Anxiety in Children and Teens:

Two questions to set their brave in motion.

I recently read an article posted by Karen Young on anxiety that I wanted to share with you. Enjoy the read.

Anxiety in children and teens can shrink their world more than anything should. Sometimes anxiety will do what it was designed to do, and show up in response to a real threat. Most often though, anxiety will show up, not in response to danger, but to something meaningful and important. This is when anxiety can really get in the way for our young ones. Instead of holding them back from something life-threatening it just holds them back.

When our brain senses a threat it organises our bodies to be more powerful, stronger, faster and more able to fight for our lives or run for it. When anxiety shows up in reaction to a real threat (one with a real need for fight or flight), this response is brilliant. Too often though, anxiety shows up as a reaction to something important – a performance, trying something new, meeting new people, doing something brave. The threat that is registered in the brain is related to messing up or missing out on that important thing. This might include shame, failure, humiliation, making a mistake, exclusions – the kinds of things that count as a terrible kind of terrible for us humans.

Anxiety doesn’t weigh up the pros and cons of anything, just the cons. It does this to keep us safe. Anxiety can swell just as much in reaction to a real life threat as it will to things that cause heartache (feels awful but not life threatening) but which will more likely come with great rewards.

When it comes to anxiety, dangerous things, important things or meaningful things can all feel the same.

First the feeling, then the ‘why’. The power lies in the ‘why’.

Part of being human is that sometimes we will feel big feelings that don’t make any sense. Feelings that don’t make sense can feel overwhelming – even the good ones. One of the ways we contain them is to look for meaning – ‘I feel like this because …..’ We create a story for our feelings to give them a context. The story doesn’t need to be accurate, in fact it often won’t be.

The story that follows anxiety is generally along the line of ‘I feel as though something bad is going to happen so something bad must be going to happen.’ From here anxiety will fuel our ‘what if’ thinking (what if something happens) which will then fuel anxiety, which will fuel our what ifs. We can interrupt this cycle by helping our young ones find a different way to make sense of their anxiety, and it’s this: Anxiety isn’t only a reaction to a real threat. Most often it’s a reaction to something meaningful or important.

How to align our little people with their brave.

When anxiety is a reaction to something meaningful we can help out little ones by expanding the space between anxiety and what comes next and encourage them to ask themselves –

Is my anxiety because of something dangerous or

Because there is something meaningful or important for me to do?

Hopefully what comes next is where the magic happens because what comes next is the decision that will move them away from fear and closer to that meaningful thing. Sometimes getting safe is exactly the right thing to do, however sometimes when anxiety swells and calls them into action, it is actually a time to make a brave move forward. So, the next question to ask is

Is this a time to be safe? Or

Is this a time to be brave?

It’s important for our children to know that anxiety always exists with courage. The need to know that they can still be brave, do brave, move towards that important thing and get the job done being a little anxious. Even with anxiety they can do amazing things and helping our children understand this is one of the most important parts of building a scaffold that will support their move towards brave. If they are focused on the risks and the fear they might need our help to shift their focus to the gains.

The move towards brave doesn’t have to happen in a leap, it can happen little step by little step. It’s not how quickly it happens, it’s the direction that is important. When they are able to recognise that their anxiety is a reaction to something meaningful, the next thing to do is ask what they can do to move a little closer to that important, meaningful thing.

What can you do that is braver than last time?

They may need our help to find a step that feels brave enough. Reassure them that you know this feels scary for them – this will help register safety in the brain and help them feel supported. Let them know you believe in them with a comment like’ I know you can do this.’ Ask them what they can do to feel brave right now? The more you involve them in making a plan the better, however sometimes the move towards brave might have to happen without them fully on board.

It’s not easy moving through anxiety for the children or the adults who care about them. There are few things more difficult than watching a child in distress and encouraging them towards the thing that is fueling their distress.

When they are at that line, deciding to retreat to safety or move forward into brave, there will be a part of them that will know they have what it takes to be brave and an even bigger part of them that wants to.

Our job as their support system is to clear the way for this part of them to rise by aligning ourselves with their courage, over their fear. This is when they need us to believe in them and gently shift their focus from anxiety (what they can’t do) to brave (what they will do).

Anxiety may fight back hard but know that eventually it will rest and when it does our children will discover exactly what they are capable of. They will discover that they can feel anxious and do hard things. That they are strong, powerful and brave – and anxiety doesn’t change that one bit.

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