Parenting Tip

All Too Easy on Me

What it is: This week, Taylor Swift made headlines for her music video and new lyrics for her re-recorded version of “All Too Well,” an “infamous weepie” that now sounds more like a revenge song. Also, Adele’s “One Night Only” special and interview with Oprah drew 9.9 million viewers.

Why it's connected: Adele’s and Swift’s new material might not seem to have much in common at first, besides both artists being popular singer/songwriters for Millennials and Gen Z. But new releases from both of the artists grapple with themes of forgiveness, maturity, and love’s authenticity.

When Adele decided to leave her marriage because she wasn’t feeling 100% in love, Oprah called it a great message to other women who weren’t feeling 100% happy. This brings up an important question for Christians to consider: what, according to the Bible, does it mean to be “in love”?

1 Corinthians 16:14 says, bluntly, “Do everything in love.” In other words, although our culture almost universally defines love as a feeling that we are powerless to do anything but watch and wait for, in the Bible, love is a commandment. Jesus says, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself.” The Apostle Paul says, “Husbands, love your wives.” And though there are multiple Greek words used in the Bible for love, almost never is it described as a feeling, or as something that happens to us—rather, it’s something we are enjoined to choose, and act to in.

The source of pain in Taylor’s song “All Too Well” might be summed up in the lyrics: “Well maybe we got lost in translation / Maybe I asked for too much / But maybe this thing was a masterpiece / ‘Til you tore it all up.” In other words, she was ready to commit but the other party fled. Gen Z is growing up in a world that motivates fleeing by defining love almost entirely in terms of the presence of certain feelings.

Ironically, when we decide to act in love regardless of how we feel—rather than trying to primarily pursue feelings—our feelings are also built up. As C.S. Lewis put it, “Do not waste time bothering whether you ‘love’ your neighbor; act as if you did. As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him.” Tim Keller likewise says, “So if your definition of ‘love’ stresses affectionate feelings more than unselfish actions, you will cripple your ability to maintain and grow strong love relationships. On the other hand, if you stress the action of love over the feeling, you enhance and establish the feeling. That is one of the secrets of living life, as well as of marriage.”

The definition of love that Gen Z accepts will define the trajectory of their lives and their relationships. 

Here are some questions we hope might spark discussion about that:

• What are the consequences of defining love as a feeling?
• What are the consequences of defining love as an action?
• What do you think true love looks like?