Aitken College Newsletter

Be Well and Prosper

‘Good Enough’ Parenting Is Good Enough!

Ruth Bone

 

Following on from my article about building bridges with your child when things are stressful, I started to think about how my expectations impact on my mood and on the relationship I have with my children.

 

Parenting styles seemed to be fairly similar when I was growing up (in the 1970s – 80s it was pretty discipline focused and boundaries were usually quite clear and congruent with other families).  Nowadays, there seem to be so many different ideologies and beliefs – from Baumrind’s ‘four parenting styles’ to ‘attachment parenting’ (Bowlby; Ainsworth), ‘positive parenting’ (Seligman), ‘unconditional parenting’ (Kohn), ‘slow parenting’ (Honore) to name but a few…

 

We have also moved from being a completely parent-led society to one that is much more child-led. For example, when I was a child we had to fit into the routine of the family and our needs were met when it was convenient.  The focus of a currently popular parenting model – attachment parenting – is meeting the needs of your baby on demand.  This is usually done with the added pressure of continuing to meet society’s expectations of fulfilling a variety of other roles – earner, cleaner, partner, cook etc.

 

Add to this the constant bombardment of ‘uber-parent’ posts on social media – those who have time to bake everything from scratch, create meaningful crafts outdoors using only reclaimed wood, with wonderfully behaved offspring whose clothes always look clean and pressed; who are also running their three businesses from home and training for a marathon – and the pressure to be amazing is immense!

 

It’s no wonder we get overwhelmed and irritable sometimes!

 

This got me thinking – what are my expectations? How realistic are they? What impact do they have on the relationship I have with my children?

 

Years ago, I came across the work of Winnicott who looked at the idea of a ‘good enough’ mother.  At that time it meant little to me as I had no children but I have recently revisited it, along with the work of Bettelheim who has expanded on the original ideas and made some very interesting additions. I have found this very helpful for validating my parenting efforts and managing my expectations of myself and my children.

 

What is a ‘good enough’ parent?

  1. They don’t strive for or expect perfection in themselves or their children. A ‘good enough’ parent understands that we are all human, we all make mistakes and nobody is perfect.  Of course, we often say things like this to others but then put impossibly high standards on ourselves.  By managing our expectations we take away some of the pressure of parenting and prevent ourselves from feeling dissatisfied.  If we feel more content ourselves then this has a positive impact on the relationship we have with our child.
  2. They encourage autonomy by allowing their child to make mistakes. Most modern parents will be familiar with the term ‘helicopter parenting’ which is used to describe a parenting style where the child is not free to explore or experience things without the parent ‘hovering’ over them.  Of course, we all want to protect our child from harm but by doing things for them means they miss out on the true feelings of their own success or failure and the invaluable experience of learning by doing.
  3. They support their child as an individual. As a parent it is our job to create human beings who will go out into society as well rounded, happy adults (hopefully!).  In order to do this, they will need support and guidance but ultimately, their life experiences will be their own and we are there to help them decide on and achieve their goals, not to prove what a great job we’ve done bringing them up!
  4. They are empathic.  Empathy is the key to successful relationships and the relationship with your child is no exception! By actively trying to understand and respect your child’s feelings, you are teaching them that they are important and giving them a working blueprint for all their future relationships.
  5. They respect their child.  Respect works both ways! By having the belief that your child deserves to be happy and successful and respecting and validating their feelings and experiences you are encouraging your child to do the same.
  6. They focus on the here and now.  I’m not saying you shouldn’t plan for future eventualities but being more ‘present’ in your child’s life now is so important. By focusing on a fulfilling and satisfying childhood, you are providing a great foundation for their future!

Is good enough parenting the key to successful parenting?

Bone, R 2018, ‘Good enough’ parenting is good enough!, Family Wellness Practice, viewed 1 February 2021, <https://www.familywellnesspractice.com/good-enough-parenting-is-good-enough/>.

Aitken Wellbeing Committee