R U OK?

Written by Dr Justin Coulson

I’m not really supposed to say this, but R U OK Day has always sat a little uncomfortably with me. I know we need to show we care – and I’m all for that. I know we need to be willing to have the tough conversations – and I’m all for that.

The trouble for me is twofold: first, asking “are you ok?” doesn’t tend to feel authentic in most casual conversations. This, we can change, by having more meaningful conversations. But second – and importantly – in the unlikely event that someone says “No, I’m actually not doing so well” we tend to be a little unsure of how to respond. This is the case whether we’re talking to a friend or one of our kids.

Our Insights articles are typically about parenting. This article can still apply to parenting, but really, this one’s for everyone who has ever wondered how to ask if someone is ok, or who has felt unsure about how to respond when things aren’t ok.

R U Ok?

Think about how we typically ask someone how things are for them. Common questions might be:

How are you? (Common responses are “not bad”, “fine thanks”, or a sigh followed by “I’m ok”.)
How was your day? (Common responses are “meh”, “mmmm hmm”, or “fine”.)
What’s wrong? (Common responses are “nothing” or a big gush of emotions.)

Let’s consider a couple of important factors:

What have they already told you?
Perhaps their body language is slumped. Maybe they seem to have been crying or are jittery, upset, or even antagonistic.
How’s your timing?
Asking a question about emotions when someone is emotional or tired can trigger responses that aren’t helpful. Sometimes we might even become irritated when we get a one-word answer like “fine”. Timing matters.
Is there an audience?
If others are around, a person will want to “maintain face”. Face needs describe the way we try to look like we have it together so no one judges us. An audience reduces the likelihood that someone will be honest with us.
How have you asked?
We often ask if people are ok because we’ve seen that they’re looking like they’re struggling, but we ask at the wrong time or in front of a crowd… or perhaps we ask the wrong way. A quick “what’s wrong?”, or “how are you” can sometimes give the impression that we’re not interested in the answer.
How is your relationship?
A lesson I’ve learned the hard way is that if I don’t share a strong enough relationship with someone, my questions about how they’re doing won’t go very far. (Face needs play a role here again.) A person has to know – deep in their bones – that you’ve got their back if they’re going to open up.

How to ask the question

There are many ways to find out how someone is. Here are three suggestions:

First, when you see that someone isn’t doing so well, you are away from others, the timing is right, and the relationship is strong, ask “Are you ok?” The question should be asked with eye contact (and a gentle touch – perhaps on the shoulder – if appropriate), compassion, and a clear desire to know more.

Second, you might follow the suggestion above but instead ask “How are you feeling?”. This question opens a dialogue that can also be productive.

Third, say what you see. (This is my preferred option, although it may not always be right.) In this instance, you might say, “It looks like you’re having a really rough time at the moment.” Or you could say, “I might be reading this wrong, but lately I feel like it’s been a struggle for you.” This leads to a more natural “are you ok?”

When they say they’re fine

People often hide how they’re really feeling. They don’t want to look weak or incompetent. Or perhaps they don’t want to be honest – with you or themselves.

A friend recently shared the following with me:

I was on a walk with a few mates. We walk regularly together – at least twice a week. After a walk, Shane came up to me and said, “No one cares about what I’m going through. But I’m falling apart. I just don’t think I can keep doing this. And no one is checking in.

My friend had checked in with Shane that day (and every other day they met) with a standard “how are things, mate?” and Shane had met that question with a smile, a nod, a handshake, and a “yeah, great mate. You?” Now and then, it’s good to pause and say something like, “Ok, that’s the standard answer. But how are things… really? Are you ok?”

Often it’s the second question that makes the difference.

Where to from here?

When someone gives you an indication that they’re struggling – that they’re not really “ok” – you might sometimes get stuck. What do you say?

Clumsy statements like “you’ll be ok” often spill from our lips. We mean well. But this rarely helps. Well-intentioned advice might be our natural response. It’s rare that someone who is not ok actually wants our advice though. This is better saved for later.

Instead, try the following:

Say thanks. “I really appreciate you letting me know.”
Validate. “Things can be really rough sometimes.”
Listen. “I’m here and I’m listening.”
Offer support. “If there were anything at all that I could do, what would it be?” or better yet, “I think I can help. Are you open to…? (and make an offer of support like a meal or a regular catch up)“.

And if someone is in real danger, call Lifeline on 13 11 14.

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