From the Counsellors
Six steps to avoid over-worrying
Parenting can sometimes feel like a long road of worry, fear and guilt about what you have or haven’t done in raising your child/ren. This is not surprising, considering the enormity of the responsibility of raising children. The good thing about bringing up children is that as long as they know they are loved and cared for and you keep them safe, there are very few absolute rights and wrongs; you can be creative, there is no rule book.
As the Raising Children Network reports, there are a few important things to keep in mind:
- You are the most significant role model in their lives.
- Children need consistency, routines and boundaries.
- Children are individuals – what works for one child, may not work for the other children.
Parents and carers worry about many things, in particular:
- Safety
- Health
- Social media and its impact
- Bullying
- School
- Their children’s future
- Teaching right and wrong, and managing behaviour
- How to talk to their children keeping communication open.
Unfortunately, no matter how you parent, you cannot fully protect your child against everything that life presents, and you will already know that those challenges are many and varied.
When children are resilient, they cope better during or after difficult situations. The following link provides some useful resources for helping your child or teenager build resilience to enable them to bounce back from everyday challenges.
Resilience in teenagers: how to build it
The 'worried-driven cycle'
Worrying about our kids keeps them safe, secure, healthy and learning. If parents didn’t worry the opposite would happen - children would not be kept safe, healthy and learning! It’s the style of worrying, however, that can be productive or debilitating. Worry that produces positive solutions is worth doing, of course.
For the purpose of this article, we would like to share with you six steps to avoid over-worrying, over-focusing on your child and being a helicopter parent.
1. Don’t hover over your child
Kids cannot learn if their parents are always doing it for them - don’t do things for your child that they can do for themselves, i.e. make calls for them, talk to their teacher for them, tie their laces, carry their backpacks, solve problems at school for them if they are capable of doing it themselves, answer for them, not allow them to feel pain and discomfort. Instead, give rise to struggles and celebrate the outcomes!
2. Don’t put the worry on your child’s back
Try and avoid looking for evidence to confirm your worst fears about your child, 'Did you have a happy time at recess and lunch today?', 'Was Maths hard for you today?', 'Are you OK?'. You can learn the answers to these questions without overlaying your fears onto them.
3. Don’t make your child the centre of the universe
Be aware if you are allowing your child’s achievements to determine your self worth and validation. Try not to over-function for him/her - doing for them what they can do for themself as this prevents them from functioning on their own.
4. Don’t label your child
Negatively (or even positively) labelling your child is not wise because it can create a self-fulfilling prophecy. Don’t remind your child that she is 'the clever one', or 'the funny one', or 'the lazy one', or 'the one who will turn out just like Dad'. Avoid saying, 'You never…' or 'You always…' Let go of deciding now who your child is or will become; nobody knows yet, not even your child. The bottom line is that words are powerful, so don’t make predictions about what your child will become.
5. Don’t take it personally if your child does not agree with you
Try not to shut your child down when their opinions differ from yours. Invite the ideas by requesting him/her to tell you more.
6. Don’t focus on your child as a way of not having to deal with your own struggles
Try not to think or worry about your child’s life so much that you avoid thinking about your own life, your work, interests or your adult relationships.
In conclusion, find strategies to let go of the constant worry as a parent and realise you cannot control everything your kids do - you can only respond to the way they behave. Try to focus on their strengths as well as their struggles - let them work through the struggle! Allow them to make mistakes, face their own consequences and solve their own problems. This will help you become a calmer, more peaceful parent.
Gai Bath (Kinder–Year 6) and
Jane Sutcliffe (Year 7–12)
SMC Counsellors