Wellbeing Corner
Help teenagers have respectful relationships
Positive and respectful relationships are a very important part of growing up, and they will lead your child to having a deeper capacity for caring, empathy and communication. Your support is vital to them being able to understand what a respectful relationship looks like, and how to create one. The most influential people in a teenager's life are the adults around them. The single most important thing you can do is to be a positive role model by having respectful relationships with the friends and family that you yourself care about. Reflect on the principles outlined below and think about how they can be applied in your own relationships - with other adults, and with your child.
What does a respectful relationship look like?
- Communication. It is never assumed that our partner knows what we are feeling or thinking, or that we know what is in their head. The only effective way to know and to be understood is to talk often, talk calmly, and talk openly.
- Consent. Anything that happens in regard to the relationship happens with the active agreement of both people involved. This includes things like sex, discussing private matters with others and major decisions that affect the other partner.
- Recognising the effects of our actions. We think about the effects of our actions and choices on our partner. Will it cause someone to be hurt or create conflict?
- Respect. We are always respectful of each other’s feelings and choices. If we’re not sure how someone feels, we ask, we don’t assume. If we truly care about someone, we would want to see them happy and supported in the choices they make about themselves and their lives.
How to talk to your teenager about respectful relationships ...
Having conversations about relationships, communication and sex from a young age makes it possible for your child to feel comfortable talking with you about their feelings and relationships in their adolescence.
- Encourage conversations about feelings, friendships and family relationships. This will help them understand and look for important qualities in relationships.
- Practice active listening. Listen to what your teenager says and ask them open questions (“What are you feeling about him?”). Repeat back some of what you have heard or what you think they mean, to check you understand.
- If they want your opinion don’t tell them what you want them to do, tell them how you see the situation. For example, say “It sounds to me like you really like this person, but they don’t listen to you very much".
Important topics for your child to talk about ...
There is a lot of information here that is worth talking about, and you won’t do it all in one conversation. Talking often with your child means you can explore these ideas one at a time, and maintain a communicative relationship with your teenager.
Being clear about what you want ...
Many people are afraid to talk with their partner or love interest about their relationship. They are afraid that they will disagree about what they want or feel and they will lose the relationship. But being able to talk about a relationship is the single most important factor in whether it is a good relationship. Topics that should be talked about include sex (consent), having feelings towards other people, how exclusive the relationship is and respectful boundaries:
- Talk about what you expect a relationship to be like.
- Talk about what is or isn’t OK for each of you.
- Talk about what the relationship should involve.
- Talk about the importance of consent.
- Check-in whenever feelings change or something new comes up that you haven’t talked about.
Jealousy ... is not an emotion really, it’s a label for a lot of other unpleasant feelings - like insecurity, fear of abandonment, feeling left out or not good enough, or worry that our partner doesn’t love us or isn’t attracted to us. We feel so bad we want to blame someone else or their actions.
- Use jealousy as a signpost to what you are really feeling. Try to describe it. Talk about this with your partner.
- Talking about our feelings is awkward but it makes us feel better and makes it possible to work out our problems.
- Jealousy is never an excuse for people to be mean, hurtful, abusive or controlling.
Sex and sexuality ...
Not all teenagers do, but most teenagers experiment with sexual behaviour at some stage. Giving them clear information on safe sex, consent, contraception and sexually transmitted infections means they are equipped to be safe. Plus, having this conversation early and more than once, means you can also talk about unwanted sexual behaviour and peer pressure.
Puberty is also when some teenagers begin to feel attracted to members of the same-sex or many feel attractions to more than one sex.
Help your teenager develop boundaries ...
Good boundaries are essential to healthy and respectful relationships. By knowing how to help your teenager set good relationship boundaries with romantic partners you can equip them to have healthy and safe relationships. Plus, they will feel comfortable talking with you about their relationship.
Talking about good boundaries ...
Knowing what boundaries are, knowing where your boundaries lie and being able to communicate boundaries to a partner - these are the essential principles that will equip your teenager to have safe romantic and sexual relationships. You can help by talking about romantic relationship boundaries with your teenager, and by being a good role model. Teenagers subconsciously look to adults for models on how to behave in relationships. By modelling what you talk about, you will help them.
Boundaries for teenage relationships ...
Ask your teenager to think about what they are comfortable with in a romantic relationship. Not just in terms of sex, but also in terms of how independent they want to be, displays of affection, what they would want to share with a partner. Give them some examples.
- When to say ‘I love you’ - It is ok not to feel that way straight away. However they feel, they should be open about it.
- Time with friends - Your teenager (and their partner) should feel able to hang out with friends and people of the same or opposite sex without having to ask permission.
- Time without each other - Your teenager should be able to tell their romantic partner when they need to do things on their own and not feel trapped into spending all of their time together.
- Digital and social boundaries - Is it okay for their partner to "friend" or "follow" their friends on social media? Is it okay to use each other’s devices? Is it okay to post about their relationship? Because social media is public, these are some boundaries your teenager should talk about.
Point out that the only way they will know what their own boundaries are and what their partner is or isn’t comfortable with is by asking and talking. Good relationships come from good communication. Practice some questions they might ask.
Boundaries around sex in a relationship ...
Sex is something your teenager will probably want to try at some point. Help your teenager prepare for conversations about sexual boundaries by talking about some of these topics.
- Setting sexual boundaries. Tell your teenager that it is important to talk about sex with their partner, what they do and do not want to do, and how that changes over time. Reiterate that they have the right to decide when (and whether) they will have sex and what sex acts they are comfortable with.
- Consent. Talk about consent, and the importance of both people feeling safe and being in full agreement about sex acts. Emphasise to your child that it’s ok to change your mind, even during sex.
- Sex isn’t currency. For example, saying ‘I love you’ or giving gifts does not obligate them to have sex or do anything in response.
- How will they know when they are ready? Encourage them to ask themselves questions like why do they want to have sex, do they feel safe, are they more anxious than excited, do they feel pressured? This will help them know if they are ready.
- Safe sex. Make sure your child knows about safe sex, contraception and sexually transmitted infections. Encourage them to talk to their partner about how they will protect themselves if they are considering sex.
Managing difficulties in a relationship ...
Every relationship has some difficulties and boundaries get crossed sometimes. We don’t always know where the line is until we cross it. Some advice you can provide:
- Recognise the real source of conflict. This is the first step - because it is often not what you are arguing about. Encourage them to think about how they feel when they are arguing, to help find out what is really wrong.
- Talk. Your partner can’t know what is wrong if you don’t tell them. Encourage them to stay calm and collected and lay out what is bothering them. Suggest they don’t try and talk about it when one of them is angry.
Share the Youth Fact Sheet Tips For Communicating(available via the link at end of this article). - Compromise. A healthy relationship is a balance between the needs of all people involved. Encourage them to chat and figure out what is important to each of them, and what they can let go of if they need to.
Conflict and unhealthy relationships ...
Not every relationship is a good one and sometimes people don’t respect boundaries, no matter how well they are communicated. Talk about the non-negotiable things that they should never put up with. These should include:
- Making them feel disrespected
- Not being open and honest
- Disregarding what is important to them
- Verbal and emotional abuse
- Physical violence and abuse
- Controlling what they do and whom they see
Stress to your child that if a person is crossing these non-negotiable boundaries something needs to change and you can help if they need it. Having no relationship is better than having a bad relationship. If they can’t work through problems without these things happening, they should end it.
If you are worried that your child is in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, ask your child to call 1800RESPECT to ask for advice from an expert.
Read the Youth Fact Sheet Signs of an Abusive Relationship for more information