Chaplain’s Corner

Leadership – Conflict Resolution 101 

Conflict is inevitable, we all experience it, we all come up against it … probably even every single day. But Max Lucado says, “although conflict is inevitable, combat is optional.” 

The Bible is the greatest leadership manual you will ever find and has some practical advice on things like dealing with conflict.

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry …

Be quick to listen - actually listen. If someone is upset with you, don’t just hear what you want to hear. If someone asks you to talk things out, quickly go to them and hear them out, listen to what they have to say. James 3:19

Be slow to speak. 

Take time to consider what you are going to say, how you are going to say it, and think twice as hard about that, if you are responding via text or email, rather than in person. Take time to gather your thoughts before you retaliate.

Be slow to become angry. 

Anger clouds our judgement and it can be like adding petrol to a flame. It can distort and amplify something that could have been a small thing, into something you just don’t know how to claw back. Remember, hurt people hurt people. It’s because our judgement is clouded and we tend to react out of emotion, rather than coming from a place that is considered and calm.

Go to that person alone. 

Matthew 18, tells us that if someone wrongs us, we should go to that person, and that person alone, and try to work it out. Don’t try and rally up a posse of supporters to agree that you are in the right and then gang up. What is the instruction? First, go straight to the person who has offended you and try to work it out. Through a thoughtful, peaceful conversation, you might quickly sort out your differences before the situation becomes out of control.

Get a mediator. 

The scripture continues. What happens if they still don’t listen, or it backfires and makes things worse? Then the encouragement is to take it to the church, or to leadership, or a teacher, or someone you trust. Take the issue to a person of wisdom who can independently, without bias, mediate between the two sides. This takes humility and a desire to reconcile, to forgive and find a way forward. 

But what if they don’t want to participate, or things still don’t work out having been through this process? The Bible’s encouragement is to ...

Wipe the dust off your feet. 

Matthew 10 tells us to ‘wipe the dust off your feet.’ In other words, offer forgiveness and move on. Sometimes we need to check our own attitude, and change our own response, rather than waiting for the other person to change; a change which unfortunately may never come. Holding on to your offense will only make you twisted and bitter. 

Then remember, a considered, soft approach during conflict will be a like a calming ointment, a hot cup of milo, that might just see the two of you come together to make peace. 

A soft word turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

If you come to make peace with accusations, and a ‘whoever speaks louder will win the argument’ attitude… guess what? Walls go up, words are not heard, and the relationship further breaks down, rather than being restored.

Speak truth. 

Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbour, for we are members one of another. Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil. Ephesians 4:25-27

When you talk things out, speak truth. Don’t beat around the bush. If it’s said in love, then truth will be appreciated. Share how you feel, talk about the facts of the situation. 

Don’t let the sun go down on your anger. 

It’s okay to feel a little angry or upset, if there has been an injustice against you, but we are challenged - don’t go to bed without addressing it because tomorrow it might be twice as bad, as we stew over it, or lose sleep over it and make it bigger in our minds than it needs to be. The encouragement is to sort it out as quickly as possible.

Love at the centre. 

Finally, remember to approach conflict resolution with love at the centre. We don’t have to be best friends with everyone; however, we do need to show love and grace towards one another, just as Christ loved us. Amen!

Ps Matt Daly

Chaplain