Parenting Tips:

Anxiety in Children

Anxiety in Children

Anxiety is part of our survival instinct. When we’re faced with a threatening situation, our brains and bodies respond by kicking into safety mode. Our adrenalin starts pumping, helping us get ready to escape the danger.

However some people, including children, react more quickly or intensely to situations they find threatening, or find it harder to get their anxious feelings under control. Some kids also perceive the world to be scarier or more dangerous than others. 

What is ‘normal’ anxiety in kids?

Fearful and anxious behaviour is common in children – especially as they come across new situations and experiences. Most children learn to cope with different fears and worries.

However, they may need some extra support when:

• they feel anxious more than other children of a similar age
• anxiety stops them participating in activities at school or socially
• anxiety interferes with their ability to do things that other children their age can do
• their fears and worries seem out of proportion to the issues in their life.

How anxiety affects children

As well as affecting how kids feel, anxiety can have an effect on their thinking. They perceive the fear or danger they’re worried about to be much greater than it actually is. Thinking about the situation makes them more worried and tense.

Kids experiencing anxiety may come up with their own strategies to try and manage distressing situations. This often involves trying to avoid the situation or having a parent or other adult deal with it for them.

While this works in the short term, avoiding the fearful situation makes it more likely that they’ll feel anxious and be unable to manage it next time. As a result, they can find it harder to cope with everyday stresses at home, school and in social settings.

Anxiety can also result in physical symptoms such as sleeplessness, diarrhoea, stomach aches and headaches (sometimes referred to as somatic complaints). Other symptoms may include irritability, difficulty concentrating and tiredness.

What to look for 

A child with anxiety difficulties may...

seek reassurance often

avoid situations they feel worried or scared about

try to get others to do the things they are worried about

tell you they have physical pains

dislike taking risks or trying new things

have lots of fears

get upset easily

have lots of worries

You may notice your child...

• clings to you
• asks for help with things they can do for themselves
• doesn’t want to get ready for school
• won’t go to sleep without a parent or other adult
• asks, “will you do it for me?” or “will you tell them for me?” a lot
• often complains of stomach pains or headaches
• worries a lot about doing things right
• prefers to watch others rather than have a go
• is scared of the dark, dogs, injections, being alone, germs, tests
• often cries over small things
• complains about being picked on a lot
• always sees the dangerous or negative side of things

Types of anxiety

The six most common anxiety disorders in primary school-aged children are: 

Phobia

Social phobia

Generalised anxiety disorder

Post-traumatic stress disorder

Obsessive compulsive disorder

Separation anxiety disorder

What you can do to help

Children with anxiety difficulties tend to lack confidence in their abilities and feel overwhelmed easily. They are also driven to avoid the things that cause them anxiety, and in doing so, don’t get the chance to learn that what they fear will usually not happen. You can help by working on coping and problem-solving skills together. 

Strategies to support anxious children

When kids have anxious thoughts or feelings, a common response from the adults in their lives is to step in and solve the problem.

If they’re terrified of dogs, it’s pretty reasonable to keep them away from the pitbull next door….right?  Well, not really. By helping children avoid scary situations, you’re reinforcing and fuelling their anxiety. They’re also missing out on opportunities to develop coping skills and prove to themselves they can deal with the anxious thought or feeling next time it comes up.

The best thing you can do for your child is to help them learn how to cope with anxiety.

Ten Strategies to Try

1. Start by slowing down

Encourage your child to take some slow, deep breaths to calm the physical effects of anxiety. Practice together by breathing in for three seconds, holding for three seconds, then out for three. Once they're feeling a bit calmer, you can talk through what's worrying them.

2. Make time to worry

Setting aside some designated time to deal with worries can stop anxious thoughts from taking over. Try creating a daily ritual called ‘worry time’, and encourage children to draw or write down whatever’s bothering them. You can make the activity a bit more fun by decorating a ‘worry box’ or building a ‘worry wall’ out of post-its. When the time is up – after 10 to 15 minutes – shut the worries up in the box or tear them off the wall and say goodbye to them for the day.

3. Climb that ladder

Instead of skirting the scary situation, you could try a technique called ‘laddering’ – breaking down worries into manageable chunks and gradually working towards a goal.

Let’s say your child is afraid of water and swimming. Instead of avoiding the pool, create some mini-goals to build their confidence. Start out by just sitting and watching other kids swimming. As they feel more comfortable get them to try dangling their legs in the water, then standing in the shallow end, and so on.

4. Encourage positive thinking

Kids with anxiety often get stuck on the worst-case scenario or 'what ifs' in any situation. You can help them shift these thinking patterns by:

• reminding them of times they've dealt with similar issues in the past and how things worked out OK
• helping them to challenge the scary thought with facts and evidence. For example, we know that crocodiles can't survive under our bed
• make a plan for how they'll respond if things don't go as they'd like.

5. Have a go

Anxious kids often worry about making mistakes or not having things perfect. This can lead to them avoiding situations or activities – they’d rather sit out than get it wrong. Emphasise giving new things a try and having fun over whether something’s a success or failure.

6. Model helpful coping

Don’t just tell your child how to overcome emotions – show them. When you get anxious or stressed, verbalise how you’re coping with the situation: “This looks a bit scary, but I’ll give it a go.” And hey, you might even knock off one of your own fears.

7. Help your child take charge

Think about what you can do to make your child feel like they have some control over the scary situation. For example, if your child gets anxious about intruders, make shutting and locking their bedroom window part of their night-time responsibilities.

8. Be upfront about scary stuff

Lots of kids have worries about death, war, terrorism or things they see on the news. This is all really normal. Talk through their fears and answer any questions truthfully. Don’t sugar-coat the facts – try and explain what’s happening in a way that puts their fears in perspective. 

9. Be BRAVE

Check out BRAVE – a free online program to help kids cope with worries and anxiety. There’s a tailored version for younger kids (eight-12), one for teens (12-17) and an accompanying program for parents.