COLLEGE COUNSELLOR 

Family - Routines, Rules and Responsibilities

When relating to teenage children the goal should be to have the vast majority of our interactions with them be positive ones. The rate should be around 80-90% positive interactions. When I talk about establishing routines, rules and responsibilities for your children it is always within this framework of positive loving interactions. Your relationship should never be overly dominated by an insistence on jobs and consequences for failing. These responsibilities are a way of helping your children gain competence and skills in preparation for them eventually leaving the nest. The routines and family traditions are ways of connecting and making regular time with family and making family relationships a priority.

Routines, Rules and Responsibilities

Family traditions, routines and rituals can help you and your child set aside regular dates and special times. For example, you might have a movie night together, a favourite meal or cooking session on a particular night, a family games afternoon or an evening walk together.

Responsibilities

Agreed household responsibilities give kids of all ages the sense that they’re making an important contribution to family life. These could be things like chores, shopping or helping older or younger members of the family. Make sure that the tasks progress as they get older so that there is a real degree of responsibility for their age and maturity. Give them the opportunity to show how able they really are. Praise them for a job well done.

Rules

Limits and consequences give teenagers a sense of security, structure and predictability. Agreed-on rules help your child know what standards apply in your family, and what will happen if they push the boundaries. As they get older children should have more and more input into what the rules and consequences will be. The goal is that by the time they are ready to leave home they should be almost managing themselves completely.

Family Meetings

There will always be problems that arise and family meetings are great places to sort these out. Family meetings give everyone a chance to be heard and help work out a solution that everyone is part of. Make family meetings positive and not just about sorting out problems. Use them to plan holiday activities, establish family goals or to formally recognise the contributions of different family members so that the meetings don’t start being associated with negative emotions.

Leadership Style

Don’t be a dictator. Authoritarian leadership often leads to a rebellion and that is the last thing you want from your kids. Early on you will be setting the rules, but be ready to explain them. While pushing the boundaries is natural for teenagers, hearing your thoughtful explanation about why parties on school nights aren’t allowed will make the rule seem more reasonable.

One of the things that the home environment can supply in adolescence is stability and predictability. With so many other areas of life volatile and changing it is really helpful to have a safe, loving and consistent home to come back to. One of the keys to this is to have a strong and loving relationship with your spouse. Take the time needed to look after each other when parenting teenagers so that not only are you a united front but also a great example of a healthy adult relationship.

In the final article for this year, I will look at some tips around relating well with teenage children.

Michael Lance | College Counsellor