WHEN CHILDREN WON'T TALK ABOUT THEIR BEHAVIOUR

It's normal to avoid things that are unpleasant and uncomfortable. So it's important to be prepared for that tricky conversation. Remember to choose a time when you are both calm and emotions are not high. It is also important to remember that changing patterns of behaviour will take time.

Here are some tips from Imperfect Families that might help with that tricky conversation.

Shame is Powerful – Often interpreted as we’re not good enough, we’re not loveable, and vulnerability is scary and bad. Admitting fault is risky because you may not love them if they are imperfect. These messages often cause children to blame others, resist taking responsibility, and to act like “everything’s fine.” Here are some tips on how to respond when shame impacts behaviour.
Pick your Battles – If you’re constantly wanting to talk about behaviour, your child will dread these conversations. Instead, clump like things together (sharing, sibling, chores, etc.), look for patterns, or address the “big things” and let the smaller things go. Here is more information about dealing with “non-negotiable” situations.
Zoom Out – Things often seem really important in the moment, but stepping back puts them into context. Was your child exhausted? Hungry? Maybe the behaviour doesn’t need to be addressed, instead, you just chalk it up to the fact that a basic needed to be met before they could make a better choice. Here are 25 things that can impact your child’s behaviour.
Dig for the Why – Resist the urge to blame, criticise, or come in as a “know it all” with all the solutions. Instead, get curious. Ask open-ended questions, learn what else was going on in the moment, explore what led up to the behaviour, who was involved, etc. Wonder “why was this situation more difficult than others?” Here are some questions to explore together.
Keep it Conversational – Nothing ends a conversation faster than a lecture. Remember to stop talking long enough for your child to get a word in. Be empathetic, asking yourself, “How would I want someone to talk to me about this?” Realise that they may need a minute or two to formulate a response. Here’s a lecture-alternative to try.
Believe the “I don’t know” – Behaviour doesn’t always make sense to children. Sometimes they are just responding to an internal trigger, feeling overstimulated, or responding from a state of stress. The disconnect between thoughts, feelings, and behaviour can be confusing. Rather than punishing this response, look for ways to encourage your child to tune into their body and communicate their feelings. These mindfulness strategies may be helpful.
Use Everyday Events – Sometimes, it’s easier to process something when it happened to someone else. Look for books, TV shows, stories from when you were young, or hypothetical situations that talk about the lesson you’re trying to teach in a general way. Use these things to start a conversation, ask their opinion, or build on in it the future.
Explore Other Methods – Don’t force your children to talk face-to-face about difficult things (it’s hard for some people to make eye contact when they’re feeling ashamed about their behaviour). Instead, encourage note writing, journaling, opportunities to talk in the dark at bedtime or while driving together in the car – which can all make it feel less vulnerable for your child to be honest.
Rank the Results – For children who struggle to talk about what happened, use the 1-5 scale (1 being “absolutely not” to 5 being “absolutely yes”) you can give some ideas of what might have happened or what they might have been thinking and they can put up 1 to 5 fingers to tell you how accurate you are and get a conversation started.
Don’t force it – Yes, you want to address the behaviour, especially if it’s becoming a pattern, but demanding an answer probably won’t get the answers you’re looking for. Take it slow. Give it time. Make it “safe” for your child to be honest with you by respecting their limits. Short conversations – even without solutions or resolution – may be a good place to start.

Remember, changing patterns takes time – Changing the way you respond, can change how your children respond. Unfortunately, it may take a while for your child to trust that your desire to talk about their behaviour isn’t going to turn into a punishment. Be patient with yourself, and your child.

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