HOW TO HELP KIDS WITH ANXIETY, ANGER AND BEHAVIOURAL PROBLEMS

Children can get angry for many reasons. Preschoolers feel angry because they have not yet learned to control or express their emotions. They also have limited insight into the effect their actions or words have on others. Older children may demonstrate anger when they feel that something isn’t fair or they feel left out or misunderstood. Some anger is normal in children, but extreme or frequent anger or aggressive behaviour may indicate developmental or mental health problems.

HERE ARE FIVE THINGS YOU CAN DO:

1. Build their feelings vocabulary

Often children act out because they feel confused or out of control. They experience strong, overwhelming emotions but have not learned to understand them. Helping children to understand and put words to their emotions is the first step to empowering them to take control over their behaviour and make better choices. Build emotions into your daily conversations, books and games. Feelings charts and the thermometer of emotions are great visual ways to teach children emotions.

2. Acknowledge and validate

Encourage children to express their feelings and talk to you. This will help children learn that their feelings are okay, that they are not to be scared or ashamed of. When you notice your child getting angry, validate their feelings by getting on their level and connecting to them. Look them in the eye and using a calm tone say “I know you’re feeling really upset about X, it seems really unfair to you” this will encourage them to match your calm emotional state, and start to diffuse their anger because they feel understood.

3. Encourage decision making

It might seem natural to jump in and solve the problem for your child, or try and make them feel better by reassuring them. It’s more helpful to build their ability to handle their emotions and learn that they have the skills to cope on their own. Ask them questions like “what can you do to calm down?” or “what would be a good choice you can make right now?”. In the beginning, you might need to scaffold the child’s decisions by giving them options, for example giving them two alternatives of better choices, eg. “you can play lego in your room or drink some water while you calm down”.

4. Model good choices and behaviour

Many young children have anger problems because they haven’t learned to self-regulate. A parent can model good behaviour in day to day situations for example “I felt angry today so I took some deep breaths and tried to relax my body until the feeling passed”. A psychologist can help a child learn through play therapy using dolls to model interactions, and talking and problem-solving typical problems that the child faces. Other creative ways to teach problem-solving and good behaviour are through educational cartoons or comic strips, books, stories and videos. A reward chart can be helpful to reinforce good behaviour. You can also make a rules board that displays clear rewards and consequences using simple images that younger children can easily understand.

5. Consistency, consistency, consistency

When you change the way you respond to your child’s behaviour, it might get worse before it gets better. When your child’s usual tantrums, yelling, or anger don’t get them the same result as they usually get, they will try and push your buttons even harder in the beginning. Be consistent and soon they will learn that in order to get what they want, they need to change their actions.

If your child is struggling with anxiety at the moment, you are not alone. Anxiety in children has been on the rise recently. Children have had to deal with a lot of changes recently such as the changes involves with the COVID pandemic (homeschooling, spending a lot of time indoors, and not seeing friends and family). They may also have absorbed some of the collective global anxiety and panic during the pandemic. These factors are not ideal for healthy social and emotional development in children. Here are some things to look out for if you think your child might be suffering from anxiety and what you can do to help.

SIGNS THAT YOUR CHILD MIGHT HAVE ANXIETY:

Separation anxiety and not wanting to go to school or being more “clingy”
Health anxiety and worrying about their own health, the health of others or excessively talking about the pandemic
Social worries and fears of spending time with other children
Regression of certain skills or developmental milestones such as talking, toileting, and academic performance
Poor eating, sleeping, and self-care skills

HOW CAN YOU HELP YOUR CHILD DEAL WITH ANXIETY:

BUILD THE EMOTIONAL VOCABULARY: Children often feel scared of things that they don’t know or understand. Helping your child label their emotions will help foster a sense of control. It also helps children to process their feelings and build greater self-awareness. Teach them to use a rich vocabulary beyond just “happy, sad and scared”, for example, “excited, ecstatic, nervous, concerned, frustrated”. Talk to them about how the emotion feels in the body, for example, sweaty palms or a racing heart. It may be helpful to print out feelings or emoji chart and put it somewhere they will look at frequently and you can integrate emotions into daily discussions.
NORMALISE WORRY:
After you have validated and labeled your child’s emotions, normalise their worries. Talk about times you have felt nervous or worried and how you dealt with it. Reading books that talk about emotions, drawing/painting, or acting out their feelings can be a good way to make their worries seem less scary.
You can teach your child that anxiety is a normal reaction. It is like a “smoke alarm” for the body to keep us safe from danger. The only thing is that sometimes that smoke alarm is faulty and goes off when nothing is actually going to hurt us, so it’s up to us to switch it off.
CALMER PARENTS = CALMER KIDS: Studies show that parent stress correlates with anxiety and behaviour problems in children. Children pick up on much more than we think so it’s important that you model healthy emotion coping behaviours to them. By managing your own stress and anxiety you send the message to your child that they are safe too. This will instill a sense of security and confidence they need to face the world and deal with their anxiety.
TEACH RELAXATION:
You can work with your child to learn relaxation skills. This is great bonding time which will also help to improve your own wellbeing. Find what works for your child to help them feel calm and regulated so that they can use these tools to bring them back into balance when they feel overwhelmed. Some children like drawing and art, playing with Lego or sensory toys, getting outside, listening to a sleep story, guided meditation, doing kids yoga or breathing exercises. Your child will be much more likely to practice relaxation strategies if you do it with them.
APPROACH NOT AVOID: When your child is anxious they will likely avoid and retreat from their fears, but this is the very thing that keeps anxiety going. When children avoid their fears they don’t learn that they have the skills to cope with them and that the anxiety in their mind makes things seem much worse than they actually are in reality. This can lead to “learned helplessness” where children believe they can’t cope or have the resilience to handle life’s challenges. Parents can encourage their kids to face their fears, starting slow and offering praise and rewards for small wins along the way.

Anxiety is a normal part of development as children grow and experience life’s challenges. The parent’s role is to provide scaffolding as children learn the skills to cope. If you feel like your child is experiencing significant levels of anxiety and maladjustment, they may benefit from working with a professional or child psychologist.

AFL Victoria