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Parenting Ideas article:  Why Dads Matter

Father’s Day can be a tricky occasion for some families, especially for those who don’t have a father who is present in their life because of family breakdown, or a geographical distance which may not allow them to be close by. There are also those of us who have lost a father, or who are being raised by single mums who are both mum and dad to their kids. This too can impact how our kids view ‘dad’ and what he means to them. Other family structures exist where dad is not present either, and this can complicate Father’s Day further. 

The reality is that dads, when present and safe, take different shapes and forms. And research shows that kids thrive when dad is that positive, safe presence in their lives. 

Over the past few decades, research has shown us that dads (and other male role models like teachers, coaches, church leaders, uncles, grandpas, and more) matter. Enormously. Their positive impact cannot be understated or waved away. And research also tells us that dads (and those other male role models) are stepping up and presenting that positive and active presence in their children’s lives. 

Why do dads matter? 

Having involved fathers, however they might look to you and your family, has a lasting effect on their children’s lives, for the better. 

Firstly, dads engagement can help kids achieve better results at school, help increase their self-esteem and even reduce the risk of delinquency, substance abuse and other high-risk behaviours in kids. Known as the ‘father effect’ – this umbrella term describes these and the many other benefits of a paternal presence, a presence who values and prioritises quality time. 

Secondly, these dads matter because their influence, attention, nurturing, and affection help promote children’s social and emotional development. They set up a healthy relationship with their children, allow for emotional growth and help develop positive health and wellbeing. And they provide a model of healthy masculinity for their kids; the kind of masculinity that helps those around them feel safer and stronger. 

Third, there is a sense of acceptance and security that fathers can help provide which not only help our kids in the short term but continues as they move into adulthood as well. This protective presence can come from both parents but seems particularly present with actively and positively engaged fathers. 

Fourth, engaged fathers matter because they can also help our kids develop important life skills including respect, problem solving, empathy and social skills. They teach them about limits, consent, and responsibility. Researchers aren’t quite sure why or how, but these things seem to develop differently when dads are present versus when they’re not.

What does an engaged dad look like? 

In TV talk, an engaged dad looks like everyone’s favourite blue heeler dad, Bandit from Bluey. If you’ve watched the show, you’ll have seen that Bandit isn’t perfect. He can be dismissive now and then. He can say things that are challenging. But despite his imperfections (which we all have), Bandit listens to his children – their thoughts, their concerns, their dreams and their ideas. He encourages them, he challenges them, he shows an interest in them. 

And Bandit talks to his children – he makes jokes, he reads books, he tells them about his day, he involves them in other parts of his life. He is verbally expressive with clear communication but without being controlling or belittling. 

Bandit plays with his children – he kicks the footy in the backyard, or feeds the baby doll a bottle; he helps put together Lego or find the missing piece of a puzzle. He supports their interests, imagination, and growth. He helps set limits and boundaries and regulate emotions. 

Bandit also supports his children – emotionally he helps navigate their problems or worries with them, he doesn’t dismiss them. Rather he guides them to solve problems or cope with disappointment themselves. He supports them physically– he watches their sports matches, or dancing recitals; he is their biggest supporter. 

Bandit is a positive role model – he demonstrates values that he wishes to instil within his own child/ren. He is honest and shows integrity. But he’s not perfect. He makes mistakes – because he is human and when he does, he will own them and will say sorry. 

He grows alongside his kids – as his children get older and mature, his relationship with them evolves with it. They learn about each other and grow and feel confident and secure in their relationship together. He values self-care – he has time for himself and ensures his own wellbeing and health is prioritised too because without this, he can’t be his best self.

All dads are different but equally important 

These qualities of an engaged dad aren’t a checklist that dads need to tick off. Every dad will be different and that is okay. What’s important is that dads are there for their kids and want to grow with them. That’s what life is. Growth. That is what our kids will notice the most and how they will know you matter… because you do!

Article written by Shona Hendley

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Raising Children - Self-regulation 

From: raisingchildren.net.au, a site that provides ad-free parenting videos, articles and apps backed by Australian experts. Please refer to this site for further information about helping your child learn how to regulate their emotions.

Self-regulation helps children learn, behave well, get along with others and become independent.

Here are some practical ways you can help your child learn and practise self-regulation:

• Work on your child’s skills for understanding and managing emotions. 
• Use calming down strategies for toddlers, calming down steps for preschoolers and school-age children and calming down steps for pre-teens and teenagers.
• Plan for challenging situations where it might be hard for younger children to behave well. For example, ‘The shop we’re going to has lots of things that can break. It’s OK to look, but please don’t touch’. Give your child a gentle reminder as you enter the shop. For example, ‘Remember – just looking, OK?’
• Involve pre-teens and teenagers in problem-solving and negotiating difficult situations. For example, ‘I'm working all weekend, so I know it’ll be boring for you. Let’s figure out how you can make the most of the time’.
• Praise your child when they show self-regulation and manage a tricky situation. For example, ‘You were great at waiting for your turn’, or ‘I liked the way that you shared with Sam when he asked’.
• Try to model self-regulation for your child. For example, ‘I’d really like to keep gardening, but if I don’t clean up now I won’t get you to soccer on time’. Or ‘Let me write that on the calendar so I don’t forget’. 

Problems with self-regulation

From time to time, different things can affect your child’s ability to self-regulate eg tiredness, illness and changes to your child’s routine. Also, some children have great self-regulation at child care, school or sport, but find it hard at home. Other children struggle in busy, noisy places like shopping centres. And as children get older, self-regulation might be challenging if they have a lot of assessment tasks or relationship difficulties.

Although these problems with self-regulation are fairly typical, it’s a good idea to speak with a professional if you’re worried about your child’s behaviour or you’re having trouble with your child’s behaviour as they get older. You could talk to your GPor your child’s teacher.

Consider seeking professional help if your child:

• seems to have more tantrums or difficult behaviour than other children of the same age
• is behaving in difficult or out-of-control ways more often as they get older
• is behaving in ways that are dangerous for themselves or others
• is difficult to discipline and your strategies for encouraging positive behaviour don’t seem to be working
• is very withdrawn and has a lot of trouble interacting with others
• doesn’t seem to have as many communication and social skills as other children of the same age.