From the Counselling Suite

Lying

In the counselling area, we often hear complaints from parents and teachers about their children and students lying to them. Some parents and teachers are shocked by how easily children seem to be able to lie to their faces. Lying can undermine parents' and teachers’ trust in students so much so that they do not know when to take them seriously. It is important to remember that lying is a normal part of child development though (and so is learning to tell the truth!).

Research indicates that children usually first learn how to lie at around 3 years of age. This is when children realise that the adults around them cannot read their minds so they can say things that aren’t true without others knowing. It is also when children start to feel less dependent on their caregivers (compared to the infant and toddler years). Lying tends to become more frequent (and more convincing – as children may have learned to match their facial expressions and tone of voice to what they are saying) by around 4-6 years of age. Some of this lying in the early years may also be due to children’s difficulties distinguishing between fantasy and reality. Whilst we want to encourage creativity in our children, it is also important to teach children when it is not OK for them to make up stories. Positively, in the early years, once parents ask children to explain their lies, they typically tend to own up.

By the time children are school-age, they may become more sophisticated at lying. Due to developments in their thinking, social skills and language skills, their lies may become more elaborate. According to the Raising Children’s Network, by approximately 8 years of age, children can lie successfully without getting caught. This can, but does not always, mean that children will lie more often around this age. Children are also much more aware of social rules and boundaries by the time they reach school age (hence, why you often see a lot of dobbing at this age). They may want to be thought of as “big kids” so they often try to comply with rules in order to be thought of as more mature by the adults around them. Adolescents typically have a clear understanding of the difference between the truth and lying, as well as the difference between ‘white lies’ and deceit. Unfortunately, lying can become a habit for some adolescents.

Once children are old enough to understand the difference between the truth and lies, it is important to encourage and support them in telling the truth. When dealing with lying, like most other problem behaviours, it is important to try to consider why your child might be lying. In some cases, if you can address the why, or the underlying (sometimes unobvious) issue driving the behaviour, they you may find there is a decrease in the lying. Sometimes it can help by asking yourself, “what need is being met by my child’s lying?” For example, if you think your child is lying for attention, then perhaps having more one on one time with them will lead to a decrease in the lying. Here are some of the reasons children lie:

Mistakes – some children lie without thinking. They may automatically respond to a question with a lie (and then regret it) but it may be too late to backtrack.
To see how you will respond when you hear them lie
Fear – of the consequences of lying – not wanting to get in to trouble. This may particularly be pertinent if the adults in their lives are overly punitive or unreasonable.
To get something they want – for example, they may tell you that they are allowed to eat lollies before dinner.
To get out of doing something they don’t want to do – self-explanatory really – if a child dislikes maths, they might say that they have finished their maths homework when they haven’t to avoid struggling through it and feeling like a failure. Remember that children and adolescents aren’t always the best at thinking about the long-term consequences of their behaviour.
Embarrassment – people may lie because they are ashamed of their actions and do not want to own up to them in front of others due to a fear that they will be judged harshly. Their lying may actually be a manifestation of their shame or remorse.
Image: They may consider their actions as unreflective of their character, so they lie about them or seek to deny their actions as a way of maintaining their identity. They may also lie to make themselves sound better.
For attention: even when they know you know the truth…
Receiving conflicting messages about lying: we may not realise it, but we often give children confusing messages about when it is ok to lie. For example, when an unfamiliar person asks us how we are, it is socially appropriate to tell that person that we are fine or ok, rather than delving in to our problems. Or if a friend asks us how they look on a given day, it may not always be socially appropriate to tell them the exact truth! The acceptability of these “white lies” can sometimes create inconsistency and make it particularly tricky for students who may be more rigid in their thinking or who lack social skills.
To fit in or win peer approval: if others are lying, it might become normalised for some students. They may feel pressure to do the same or to risk being perceived as “uncool” or a “traitor”. They may also think lying to make their stories sound more exciting will make them more popular with peers.
Limits are too strict: When parents or teachers don’t allow their children to gain independence, then they are driven to lie in order to develop normally. For example, parents who won’t let their children date until they are 30 or who demand straight As of their children in order to gain some privilege, may set up a dynamic whereby their children feel trapped – i.e. if they tell the truth, they won’t be able to normal, typical things that adolescents do.

If you are concerned about your child’s mood or behaviour, they may benefit from counselling support. The student counselling service can be contacted via email on counselling@bps.sa.edu.au

Dr Lucinda Clifford

PSYCHOLOGIST