. How we help children cope with disappointment, setbacks and the days that don't go to plan.

As always, my door is open if you would like to talk about any of this. You can typically find me in the Junior Campus Learning Lab on Thursdays and Fridays.

Tyler, Mental Health and Wellbeing Leader