Student Wellbeing

What makes a good friend?

In my role I am fortunate enough to teach in both the Preparatory and Senior Schools; on a Monday I can co-teach Year 1 before lunch and then after lunch delve into the complexities of senior Biology with my Year 11 class. You would be forgiven in thinking that the social problems the students in each class are facing are very different, and indeed they are, but a universal issue that I deal with in my wellbeing role is the problem of friendships, or more specifically the toxic nature of friendships.

Having good friends who love and support you for who you are is really important to your happiness, no matter what age. Research has shown that the better the quality of your relationships, the more likely you are to be happy. So, being a great friend to someone and having friends support your back is good for your wellbeing. When I meet with students we often talk about what a good friend looks like and universally the students at school will tell me that a friend is there for you, no matter what; doesn’t judge you; doesn’t put you down or deliberately hurt your feelings; is kind and respectful to you; laughs with you and makes you smile.

Part of growing up is finding your place in social networks or your ‘tribe’. Children’s peers become incredibly important and there is less focus on parents and significant adults. As a result, impressing and belonging become very important. Traditionally boys jostle their way through friendship issues with physical strength and humour, whilst girls are much better at using their communication and interpersonal skills. Dealing with a toxic friendship is hard for students, no one likes the idea of losing a friend and some people deserve a second chance. As parents, dealing with your son’s/daughters toxic friendships can be even harder! However, there are things that we as parents can do.

1. Make friendship cool. Talk about the great qualities of your friends to your kids or comment on the great qualities of your child’s friends.
2. Explicitly teach kindness, compassion and empathy. Ensure that your child knows the importance of these traits in friendships.
3. Explicitly teach emotional intelligence. Help children recognise who is loyal and who is safe.
4. Teach your children to be up ‘Upstanders’, someone who will stand up to bullying or unkind behaviour.
5. Carefully manage online activity. A lot of friendship issues happen out of school hours, in cyberspace. Kids need a break from their friendship groups.
6. Create opportunities for children to meet lots of new people outside of school and get to know them well.

Finally, sometimes students need help to navigate the difficulties of friendships. If this is the case then speak to your child’s classroom teacher, Tutor or Head Tutor for some advice.

Mrs Emma Bylsma

Head of Student Wellbeing