Words from our
School Chaplain
Conversations with our kids
Hi everyone.
Every month as part of my role here in the school, I compile statistics to access how I do my pastoral care and to also help assess the overall effectiveness of chaplaincy across the country.
The month of May saw the largest component of my pastoral care support given to three groups or issues in equal proportions; these were 1. Social issues followed by family / mental health and also issues of grief and loss; Finally School related issues such as classroom behaviour and conflict leftover from the school yard. The data reflects some very empathetic children here at Loch primary which is a reflection of some truly amazing parents.
But, I have a question to ask all our parents, which is, “are you having purposeful conversations with your children?” We get it, that life is crazy some days as we all try to balance the work responsibilities with the home responsibilities, it’s all too easy to assume that when we’re washing dishes, splitting wood of fixing cars or putting Band-Aids on grazed knees that we are connecting with our kids because we do all these physical things as an extension of our love and care towards our children. These things are important and let’s face it these jobs have to be done don’t they, or else how would tea get cooked or dishes washed or fires stoked etc. but can they cause us to lose sight of much bigger issues?
How many of us actually engage in conversation with our kids that grows our relationship with them?
Do we talk through the social issues of the day and explore ways to resolve some of the social tension our kids feel in ways that helps them to grow, develop and that assist the development of their maturity?
What about mental health? We’ve all had a brush with it but can we find safe ways to talk about it with our kids that assist them through some of our own mental health dilemmas so that they are less likely to experience long term trauma from either stuff that they are dealing with or stuff that they have to observe in us.
Either way I’d like you to know that you are your child’s best resource! You have a story and ideas that come from how you managed (whether you failed or succeeded) during the ups and downs of your life so far – these experiences amount to “Life wisdom” and is of great value to our children, but only if we take the time to sit down and engage in a conversation with them at their level about these important issues.
You’ll be surprised at how much you can help your kids and how much you know; so go ahead and have that conversation with your kids!
Matt Stear
School Chaplain
How to Help Kids Deal With Rejection
Don't minimize feelings. Do encourage resiliency.
Rejection and disappointment are two difficult feelings to have. We often blame ourselves when we don’t reach some of our goals. Resiliency (or “grit” as it’s now called in pop psychology) is a valuable character trait that we can foster in our children. It is inevitable that our kids will feel disappointed, rejected, and defeated at times. Here are 5 tips that can help build some grit:
1. Comfort and validate their experience. When our kids feel validated and understood, it helps them build a sense of self. It also normalizes their feelings and builds up what I like to call “psychic muscle.” Like working out, when we can lift heavier weights we get stronger and it becomes easier. The better we are able to feel and tolerate uncomfortable feelings, the stronger and easier it is to handle the next time around.
For example, if your child is disappointed because she did not get into her dream college you could say, “That’s so disappointing, I know you were really hoping to get in.” Many well-intentioned parents attempt to minimize feelings of disappointment for their kids, but miss the big picture. Your child is disappointed and may need some comfort before she can consider the other alternatives.
2. Make failing safe. Often adolescents (and adults!) are often afraid of failure. Failure is an excellent learning experience, albeit an uncomfortable one. It can help us reassess our goals and come up with a new game plan to try again. A recent article in Forbes, the author discusses five personality traits of entrepreneurs and one trait is resiliency despite failure.
3. If you don’t succeed, try again. This is not a new euphemism but often after failure a lack of motivation kicks in. If we can make failing part of the process, then a second chance (or third, or fourth!) is always there.
4. Tie your children’s value to their character, not their achievements. It’s easy for parents to want their kids to go to the best schools, get straight A’s and be superstars. The whole world should see what we see and love in our kids. Yet, this pressure to succeed can send a message that your self-worth is directly correlated to your achievement.
Recently, I had a group of sixth graders share their worries about getting into Ivy League schools! When your child achieves a goal like getting exceptional grades, focus on his work ethic and determination, not the end result. “That’s great! You worked real hard this semester.”
5. Take a back seat. We all want to protect our kids from trials and tribulations. But if we shelter them for too long, it stunts their ability to develop a sense of self-efficacy. When we try to solve problems for them or intervene on their behalf, it sends a message that we don’t think they can do things on their own…and they start believing that. Try problem solving together, and let your child take the lead. It will give him confidence to handle situations in the future, and give you the peace of mind that he can, indeed, handle it.
Katherine Prudente
Child Mind Institute