Student Wellbeing & Learner Diversity 

Parenting Tips for Preteens and Tweens

How To Stay Close As Our Children Move Into Adolescence

It’s typically between the ages of nine and twelve that our cute, cuddly little children, once so willing to climb into our laps and share their secrets, suddenly want little or nothing to do with us. A child in preadolescence is not the same person they were just a year or two ago. They have changed—physically, cognitively, emotionally, and socially. They’re developing new independence and may even want to see how far they can push limits set by parents.

What they may not know is that they need you as much as ever, because a strong parent-child relationship now can set the stage for a much less turbulent adolescence. But it won’t be easy, because you as a parent need to respect your child’s need for greater autonomy in order to forge a successful relationship.

Don’t feel rejected by their newfound independence

It’s appropriate for kids this age to start turning away from their parents and relying more and more on friends, but parents can take their pre-teen’s withdrawal as rejection.

Beware of trying to force information out of a resistant tween. As parents we want to know everything, this can alienate our children by being too inquisitive.

Set aside special time with your child

It’s often tough to get pre-teens to open up and talk. Establish a special period of one-on-one time once or twice a week that you spend with your tween, where you’re providing undivided attention, and you’re not working or texting at the same time. Mother/daughter or mother/son and father/daughter or father/son days are a way to create a time to talk and build a relationship. A fishing trip with my son or a high tea afternoon in Melbourne with my daughter, were always times where we would chat on the drive (with no eye contact!) as your eyes were on the road, which helped facilitate conversations where ‘boundaries’ were reduced.

Try the indirect approach

When they were younger you could ask direct questions. How was school? How did you do on the task? Now, the direct approach — asking them questions about school and their day — doesn’t work. Suddenly that feels overwhelming and intrusive for your child. You may hear, “You’re interrogating me!”  

Now you may have to take the opposite approach and position yourself as mostly just a listener. If you actually just sit down, without questions, and just listen, you’re more likely to get the information about your child’s life that you’re wanting. This approach gives tweens the message that this is a place and a time where they can come and talk, and they have permission to say anything that they’re thinking or feeling. 

Sometimes you’ll be able to help and give advice — but don’t try to step in and solve all their problems. Other times you’ll just be there to empathise with how hard it is to deal with whatever they’re going through.

Don’t be overly judgmental

At this age your children are watching you very astutely to hear how judgmental you are. They are taking their cues on how you talk about other people’s children, especially children that get into trouble — how that girl dresses, or that boy has good manners or bad manners. And they are watching and deciding whether you are harsh, critical or judgmental.

For example, the parent who says, “‘I can’t believe they posted this picture on Facebook!” “If we were their parents we’d be mortified.” Or, “I can’t believe they sent that YouTube video around!” These are comments on behaviours that need (or may not need) commenting on, but the intensity and the rigidity of the judgement is what backfires. Your child will begin to wonder if they make an error in judgement, what your comments or feelings about them will be. 

Watch what they watch with them.

Watching the stuff that your child wants to watch with them, and being able to laugh at it and talk about it is an important way to connect and discuss subjects that would otherwise be taboo. But tread lightly and use humour. It still may be embarrassing for your child to talk about more grown up topics.

Don’t be afraid to start conversations about illicit substances and personal relationships

According to recent research, the unfortunate reality is that our kids are being exposed to a variety of media (including music) that references drugs and alcohol use as early as nine or ten. Sexual development is also big part of this age, so these are key years for your family to be building a strong foundation and giving them developmentally appropriate information.  

Our tweens are going to be exposed to this stuff through their peer group. You want to be the one that provides them with information that is accurate. You want to do it in a way that isn’t overwhelming and fits in with your family's values and beliefs.

Encourage sports for girls

Girls’ self-esteem peaks at the tender age of 9 and then drops off from there, but research shows girls who play on teams have higher self-esteem. Girls on sports teams also tend to do better academically and have fewer body image issues.

There’s a very common correlation between girls who play team sports and girls who suffer less with low self-esteem because they are looking within and to other girls for their value, as opposed to looking to boys for validation.

Nurture your boy’s emotional side

One of the really hard things for boys at this age is that the messages from the culture about their capacity for love, real friendships, and relationships are so harmful to them. 

Friends are becoming more important than family. It’s natural and normal for your son to want to spend more time with his friends — and the best and easiest way for you to keep tabs on your son’s well-being is to welcome his friends. Say yes when he asks if they can come over, as often as possible. Make your home boy-friendly. (That may mean tolerating the sound of a Nerf basketball being slammed through an indoor hoop again and again and again, or three boys crowding around one computer to watch a YouTuber play a video game!)

Finding just the right balance with your tween probably won’t be the easiest parenting job you’ve ever had. It will take some trial and error, but keeping the channels of communication open during these years is well worth the work you’ll have to put in. Learn about social networking too, because it will soon play a major role in your son’s life. Snapchat and Instagram are how kids stay in touch these days; it’s the modern equivalent of spending time on the phone with a friend after school. 

If you develop trust with pre-teens you can offer them a safe place to come back to no matter what happens in the new world they’re inhabiting, and in doing that you’ll also be setting the stage for a smoother adolescence.