From the Counselling Suite

The Languages of Love

Conflict in our close relationships can have a significant, negative impact on our moods.  Indeed, conflict is one of the common issues that students tend to seek counselling to address.  One of the main causes of conflict in relationships is miscommunication, which can often be the result of family members and/or peers having different ‘love languages’. 

A ‘love language’ refers to the way in which we show others that we care for or love them, and the way we like to receive that care or love in return.  I’m sure there are others that you can think of, but the five most commonly referred to ‘love languages’ are:

• Physical Touch: this can include things like hand holding, giving someone a hug when they are feeling down, giving someone a handshake, high fiving or patting someone on the back to commend them, stroking a child’s hair or giving them a massage to help them to relax.  Individuals whose ‘love language’ is touch show their love through appropriate physical touch and physical affection and like to receive the same in return.

• Quality Time: includes having shared experiences with someone, perhaps spending time on a shared hobby or interest.  Making time for others and being present during that time is important to these individuals.  They will be irked by someone interrupting a conversation by checking their phone, for example.

• Words: this person may give lots of compliments and affirm others frequently with their words.  They may also be the type to write lots of text messages, emails or someone who leaves notes for their loved ones.  They will tend to write long, heartfelt and considerate messages in cards and may deliberate over written notes or cards.  They may also like to talk about future plans with their loved ones.

• Acts of Service: this person shows others they care for them by doing things for them.  They might like cooking meals for their family, for example, or they might offer to give someone a lift, or to help someone with a project.  For this person, actions speak louder than words.  Unfortunately, acts of service can sometimes be overlooked as expressions of love, because they include everyday tasks (like cleaning the house) that may not seem as grand as some of the other ‘languages’ but nonetheless, are a big help to others.  To this person, someone helping them out with a practical task will be greatly appreciated.

• Gifts: some people feel most loved by receiving a gift.  These people are also those who tend to put a lot of thought in to selecting gifts for their friends and loved ones.

People tend to have one dominant ‘love language’ which largely determines how they express their love to others.  It also determines how they would like to receive love from others.  It makes sense then, that when family members, and/or friends, have different love languages, this can cause tension.  For example, take a person whose love language is gifts… if they carefully and painstakingly select a thoughtful gift for their friend for Christmas, but then they do not receive one in return, this person may interpret their feelings as unreciprocated, when this may not necessarily be the case (the other person may not value gifts as much as they have a different love language). 

It may be helpful to have a read over this list and have a think about what your dominant love language/s is/are.  In addition, perhaps think about what the love languages of those in your inner circle might be, and if you’re unsure, perhaps even open up a conversation about it.  Once we know what others’ love languages are and what is most important to them, we can usually gain a better understanding of others including what they may need from us at different times, to improve and/or strengthen the quality of our relationships.

Here is a link to a quick, online quiz that can help you to identify what your love language is:

 http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

Dr Lucinda Clifford

School Psychologist

The Counselling Team is available to advise and support all students and families and can be contacted by email on counselling@bps.sa.edu.au

Parents may also refer their son to the Counselling Team by using the Referral found on the Parent Portal. 

Ms Cathie Oswald

SCHOOL COUNSELLOR (Monday, Thursday and Friday)

Dr Lucinda Clifford

SCHOOL PSYCHOLOGIST  (Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday)