COLLEGE COUNSELLOR 

Family - Relating Well

As I mentioned in my last article, one of the most important things you can do for your teenager is look after your spouse. A strong loving marriage relationship shows children what to look for in a life partner, how to relate to the opposite sex and forms their expectations about how they will be treated in their romantic relationships. It is therefore crucial that you look after each other. Have date nights, speak gently and kindly, show appreciation and respect to each other and make sure you express your admiration, respect and love in front of the kids. 

Having a strong relationship with your teenager can be a trickier proposition. A multitude of books have been written about relating well to teenagers so it is unlikely that I will do the topic justice but here are a few tips that should be useful in building strong relationships with your children.

Relating Well

Be Involved

Show interest in your child’s hobbies, celebrate their accomplishments and share their disappointments. You don’t have to make a big deal of this - sometimes it’s just a matter of showing up to watch your child play sport or music, or driving them to extracurricular activities. You might even find that you enjoy playing “minecraft” or “among us” and it could help you understand the world they are immersed in. By being interested in a broad range of their interests and activities your children are more likely to join you in your pursuits and interests as well.

Listen

Listen. Careful listening is key. If you are curious about what’s going on in your teen’s life, asking direct questions might not be as effective as simply sitting back and listening. Kids are more likely to be open with their parents if they don’t feel pressured to share information. Remember even an offhand comment about something that happened during the day may be their way of reaching out, and you’re likely to hear more if you stay open and interested — but not prying.

Validate their feelings

Validate their feelings. With teenage issues it is sometimes painfully obvious to us what the answer is and the best course of action seems like it should be apparent. One of the temptations we face as parents is to try to solve problems for our kids or downplay their disappointments. You might say something like “She wasn’t right for you anyway” after a romantic disappointment but this can feel dismissive. Part of good listening is reflecting back the feelings that a person is going through in your own words. This shows you’re not only hearing them but understanding what they are going through. A better response to the situation above might be “Wow, that does sound difficult.”

Show Trust

Show trust. One of the main tasks in adolescence is becoming independent and this is a goal we should be helping our kids work toward. Teens want to be taken seriously, especially by their parents. Look for ways to show that you trust your teen. Ask them to do a favor for you that takes some initiative to show that you rely on them. Volunteering a privilege, rather than them having to ask for it, shows that you think they can handle it. Letting your children know you have faith in them will boost their confidence and make them more likely to rise to the occasion. There will always be times when you don’t let them do things but it is important to let them know that you trust their character but their judgement is still developing. You can let them know that as their judgement increases with age then they will be given more responsibility and autonomy.

Give Praise

Give praise. Our tendency is to praise children more when they are young, but adolescents need the self-esteem boost just as much (if not more). They might act like they’re too cool to care about what their parents think, but the truth is your teenager still really craves your approval. Just like when they are kids you need to be mindful to reward behaviour that you want them to do more. When you see them being respectful or kind or thinking of others find a way to encourage them for that. It may be as subtle as a look or a nod or a high five. If it is something significant though feel free to be more overt. You could take them out for coffee or a meal and make a point of telling them how proud you are of them. Again, the more positive you can be with them the better it will be for your relationship so try to catch them being good and reward them for it.

Control Your Emotions

Control your emotions. Teenagers can be extremely good at pushing your buttons. They are practiced and skilled at infuriating parents. It’s easy for your temper to flare when your teen is being rude, but don’t respond in kind. Remember that you’re the adult and they are less able to control their emotions or think logically when they’re upset. Count to ten or take some deep breaths before responding. If you’re both too upset to talk, hit pause until you’ve had a chance to calm down. Teach them how to negotiate properly by setting a time to talk about issues and listen carefully and respectfully as you would with a colleague at work.

Be Observant

Be observant. It’s normal for kids to go through lots of changes as they mature, but pay attention if you notice changes to their mood, behavior, energy level, or appetite. Likewise, take note if they stop wanting to do things that used to make them happy, or if you notice them isolating themselves. If you see a change in your teen’s daily ability to function, ask them about it and be supportive (without being judgmental). 

We now (finally) find ourselves at the end of an unprecedented and tumultuous year. The world is a different place than it was and the many changes have been unsettling and quite stressful for so many across the world. It is comforting to reflect on the fact that God is the same yesterday, today and forever and to remember at this time of Christmas, the gift of Jesus. As the bible says “The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22-23. Enjoy these holidays with your families as we celebrate God breaking into human history to seek and save the lost.

God bless and merry Christmas.

Michael Lance | College Counsellor