Weekly Wellbeing

Transitioning back to school and Separation

Lately we have noticed that a few children seem to be struggling to leave their parents/guardians in the mornings. Below are some ideas that might be worth a try. In this ‘settling in’ phase of the year, it is important to remember that it is normal for children to feel a little bit worried about being away from you. From our perspective, how long children continue feeling worried is often (not always!) determined by how the adults in their lives respond to them.

We know that when children become distressed at home before school, or at school before you leave them that their aim (function of behaviour) is to stay with you, or because they are worried about something. Signs of this include: saying that they ‘don’t like school’ when they get up in the morning, refusing to get ready or get in the car, starting to cry when travelling to school, or starting to cry and cling onto you when you are dropping them off at their classroom.

If this happens, here are some strategies to try:

Watch the reading of ‘The Invisible String’ book. Click here. Relate it to your context and maybe even cut some string/wool that both of you can have in a special place as a reminder of the love that ties you together.
Make a plan with the child the evening before school about what is going to happen the next morning when you get to school (see below for an example).
Refrain from telling them that “everything will be okay” as this promotes reliance on you to soothe them (See below info on constant reassurance) and doesn’t help them to learn how to soothe themselves.
Validate their emotions but stay calm and firm on going to school and encourage them to think about what they can do to make themselves feel better (problem solving).
Separate your emotions from theirs. Your child needs you to be their ‘regulation’ model so it will help for you to stay calm and see this as their problem not yours. If you react to their emotions this may send the message that either; there is something wrong with your child and they shouldn’t be feeling this way; or that school is actually a scary place and you feel bad making them go

Example ‘Night Before’ Plan

Validate their feelings – ‘It is okay to feel……’
See if you can help them identify their thoughts….’what are you thinking about that is making you feel….?’
If they can identify thoughts say, ‘I would feel that way if I was thinking that too’, ‘Is there a more helpful way you can think about this?' Make a list of what they come up with. This is the self-talk you can remind them to use the next morning. If they cannot identify thoughts that is okay.
‘Going to school is a non-negotiable, so let’s think of some ways that you can make yourself feel better when going to school’ - see what they come up with. Some ideas might be belly breathing, having a toy, squishy ball, piece of string.
Tell them what you, the parent are going to do and stick to it. ‘I am going to walk you to the classroom, watch you put your bag down, wave to the teacher, give you one hug and turn around and walk back to the car’. You must do this regardless if your child is distressed. It is okay for your child to feel sad or worried to be separating from you. Over time this gets easier for them. Your child likely settles quickly in class. Please be assured that if they don’t, the teacher will most definitely inform you and make a plan.

A Bit More About Constant Reassurance

When you constantly tell your child ‘everything will be okay’, or if you tell them what to do in situations, they do not learn to problem solve and they learn to rely on you to solve everything in the future. If you are finding that your child is struggling at school or not wanting to separate from you it could be because they have become too dependent on you to make them feel safe and secure in every difficult situation.

If you want to build your child’s resilience you need to encourage them to use their strategies or develop ways in which they can reassure themselves in a situation that is challenging for them. Reminding your child to do slow deep breathing, using positive self-talk and talking to their teacher at school is very empowering for them.

Julie Reid & Mia Sartori - Wellbeing Team