From The Counselling Suite

Sibling Rivalry and Parent Survival

While all parents dream of perfect children who all get along with each other all the time, this is rarely the case; most families experience conflict between the children to some degree.  While it can be very upsetting and create stress and havoc in the family, sibling rivalry is normal – the family provides a safe environment for children to learn important life skills such as how to see situations from another’s perspective, how to compromise and negotiate, how to control aggressive impulses and how to resolve conflict.

 

Although some siblings are best of friends, it is more likely that they will have a ‘love-hate’ relationship where they are best friends one minute and detest each other the next.   Sibling rivalry is more likely to occur when the children are close in age and the same gender, however surprisingly, research indicates that the child’s rating of their relationship with a sibling is more optimistic than the rating which the parents give.  So, often things are not quite as bad as parents believe.  

 

There are a myriad of reasons why siblings fight: as children grow, their needs evolve and change as they try to work out their identities and their place in the family and in the wider community.   As they grow, they learn to assert themselves more, they develop a sense of individuality and want to be independent and to do things their way.

 

Children are all different and individual temperaments and personalities are a major influence on the way they relate to others.   Some kids have a very relaxed attitude to life and are rarely upset by others, while another may be exceptionally ‘prickly’ and fly off the handle at the smallest slight.  

 

While it is common for siblings to fight and argue, it is not pleasant, and any family can only tolerate so much conflict, especially as conflict between two siblings often seems to flow over to the rest of the family members – in no time everyone is involved.   

 

It is important to control the conflict and to set boundaries for acceptable behavior, such as no hitting or punching, no swearing, no name-calling, no slamming doors.     Kids often resort to ‘that’s not fair’, and yes that is true, but sometimes life just isn’t fair!   Nothing much is to be gained by trying to apportion blame when siblings fight either – neither one will accept that they started the fight; it is better to remind them that each is responsible for his own actions, regardless of the situation or whether they were provoked or not.

 

There will be times when kids just need time apart from each other and from the family dynamics.   Give them time and opportunity to do things on their own without the annoyance of being interrupted by siblings.

 

Most kids value a little time on their own with you, their parent – time when they don’t have to compete with brothers and sisters for your attention.   Finding time to do this in a busy family is challenging but just because it is challenging doesn’t mean it is impossible!   It will pay dividends in the long run.

 

The Counselling Team is available to advise and support all students and families and can be contacted by email: counselling@bps.sa.edu.au .   Parents may also refer their son to the Counselling Team by using the Referral found on the Parent Portal.  

 

Ms Cathie Oswald

School Counsellor (Monday, Thursday and Friday)

 

Mrs Karen Davies

School Psychologist (Tuesday and Thursday)