From the Assistant Principal

Assistant Principal's Report

Learning Together

Consent

With the issue of consent being on the news and the front page of newspapers recently, the following articles may be of assitance.

Following the March 4 Justice rallies families have been urged to talk to their children about consent. Many parents are unsure where to start and how to go about it. Here are some ideas to assist parents in this most important topic.

Start the consent ball rolling from an early age

Consent education begins with adults teaching and modelling respectful treatment related to children’s development stages. Holding discussions about body boundaries, checking in with feelings, respecting the feelings and voices of others, and listening to children’s concerns are the types of behaviours that will help you develop a culture of respect in your family.

Is your home a place where children can talk about any topic? Sexuality and relationship education are subjects that many parents place in the ‘let’s talk about this when you are older’ basket.

Professor Kerry Robinson, who is in the School of Social Sciences and Psychology and the Sexualities and Genders Research Network at Western Sydney University advises parents to be factual when answering children’s questions, emphasising the importance of staying informed about the subject kids are interested in.

In a recent article in The Guardian, she said “…. have set it up early with your child that when they talk about certain things you give open, simple, honest answers, then you set a precedent that you can build on.”

Professor Robinson also advises parents not to fob off children’s questions: “Straight away you’re setting a pattern of not answering and putting it off. Kids learn really quickly that this is a taboo subject. They will talk to their friends about it: they won’t talk to their parents and other adults about it because it’s taboo.”

Teach no means no

Children learn about mutual consent through their play and sharing. A child who doesn’t want to share their toys has a right to be left alone, rather than being scolded to change their mind. A parent who withdraws a privilege in response to a teenager’s poor behaviour shouldn’t be subjected to repeated attempts to negotiate a different outcome. Reinforce with children and young people that a no is not an invitation to ask again.

Emphasise choices

The biggest lesson to reinforce for children and young people is that they have a choice in how they behave, and how they react. The young person who blames alcohol for sexual assault has neglected the role that choice plays in their decisions. Blaming alcohol, the dress or the demeanour of another person are older versions of ‘it’s not my fault because he/she made me do it’ that children so often use when asked to account for poor behaviour.

Framing behaviour as a choice is a central consent strategy for children or all ages. A young child who shares a toy with a friend can be told, “Good choice Harry. Now you can have fun together.” A primary school child who completes their homework assignment early can be reminded “Now you’ve got plenty of time to relax. Smart choice.” The teenager who quietly helps you prepare a meal can be told, “You could have done anything after school, but you chose to help me. I appreciate that.”

Teach kids to seek consent

While teaching kids the right to say no is a central consent message, children and young people should also develop the habit of seeking consent from others. “Ask your sister if it’s okay for you to play that game next to her.” “Ask grandma if she feels like a cuddle right now.” Permission-seeking is another piece in respectful relationships puzzle that you can reinforce with kids.

Model consent

The use of consensual language is a community concern. A grandparent may need to be respectfully reminded to ask young children if they’d like a kiss or hug. Similarly, a relative should abide by a young child’s wishes if they ask them to stop tickling or playing with them. A doctor should ask a child, “I’m going to take your temperature. Is that okay?” It’s up to adults to frame requests in ways that children feel safe and comfortable.

Fathers step up

Dads can’t leave consent and sexuality education to mothers, which still appears to be the case in many families. Fathers can help their daughters develop the confidence to say no by regular interactions with their daughters and encouraging them to be assertive. If they feel comfortable telling you to stop a game, they are more likely to feel comfortable saying no to other males in their lives later in life. Open the door to conversations about sexuality, relationships and consent with your teenage daughter, and she’ll know she has a willing ally in you.

Fathers can model respectful behaviours for their sons through their treatment of women at home, and in the community at large. Start the by calling out displays of derogatory behaviour towards women by men or young people. Reinforce in your sons that they the standard of behaviour they ignore is the standard of behaviour that they accept. There are many powerful lessons that boys can absorb from their fathers.

In closing

The best age to start teaching your children about consent is when they are young. The second-best age is whatever age they are right now. Consent education is too big an issue to ignore or leave to schools to manage. It’s something we all have to commit to if we want real change to occur. M Grosse

Caitlin Fitzsimmons (senior writer for the sun Herald on social affairs) also recently penned a number of questions, providing some answers to the many complex issues surrounding consent. If you missed it, the following is a small snippet.

…When should you start talking to children about consent and how do you explain it to young kids?

You can’t really start too young but you need to tackle it in an age-appropriate way. The concept of consent is broader than sexual consent, so learning about it should predate sex education. This gives children an intuitive understanding of consent they can later apply to sexual encounters as teenagers or adults. It’s also an important child protection tool – very young children need to be able to recognise when someone is behaving inappropriately towards them and have the confidence to share that with a parent or carer or another trusted adult.

Explain to your children that they are the boss of their own body and that other people are the bosses of their bodies – that’s why you can’t hurt other people or force them to do things. Children learn by observation so it’s important to model consent. For example, if you’re playing a tickling game, stop when they ask you to stop. If they don’t want to hug their uncle or kiss grandma, don’t force them. If they don’t want to play football in the yard with their siblings, it’s OK to say no.

“Sometimes the reason why people go along with things when they really don’t want to is because they just don’t know how to manage the peer group pressure or the interpersonal pressure.”

Relationships Australia chief executive Elisabeth Shaw says developing these boundaries is a “fabulous resource” for learning how to stand your ground later in life…

External support services and resources

1800 Respect provides family violence and sexual assault counselling and is available via telephone or online chat, 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
Sexual assault support services centres against sexual assault provide 24-hour crisis support and can be accessed without first reporting to police.
Kids Helpline provides counselling support service for young people aged 5-25 years old and for parents, available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
Parentline Victoria provides parenting counselling support service 8am to midnight, seven days a week, including support for parents experiencing family violence.
Headspace provides tailored and holistic mental health support from 9am to 1am, seven days a week, to young people aged 12-25 years old. The website also provides resources and a local directory for headspace centres
National Sexual Assault, Family & Domestic Violence Counselling Line: 1800 737 732.
Crisis support can be found at Lifeline (13 11 14 and lifeline.org.au)
Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636 and beyondblue.org.au).

Ben Heyes