From the Director of Student Culture & Character Development

The Importance of Parental Swagger

As we all move towards the long summer holidays, I thought you might like to read this edited blog from Maggie Dent on how to hold your ground and maintain the boundaries that are a part of the values you set for your family. In this blog Maggie also touches on winning and losing, another relevant topic as we move to end of year presentation evenings where we celebrate student success.

https://www.maggiedent.com/blog/the-importance-of-parental-swagger/

The importance of parental ‘swagger’ (posted on November 29, 2022)

To begin with I need to acknowledge that the term parental swagger comes from my wise and dear friend, author and psychologist Dr Vanessa Lapointe. Put simply, swagger means having the confidence and in-charge energy to be the parent that your child needs, regardless of their age.

Author and family therapist Susan Stiffelman uses the metaphor of being ‘captain of the ship’ in her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles. Both of these terms make perfect sense when we are raising children. However, given the changing paradigms of parenting, from the punitive, shame-based styles of the last century, to the more respectful, connected parenting of today, many parents are feeling confused.

The science of child development shows very clearly that having a strong attachment to a significant key caregiver is the fundamental building block to raising healthy children to become healthy adults.

I clearly remember the day I asked my 20-month-old son to take a towel to the laundry for me so that he could be more helpful. At the time I had no concept of the depth of understanding that a child of that age could have because he wasn’t using many words verbally. To my surprise a couple of hours later I noticed the towel was in the laundry! From that moment I realised that little ones are often a lot smarter than we give them credit for and that they deserved to be heard, respected and given opportunities to have agency and autonomy. From then on, I spoke to all my lads as I would speak to my best girlfriends – warmly and as though they could understand.

When I needed to step forward with swagger, when one of my lads was hurting one of his brothers, or pushing a boundary that was important in our family, my voice changed very noticeably!

They knew that whatever they were choosing to do in that moment was not okay.

Being firm did not need me to hurt or harm my boys to teach them what was right or wrong.

This was the absolute opposite to how I had been parented and it did take me some therapy and personal growth work to be able to make a different choice in those ‘hot’ moments. I also learned to not sweat the small stuff so I did not use that strong voice very often!

Gentle parenting doesn’t mean cushioning kids

Many parents have expressed to me how modern parenting messages about being more gentle and very attached have put more pressure on them to ensure their children are always happy. This is why some parents can be seen as ‘bubble wrap’ parents, where they ensure their children never experience a grazed knee, or a moment of sadness or disappointment. They give them anything they want, and will often put their children’s needs ahead of their own.

Sadly, this does not end well as our children need moments of challenge, failure and disappointment, as well as moments of exquisite joy and delight in order to learn authentic emotional intelligence.

Over-rewarding children with stickers, trophies and certificates does not help them develop an inner locus of control through which they do things simply because it is the right thing to do or it really is something that matters to them. There is so much judgement on the parents whose child is having a meltdown in the supermarket, or is screaming as they leave the playground and that certainly doesn’t help parents own their own swagger.

Being firm doesn’t mean being a punisher

Being firm does not need a parent to be mean or to inflict punishment or pain.

It’s absolutely okay to say no, and to hold that no, even if your child melts down and feels distressed.

There will be times that your child may say they hate you, that you are the worst parent on earth because you have held a boundary and that just means you are doing your job as a parent. Rather than see yourself as a failure, see yourself as a good-enough parent being the parent your child needs.

In every family there needs to be clarity around values and expectations. Conversations around the dining table, in the car and in one-on-one moments are what build these expectations. Having swagger means that you will make your child accountable for not upholding those values, e.g. if your child breaks a school rule, then they need to accept the discipline that is appropriate within that school. Parental swagger means we stand by the school so that our child can learn the importance of rules and expectations within organisations.

Having boundaries that differ from other families’ boundaries can feel tricky at times. Many families have told me that they have stopped allowing their young children to play at friend’s houses because there are no boundaries around screens and their friends were able to watch content that was inappropriate, and frightening. Yep, this can be one of those tough moments as a parent when you may appear to be an outlier. However, your children are observing you as their in-charge person and you are making choices to keep them safe and secure.

Swagger in the tween/teen years

In my bestselling book From Boys to Men I write about the importance of the rails on the bridge to manhood, and this is another example of parental swagger.

Our tweens and our teens are stretching and growing at different rates and adolescence is full of change, stress, risky behaviour and the important search for identity.

When they have parents who have got their backs, who love them ferociously even when they fail, their chances of navigating this journey to adulthood are drastically improved.

My sons were not allowed to go to parties until they reached Year 11, even though of course they secretly went to a couple! Once they got to that age, with very clear expectations, they could go to parties. From all the research, I knew that the brain at 16 is more capable of making better decisions, especially risky decisions, than it is under 16 (but not as capable of course as if they were say 25!). They did complain a lot that I was too tough and that some of their friends were allowed to go to parties at 14 and their parents were buying them alcohol – something I also refused to do! I was happy to be a ‘mean’ – I preferred to say firm – loving parent who had enough swagger to make the decisions I felt were best for my sons.

Interestingly, there were times when my teenage lads did not really want to go to a party, and they blamed me for being mean and not letting them go. I was very happy to be their fall guy if it made it easier for them to refuse an invitation!

Being a good-enough parent does not mean you won’t have moments when you shout or yell, or slam a door because we are human. Let’s be honest it’s really hard being the in-charge person in a family every single minute of every single day.

Being in charge does not mean being in control of our children or expecting we can control their lives, and it isn’t about being tough or hard.

This is one of the most important things to realise that we are raising unique individuals who have their own way of seeing the world and experiencing it. It is helpful to keep in mind that absolutely no one likes being told what to do, being nagged or lectured. The research is strong that the more loved and connected a child feels, the more likely they are going to follow our directions and guidance especially when asked with respect.

Stress and swagger

Stress can make it difficult for parents to hold their swagger in a healthy place while being lovingly attached to their child. Given we are coming out of three awful years of global uncertainty, a pandemic, increasing natural disasters and higher costs of living, our ability to be the calm, reliable, predictable in-charge parent we want to be has become more difficult. Remember little habits like the parental pause can really make a difference in how we steady the ship.

An unhelpful habit that many parents get into with their children is focusing on what their child is doing wrong rather than focusing on the moments they get things right. This is especially a challenge for little boys whose behaviour is often far more impulsive and unpredictable.

Shift the lens as a parent to one of ‘positive noticing’ because it can really help create a different mindset in your child who might be pushing the boundaries a lot due to their temperament or unique character. For example, “Sam I noticed you being patient with your little sister this morning when you were building your Lego well done.” Very specific and simple and yet deceptively powerful for our children.

Remember, there is no perfect in parenting however our children need good-enough parents who can hold their swagger to ensure their children feel like they always have them watching their back and staying connected with love. They don’t need their parents to be their best friends or their buddies. They need them to be their parents who some days do a great job, and other days not so great. They need at least one parent who gets out of bed each day with swagger and a heart full of love, aiming to be the parent the child needs and wants.

The End

Hope this blog was helpful and an insight into the difficulties we all have as parents today. Wish you all a wonderful weekend as we move into our final week for the year.

Mrs. Jacqueline Haines

Director of Student Culture & Character Development