Middle Years: On Good Friendships 

The bonds we form with others play a vital role in our social, emotional and physical well-being. Acquiring the skills to develop, maintain and manage interpersonal relationships empowers us in the construction of a network of support that offers resilience in the face of life's trials. Developing skills as a mindful relationship manager is an important part of the Wellbeing Program at Year 7 and 8, and an important skill for students as they individuate through the period of adolescence. But to build skill requires an understanding of what it is we want to craft. And so, we spent some time exploring a conceptual understanding of good – and bad – friendships in a Middle Years Assembly last week. 

I am a Philosophy teacher and so when I want advice or an understanding of the great things in life, I turn to the classics and, in this case, Aristotle. Humans are social creatures, Aristotle said. We are predisposed to connection. Aristotle wrote extensively on the nature and value of friendship in his famous book, The Nicomachean Ethics. Friendship was, for Aristotle, an expression of our human nature; it was one of the finest things in life; and it was a necessary component in a life well lived. In the Assembly, we discussed Aristotle’s definition of friendship: 

“It is those who desire the good of their friends for the friends’ sake that are most truly friends, because each loves the other for what (they are), and not for any incidental quality. Each party… is good absolutely and useful to each other. Similarly, they please one another, too…” 

Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethics, Book VIII, Ch. 3

This definition provided us with the opportunity to examine what makes a beneficial friendship. Firstly, a worthy friendship is based in the genuine good for both parties and as an expression of the goodness of each participant. A true friendship is not one based on any incidental quality that the participants have, but the enduring qualities which are inherent in the noble character of each. Aristotle says that a true friendship is advantageous to its members and that each will undoubtedly enjoy the company of the other. It is goodness which is the necessary ingredient for a true friendship. 

Aristotle accepts that there are other relationships in our lives that can be based on pleasure – the feeling of joy and satisfaction of being together – which might be the goal of that relationship, but that this is not a true friendship. Students might, for instance, enjoy the company of someone they may not usually associate with while engaged in a sporting activity each week. They have fun and play and take pleasure in the shared experience, but don’t associate with each other because of the enduring, good character of each. Similarly, Aristotle accepted that there are relationships in which we engage that are based in utility – what each party gains from the relationship. This is a common relationship in a school setting. For example, students are often grouped with other students they may not associate with in a class to work on a project together. The pairing can be productive and goal-oriented to the academic outcome required, and that is fine for the duration of the project. There is nothing inherently wrong with relationships based in pleasure and utility, they are just not true friendships, and it is important to understand this. True friendship uses goodness, good character and good ends, to unify and provide deeper meaning to the pleasure and utility of relationships. It is uncommon, then. It’s not rare because we should have and need a variety of people in our lives to satisfy our needs. But it is not common either, as Aristotle would say because goodness is not common. It takes effort and engagement and wisdom. A true friendship is thus valuable, reciprocal, useful, including but beyond mere utility, and pleasurable. Such a friendships takes deliberate effort on behalf of both parties to craft, but it also takes the deliberate effort of both parties to craft themselves into the best version of themselves. 

Our teachers are very aware of the social contexts at school and in their classrooms, and often create novel pairings and groups in classes to build the social capacity and connection with other students. This is deliberate because we know, thanks to Aristotle, that true, good and rewarding friendships can arise from a range of contexts. They might come from outside the usual circle of associates – from a circle of ‘peers’, of acquaintances rather than the usual circle one associates with. We understand, too, that relationships that might be focused towards either pleasure or utility (or both at the same time) but that they can develop into something in which the participants come to see and understand the goodness of the other involved and in which they have opportunity to demonstrate the goodness of their own shining character. And, thus, something which is good in itself and for itself is kindled. 

Understanding the nature of friendships, how they reflect our own character and how they enhance our individuality is an important part of the Wellbeing Program. It is a crucial conceptual basis from which students can then understand what makes a good, rewarding and valuable friendship and what makes its opposite: a bad friendship. Note that I don’t say ‘enemy’ here, but a bad friendship – a pseudo-friendship which is based not on goodness but, often, on power or control or ‘drama’. 

But that’s another article for another time…!  

Tristan Hill

Middle Years 7/8 Coordinator