News from our Chaplain Matt

Thoughts from our

School Chaplain  

Creating a healthy family culture

Hi Everyone

In my role as Chaplain I work with students and their families about a range of issues. Recently there has been a focus on behavioural issues, family issues as well as grief and loss.

All of these issues have the potential to develop trauma related behaviours because naturally some of the family issues that we all face from time to time, along with any form of grief or sense of loss can be in and of themselves traumatic.

Now whether or not this is currently an issue for your family or not, it may well be an issue for another family member or friend and so I’m hoping that it will be useful to that end as shared knowledge to everyone's benefit.

You may recall that in my first article about “having that conversation” (several months ago) that  how we approach these things as individual families will go a long way to helping our children to grow through whatever is affecting our individual families but not becoming handicapped from it; to that end by developing open conversations with our kids about the issues they are facing , we are addressing so much more than a behaviour, we are addressing a need that your child, my child, someone else's child may not know how to talk about; We are actually learning and developing healthy family cultures that affectively deal with the causes of our children's behaviour, potentially altering our children's coping mechanism’s in a very positive way that can become their normal. Talking about and exploring new and exciting experiences as well as the  challenging experiences develops trust between you and your child or someone else's child and allows for the development of healthy and appropriate expressions to some of life's tougher challenges.

Perhaps you can see what the opposite outcome might be without healthy dialogue in our homes? If they are watching you or their other parent melt down over some of life's tougher issues then your coping mechanisms naturally become theirs because you are their primary role-model and as such  a new unhealthy kind of normal has the potential to affect your children's life and your family’s generations thereafter because after all it is modelled from generation to generation and it is normal so far as they are concerned. I have heard it said that if you are used to “subnormal” as a way of life and then “normal” comes along, it will appears as “abnormal” and it’s a difficult cycle to break.

But talking about the issues of life can avert such a sad outcome and help us to perpetuate healthy and happy children along with the generations that follow thereafter. If you don’t know how to begin this way of life and you want to know how, then find people that do and develop friendships with them.

It’s a lot simpler than you may think– just give it  a go and have that conversation!

 Following on from last month’s article on Anger and anxiety I mentioned that this month we would look at ways to develop healthy family cultures so that solid communication can become a way of life and anxiety can be significantly reduced for all members of our families.

This month I know you’ll appreciate looking at the impact that technology has on our quality family time. Whilst investigating this interesting subject I discovered that kids are spending more time at home where their parents are these days but ironically they are spending more time alone. As contradictory as this may sound, the evidence can probably be confirmed by you all as you see your kids come home from school, grab a snack and then disappear into their rooms for some intensive “screen time.”

I’m sure that you don’t need any help in understanding that this has the potential to become a problem, especially in regards to having face to face time where personal up close conversations can take place. It’s true that technology has obvious benefits such as face time phone calls that bring families closer together over long distances but it also has its draw backs too. Left unchecked it can actually dislocate families and create serious health issues such as obesity and feelings of isolation. Talking to a seasoned nurse who is participating in post graduate studies recently, she suggested that there is new evidence emerging that suggests that large amounts of screen time, especially on smart devices can produce brain atrophy which is essentially brain shrinkage, it’s a basically a “use it or lose it” consequence of letting smart devices do what our own brains were designed to do. This actually aligns with dementia research that confirms that to reduce diseases like dementias one needs to actively engage the brain. Reducing your child’s natural brain development could mean that you are assisting your child in developing a lazy brain. Check out the links below for some helpful recommendations about limiting screen time in your family and why.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6UKUWDh78W0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ymv7E-FmKo

In closing, one essential step that we can take to help us develop a healthy family culture is to intentionally engage in constructive enriching conversations with our children, taking in facial responses, tones and actual body language. Celebrating achievements and supporting each other through the tough times needs to be done where we can actually see, touch and hold each other, laugh, cry and eat together.

Some families have had great results by simply choosing to initiate a time where they share three positive things that have happened to them or things that they are grateful for each day during time around the dinner table.

This is just one easy baby step that any family could do to stay connected and together as they redesign their own healthy and unique family culture.

Warm regards

Matt Stear – School Chaplain