As parents, we worry about having all the right answers. But I think it’s better to focus on asking the right questions.

The right question at the right time can change the course of a life, can calm a turbulent situation, and can provide a totally different perspective.

Here are 13 questions that have challenged and helped me the most every day. These 13 questions are from some of the wisest philosophers, most incisive thinkers, and greatest parents who ever lived.

I’m not saying I know the answer to any of them, but I can say there is value in letting them challenge you. Certainly, they have challenged me and continue to challenge me...

Start now by asking:

Will I Be An Ancestor or A Ghost?

Will you be a ghost or an ancestor to your children? Will you be the kind of example they need? Will you leave the kind of legacy that will guide them? That will inspire them to be decent and disciplined, great and good. Or will you haunt them with your mistakes, the pain you inflicted on them, and the things left unsaid or unresolved?

Of course, we all know which of those two we want to be. It’s why, wordlessly, when we hold our children, we promise to do better, try harder, and not repeat the mistakes we endured growing up. Because we want to be an ancestor — someone who guides and inspires them.

Am I Cherishing The Garbage Time?

We save and plan for elaborate vacations. We anticipate for months and months. And when it inevitably isn’t as special, elaborate, or photo-worthy as we’d hoped, we feel awful, like we’re not enough, like we haven’t done enough.

Special days? Nah. Every day, every minute, can be special. All time with your children — all time with anyone you love — is created equal. Eating cereal together can be wonderful. Taking time off for a fun day together can be wonderful — but so can the twenty-minute drive in traffic to school. So can taking out the garbage or waiting in the McDonald’s drive-through.

In my pocket, I carry a medallion that says Tempus Fugit (”time flies”) on the front and “all time is quality time” on the back, so I’m constantly reminding myself to cherish the “garbage time.” Because it’s the best kind of time there is.

Am I Doing What I Want Them To Do?

You have to be the kind of human being you want your children to be. You have to do the things you want your kids to do.

I want my children to be readers, so I make sure they see me reading. I want them to explore different hobbies and interests, so I make sure they see me practising an instrument or tinkering in a sketchbook. I want them to treat others with respect and kindness, so I make sure they see me giving their mother something I made for her.

Who you are forms who they will be. So be who you want them to be. Do what you want them to do. It’s hard, but it’s the only way.

Does This Really Matter?

Your child wants to go swimming, but you have to make this phone call. Your children want to wrestle, but you have to cook dinner. Your children want you to come to tuck them in, but it’s a tie game with forty-two seconds left in regulation.

We pick these things because they’re urgent. Because they’ll only take a second. But mostly, we pick them because we can get away with it.

If something seemingly more urgent or out-of-control were to intervene, you would push the phone call. If you were stuck in traffic, you would order delivery. If the boss called and needed something, you would find out later who won the game. Yet here you are, telling your child (and their earnest request to spend time with you) that they are not as important.

Most of whatever we’re doing can wait. Not indefinitely, of course. No one is telling you to put it off forever. But this moment right now, you won’t get back. Take it. Play. Sit with them. Talk with them. Pause the TV. Save the draft and come back to it. Let dinner get cold. Tell the caller you’ll have to call them back.

Your children are more important than any and all of that stuff.

Am I Setting Them Up To Thrive?

Environment is everything. The right supporting cast is everything. Timing is everything. We have to be patient. We have to be flexible. We have to not despair when things don’t immediately click. When things aren’t working, we need to invest more - time, patience, attention, support, whatever it takes.

Am I Making Deposits or Debts?

Here’s a quote from Charles R. Swindoll: “Each day of our lives, we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.”

Deposits are made when we love them, when we support them and when we protect them. Being there, helping them, nurturing them, cheering for them, giving them space to make mistakes and grow — this is how we fund that account.

But we also have to understand that we make debts our children will have to pay. When we lose our temper, fight with their mother or father, and forget about what matters, these things linger and can haunt them for years and years into the future. Remember, so much of what we get angry about is not only not more important to us than our children or our marriages...it’s not important at all.

What Are They Really Trying To Say?

The primary language of children is ... Not words. This is for one simple, undeniable reason: they often don’t have the words yet.

This is why we need to ‘listen’ to our children in more ways than just the obvious, literal way. We have to watch them. We have to be patient. We have to understand that a tantrum — even if it’s screaming about the iPad — is almost certainly about something else. We have to understand that lethargy or sliding grades are statements. So is wanting to dye their hair, so is getting arrested. It’s your child speaking to you through behaviour. They’re telling you they are unsettled. They are telling you they are stressed. They are telling you they don’t feel secure, that they need something, that they need someone, even if they are saying the opposite of those things.

The question is: Will you hear them? Will you be able to talk to them about it? Not just with your words but with your own actions.

What Am I Measuring?

The driven parent often drives their children — to get good grades, to win games, to be the strongest, prettiest, or most popular. They want to continue their pattern of excellence down through the college their kids go to or the profession they work in.

Instead of asking your kids, “How are your grades?” “Did you win?” “Are you number one in your class?” Ask, “Did you do your best? How do you feel about it?"

This is an essential perspective shift: “How to navigate a life through how it feels to you, as opposed to how it looks to everyone else.”

What really matters? Not school. Not grades. What matters is what your kids learn about the world through these things, the priorities they pick up and the values they absorb. So that’s the question: Are you teaching them that test scores matter or that learning counts? Are you teaching them that success is winning arbitrary competitions or that it is becoming the best version of themselves?

Results don’t matter, not the obvious ones anyway. What counts is the person you are shaping them to be. What counts is who they are shaping themselves into.

How Can I Use This?

It’s an essential fact of parenthood: everything that happens is an opportunity to teach your children.

The question is, will we seize that chance? Will you take advantage of that opportunity? And are you paying close enough attention on a regular basis to notice when these opportunities arise?

The mistake your daughter made. The knock on the door at 2 am from a police officer bringing your son home, having caught him getting into trouble. The failed math test. A room they forgot to clean again. That nasty remark you heard them make. None of it seems good, but there is something teachable inside each one of those things.

It might not be obvious and won’t be easy, but you must find it.

What If I Took A Walk?

Seneca said that “delay is the greatest remedy for anger.” That’s the truth.

And there is no better way to delay than by taking a walk. Because a walk is the best way to let your mind clear, to make sure you don’t do something you will later regret. Anger is an exaggerator. It magnifies the worst in every situation. Anger is an exacerbator too. It takes a bad situation and makes it worse with the overreaction it produces in us.

Taking a walk makes sure that doesn’t happen, that anger doesn’t win. The next time you’re angry, take a walk and see if you can get yourself that wound up again. It’s next to impossible.

No one is saying you can’t respond at all. You probably will have to address whatever has made your blood boil. You will have to say something. But wait a minute. Take a walk and think about the best way to respond. Make it a teachable moment. Teach them that it’s possible to control how you react.

Am I Being A Fan?

Jim Valvano wasn’t yet out of high school when he told his dad he had decided what he wanted to do for the rest of his life. He wasn’t just going to be a collegiate basketball coach; he told him: “Dad, I’m going to win a national championship.”

A few days after Jim told his dad about his dream, his dad called him into his bedroom. “See that suitcase?” his father asked, pointing to the luggage in the corner.

“I’m packed,” his dad explained. “When you play and win that national championship, I’m going to be there. My bags are already packed.”

“My father,” Jim would later say in his legendary ESPY speech, “gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person: he believed in me.”

Have you given this gift to your children? Our job is to spur our children to conceive of big dreams, to encourage them to go after them, and to give them the greatest gift anyone can give another person: belief. If you don’t believe in them, who will? If you aren’t their biggest fan, who will be?

Will I Have A Crowded Table?

It’s helpful to sit back and really think about what parental success looks like. First, it’s having healthy kids who survive to adulthood — that’s obvious.

But the second is, having kids whom you get to see, whom you have a good relationship with, whom you want to spend time with . . . for the rest of your days.

If you want a garden, the song reminds us, you’re going to have to sow the seed.

And if you want a crowded table, you’ll need to make the right decisions now so they’ll

want to travel from their homes to yours when they’re older and have families of their own. You’ll have to plant a little happiness and give a little love if that’s what you want to reap.

You’ll need to set the table today to have the one you’ll want tomorrow.

Ask Them This Question Every Day

Those are 12 questions for you. But here’s a question to ask them every day, one I try to ask my son when I pick him up from school each afternoon

What did you do that was kind today?

Instead of asking your kids if they behaved well, performed well, or even had fun, check in with them about whether they did something kind.

Ask them every day, What good turn did you do today? What was something you did for someone else? Who did you help?

Think of the message this sends. Think of how it makes them think about their own day — to review their own actions through the lens of empathy, how their actions affect others. Think of the priorities it sets through your monitoring – that their parents are on top of not how many answers they got right but how many right things they did. Think about how much better the world would be if everyone thought this way, and if everyone was raised this way.

The above is a summary of an article by Ryan Holiday.

One of his recent books is Discipline is Destiny:

Humour