Compassion, Kindness and Understanding

One of the most misunderstood and commonly used words when discussing challenging behaviours in schools is bullying. It is not easy for children to understand the difference between a deliberate act and an accidental one.

When speaking about bullying, it is very important for students and parents to understand what is not bullying. Many times, a single act or behaviour is out of proportion, but it is not considered bullying. Some people think that bullying is any aggressive behaviour, and although such behaviours are concerning, completely inappropriate and require immediate attention, it is important to separate them from bullying. 

This may help you to identify whether a behaviour is bullying:

If someone says or does something that is unintentionally hurtful (this means they didn't do it on purpose), this is disrespectful and impolite.

If someone says or does something intentionally hurtful (this means they did do it on purpose), this is mean.

If someone says or does something intentionally hurtful and they keep doing it over a long period of time (even when you ask them to stop or tell them that the behaviour upsets you), this is bullying.

Widely recognised international Parenting and Happiness Coach Ronit Baras has guided parents and children on their search for passion, purpose and happiness for over 30 years and writes an interesting blog on various challenges for students and parents. She outlines some common misconceptions about bullying:

Not liking someone – It is very natural that people do not like everyone around them and, as unpleasant as it may be to know someone does not like you, verbal and non-verbal messages of “I don’t like you” are not acts of bullying.

Being excluded – Again, it is very natural for people to gather around a group of friends, and we cannot be friends with everyone, so it is acceptable that when children have a party or play a game at the playground, they will include their friends and exclude others. It is very important to remind children they do the same thing sometimes too, and, although exclusion is unpleasant, it is not an act of bullying.

Accidentally bumping into someone – When people bump into others, the reaction depends mostly on the bumped person’s mood. If they have had a bad day, they think it was an act of aggressive behaviour, but if they are in a good mood, they smile back and attract an apology. This is also relevant for playing sports, like when children throwing the ball at each other hit someone on the head or accidentally hit them with their feet or hands when playing a game. It is very important for adults to explain that some accidents happen without any bad intention, and it is important not to create a big conflict because it was not an act of bullying.

Making other students play games a certain way – Again, this is a very natural behaviour. Wanting things to be done our way is normal and is not an act of bullying. To make sure children do not fall into considering it as an aggressive or “bossy” behaviour, we need to teach them assertiveness. Again, although it is not fun or pleasant, this is not bullying.

Arguments – Arguments are heated disagreements between two (or more) people (or groups). It is natural that people have different interests and disagree on many things. Think about it, most of us have disagreements with ourselves, so it is very understandable to have disagreements with others. The argument itself is not a form of bullying, although some people turn arguments into bullying because they want to win the argument so much. They use every means to get what they want and find a weakness in the other person, abuse knowledge or trust they have gained and use it against the other person. It is very important to distinguish between natural disagreements and bullying during an argument.

Expression of unpleasant thoughts or feelings regarding others – Again, communication requires at least two players. Although it may be unpleasant to hear what someone thinks about you, it is not a form of bullying but a very natural occurrence. In every communication, there are disagreements and some form of judgment about each other’s attitude and behaviour. If someone says to you, “I think this was not a nice gesture” or “You insulted me when you said this”, this is NOT bullying but an expression of thoughts and feelings.

Isolated acts of harassment, aggressive behaviour, intimidation, or meanness – The definition of bullying states that there is repetition in the behaviour. Bullying is a conscious, repeated, hostile, aggressive behaviour of an individual or a group exploiting their position with the intention to harm others or gain real or perceived power. Therefore, anything that happens once is not an act of bullying. As a parent, it is important that you pay attention to what your children are telling you and find out if things are happening more than once.

Within our wellbeing framework, Care@ Clayfield, the newly launched eiPulse program, gives students from Years 4 to 12 a platform to share their wellbeing challenges. The data (which is organised under the headings of Healthy, Valued and Safe, Participating, Learning, Material Basics, Positive sense of Identity and Culture) gathered from this program is shared with Heads of Year in Secondary and Core teachers in Primary; providing an evidence-based approach to the material taught in Well Being and Foundations, Year Level Meetings and Personal Development lessons. Our aim is to always build a positive community, and therefore encouraging compassion, kindness and helping our students identify their feelings and experiences is a very important thread in our personal development and wellbeing lessons.