Counsellors' Corner
Term 4 is a short term and the girls will inevitably begin to feel the pressure with all the work that needs to be completed before the Christmas holidays commence.
The current generation of young people often receive 'bad press' as being unable to apply themselves or fend for themselves due to their parents having 'smoothed the path' or shielded them from disappointment. Another assumption which has contributed to this belief is that the current generation receiveS constant rewards for minimal achievement.
Although the social, technological, and political environment may be ever changing, we most probably experienced the same feelings and attitudes towards school as our daughters, when we were growing up. Adolescence is the life-stage where we are in the process of defining our identity. Therefore, the social and political climate our young people grow up in contributes to how they shape their very sense of self. Some professionals believe this may be creating an environment that fosters the need to be perfect during their formative years.
In order to reduce the pressure to be 'perfect', it can be helpful to assess our own perfectionistic habits. Perfectionism can come from a variety of sources: amongst these, perfectionism may be self-oriented or socially prescribed. People who are high in self-oriented perfectionism will hold unrealistic expectations of themselves, and are punitive in their self-evaluations; whereas being high in socially prescribed perfectionism indicates that you believe your social context is excessively demanding and that others judge you harshly. These people feel they must display perfection to secure approval. If any of this sounds familiar, it can be helpful to reflect on your own behaviour and assess whether it may be contributing to perfectionism in your daughter. Challenging your daughter on realistic expectations that teachers have for her can also be helpful to reduce self-pressure.
The 21st century focus on individual achievement also tends to foster competition and can lead to increased levels of perfectionism amongst our girls. Perpetuating this belief can be the pervasive influence of social media and the constant messages of perfectionism where individuals feel they must present perfectly in order to be better than others. Challenging these pressures can be an important conversation to regularly have with your daughter. Unfortunately, social media can be partially responsible for the negative view of oneself, ie: where the young person can be overwhelmed by pathological worry and a fear of negative social evaluation. This can be characterised by a focus on deficiencies, and sensitivity to criticism and failure. As parents we can also get caught up with these unrealistic standards for our children in order for them to be successful in life.
It is important for parents to be aware that our girls may be developing their self-worth from an increasingly demanding social context. They may feel others judge them more harshly and this can contribute to the belief that they need to be 'perfect' as a means of securing approval. If we understand that trying to attain perfection will not contribute to happiness, then we are in a better position to encourage our girls to be confident enough to not feel the need to constantly compare themselves with others. Creating a home environment where everyone listens to each other and can feel supported when things don’t go to plan is the best way to help our daughters develop into strong confident young women.
Best wishes for a positive start to Term 4!
Liz Marlay and Ellie Keane
College Counsellors
