Senior Years and Wellbeing
Thank you to Mrs Francis O’Brien for forwarding this on. Part of an article from one of my favourite parenting experts, Maggie Dent.
Please teach your sons about ‘the line in the sand’.
Raising our sons to be the best expression of themselves — whether they are outgoing, strong ‘alpha’ boys or more gentle, sensitive lads who seem to have a greater capacity to care — requires them to learn about ‘the line in the sand’.
This is the metaphorical line between what is appropriate and acceptable, and what is not.
Things have been changing quite rapidly in the healthy raising of our boys and it seems that the line has become a bit blurry for many.
Looking at the results of the latest National Community Attitudes towards Violence against Women Survey (NCAS) Youth report, it is clear that we still have a lot of work to do in teaching boys and young men about consent, sexism, boundaries and how to behave more respectfully towards girls and women.
Much of what was considered okay 30 years ago is largely unacceptable now and yet we still need to respect many of the biological, hormonal and physical differences that exist between a statistically significant number of our boys and girls — not all boys and not all girls, but enough of them.
With greater understanding and guidance, I believe if we start early in life we can have a big impact on raising our boys to not only clearly see the line in the sand but to shift attitudes and behaviours significantly.
The line on movement
Given that many boys need plenty of movement to create enough positive neurochemicals to feel good and reduce stress, it makes sense why so many boys wriggle, fidget and walk around randomly in our early childhood settings, primary schools and secondary classrooms.
Sadly so many of these boys are made to feel bad and naughty when they are unable to keep their bodies still. More and more educators are realising there is a fundamental need to build more movement into their classrooms, which is of course beneficial for girls too.
We need to teach our young lads about the need for healthy boundaries while acknowledging their biological need to move.
We can teach them that they may quietly tap their foot on the floor, or jiggle their legs or maybe they could choose to do some random doodling to help them stay seated when the teacher needs them to do so.
Random walking around classrooms can be crossing the line and leaving the classroom without permission is definitely crossing the line.
The line on physicality
One of the things that causes a lot of confusion, particularly for mums of sons, is the incredible physicality of boys’ behaviour when they are together.
This can mean lots of slapping, jumping on each other, wrestling, shoving and pushing. And yes sometimes boys get hurt.
Michael Gurian explores the phenomenon called “aggression nurturance”. Essentially this means that being physically aggressive is a very normal part of boys’ growth and development – with other boys. Gurian is very careful to clarify that aggression in this instance is not violence. There are some who believe that boys have a higher tolerance of physical pain than girls and that would make sense given how rough their play can become at times!
When boys are being physically, playfully aggressive towards other boys (again we are not talking about them being physically violent), they are actually seeking connection just like most girls do through conversation and cooperative play.
The first line in the sand that boys need to learn about this is that roughhousing or rough and tumble play is normal when they are trying to connect and have fun with other boys.
However, if either boy feels wronged or disrespected then this form of play can change from being aggressive to violent, because the underlying intention now is to hurt rather than connect. That is crossing the line.
It is important to explain to little boys that this form of often physically rough play is generally only acceptable with other boys rather than girls. Of course there are some girls who really like this form of play and I was one of them but most will find this form of play unwanted, unwelcome and unacceptable.
It is really important not to punish boys when they unintentionally hurt another boy when they are playing in a physical way. Given that the instinctual drive of males that continues from caveman days is to kill mammoths and be fearless, then this form of play is coming from a deep biological and possibly archetypal origin.
“The male approach to friendship and love is often different from female – males often emphasize challenge and the pursuit of valour together, and this kind of bonding is crucial to human survival and thriving.”
— Michael Gurian, Saving our Sons (2017).
Remember not all boys want to play rough and it’s important to let your son know that and that a challenge can be a building a cubby or digging to China can be incredibly bonding too.
The most important place to start educating our boys about the importance of the line in the sand is in our homes from loving mums and dads and carers.
You must be careful not to shame the way that most boys interact with each other, however we need them to know that the line in the sand really matters.
Sometimes they’re going to cross it and with loving guidance they can take that as a learning opportunity so that next time they can make a better choice. We must step forward now to stop this disturbing and concerning shift in nasty behaviour.
By Maggie Dent -Posted May 28th 2019
Kristen Waldron