From the Counselling Suite

Teaching Boys to Respect Women

Domestic violence research consistently indicates that in order to prevent men’s violence against women, we need to target our boys’ attitudes, beliefs, values and behaviours from an early age. Why is this so important? The following statistics from the White Ribbon Australia website highlight the prevalence and severity of violence against women in Australia:

On average, one woman a week is murdered by her current or former partner.
1 in 4 women have experienced emotional abuse by a current or former partner since the age of 15.
1 in 5 women have experienced sexual violence since the age of 15.
85% of Australian women have been sexually harassed.
Intimate partner violence is a leading contributor to illness, disability and premature death for women aged 18-44.

Sadly, statistics also indicate that many young people hold sexist beliefs and lack knowledge about different forms of abuse, such as the following:

1 in 4 young people think it’s pretty normal for guys to pressure girls into sex.
1 in 3 young people don’t think controlling someone is a form of violence.
1 in 4 young people don’t think it’s serious when guys insult or verbally harass girls in the street.

Here are some suggestions about how we can teach our boys to be respectful towards women:

Lead by example. It is important for males to role model respectful interactions with the women in their lives and for people, in general, to act respectfully towards one another. Younger children, in particular, are very impressionable, and learn how to interact with and relate to others from observing those around them. Often, this becomes their template for future relationships. Speak kindly to one another, use manners, be considerate of each other’s feelings and avoid swearing at one another.
Call people out on sexist language, comments, gendered swear words and sexist behaviours so that children learn that this is not acceptable and will not be tolerated.
Also refrain from, and call other people out on, diminishing men who do not fit within rigid gender stereotypes. For example, if someone calls a man weak for expressing their emotions (e.g. “he’s crying like a girl”), or “gay” for not wanting to be intimate with a woman.
Encourage boys to be enlightened, respectful, emotionally mature and kind-hearted. Importantly, encourage them to be themselves and to pursue their interests and values, even if these are different to those of their peers. Boys who have a good sense of self are less likely to seek fulfillment in unhealthy ways.
Teach boys to have the full range of emotions and tell them that it’s ok for them cry and to experience the full range of emotions.
Assign equal chores to siblings of different genders. For example, try not to delegate household chores exclusively to girls and outdoor jobs to boys.
Expose boys to various different male role models, not just the stereotypical “macho” men.
When you observe disrespectful interactions, talk to your boys about this. Encourage them to consider different people’s perspectives to help them to develop social awareness and empathy. Assist them to consider alternative ways of solving problems respectfully.
Monitor media. Be wary of television shows or video games with violent and sexist themes, some of which may actually promote violence against women. If you do happen to watch something with your son that includes these themes, unpack it with them afterwards.
Monitor what your child is accessing online. Scarily, research indicates that the average age that boys are accessing pornography on the internet is 11! This is incredibly early and highlights the need for education about porn from an early age. Acknowledge the existence of porn and let boys know that people may want to show it to them or think it’s funny but that it teaches negative things. Emphasise that porn is not a reflection of real life and does not reflect what people want in healthy, functional relationships. Encourage boys to talk to you if someone shows them porn and follow the appropriate channels in reporting this. DO NOT normalise porn as something “all the boys do” as attitudes like this are part of the domestic violence and disrespect problem.
Teach boys about consent and that no always means no. Be clear with them that they must not touch, kiss or be physically intimate with a girl without her informed consent. Also teach boys about respecting their own bodies and that from an early age, it is ok for them to say no to physical affection. For older boys, talk to them about how alcohol intoxication or other factors may hinder people’s abilities to give informed consent. Discourage boys from making assumptions about consent based on behaviours or physical appearance (e.g. “she was all over him so she must have wanted it”).
Talk to boys about healthy relationships and commitment. Explore what things are important to them in relationships as well as relationship deal-breakers. Make a link between commitment and intimacy.
Teach boys about some of the less obvious forms of controlling behaviour (i.e. excessive texting, telling partners that they shouldn’t wear something, going through someone’s phone).

Dr Lucinda Clifford

SCHOOL PSYCHOLOGIST