Wellbeing

​6 Principles for Parenting

By Dr Siggie

Today, I want to share with you 6 principles for parenting.

These are 6 foundational principles I designed to guide you through every stage of parenting, at any age, during every encounter, throughout your parenting journey and beyond.

Throughout my three+ (almost 4!) decades of working with thousands of families of all kinds, as well as being a mother myself, I discovered these principles are essential for successful parenting, for having a healthy family connection, and raising a functional child.

These principles are relevant to every part of your life—far beyond parenting—and, best of all, you can start incorporating them immediately.

Let's dive right in! (In no particular order ☺️)

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Family-Centered

As the parent, you are in charge—and that’s a good thing.

You are not in charge as the family dictator, you are in charge as the family leader, guide, and mentor.

Your grounded authority isn’t just necessary; it’s essential for your child’s healthy development.

Many of us grew up in predominantly parent-centered homes, where parents had the final word with little to no input from their children. (Think: "Because I said so!")

In response, we’ve shifted our focus to hearing, including, and respecting our children—a wonderful and necessary change, no doubt.

However, have we overcorrected?

Are we now teetering on the edge of child-centered parenting, where the child becomes the center of the family, given too much power, leaving parents confused, frustrated, and losing trust in themselves?

I believe we have. We have confused giving our children a voice with putting them in charge.

My goal is to bring the balance back to parenting. Not parent-centered, not child-centered, but family-centered.

Each family member is heard and respected, but not all wants are accommodated. Power is shared more appropriately throughout the family, and your child gains power over time through experience, mentorship, and guidance.

Each member has a role, based on their knowledge and ability. Your role is to be the parent, in-charge and trusting your authority.

Your authority is not a bad thing, it's a vital part of you being able to set healthy, consistent parameters and care for your child.

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Happy is not the goal

I want to challenge you to rethink the idea that your child is supposed to be happy all the time.

Not only is happy all the time not possible, it's not appropriate—so let’s shift this unreasonable goal to one that's more fitting and significant.

Your goal is to help your child feel, accept, and manage through all of life’s emotions—both the “good” ones and the “bad” ones.

This is why I talk about not jumping in to fix your child's emotions, not over-suggesting, over-negotiating, over-explaining, over-accommodating, and even over-empathizing.

Your child learns to manage their emotions when given the space to feel them. This doesn’t mean “anything goes”—we’ll get to that—but it’s essential to allow your child to face age-appropriate struggles and experience healthy discomfort.

In other words, it’s okay for them to be unhappy! No need to rush through the difficult feelings.

Switch your: "Don't be sad! What's wrong?! How about we..."

To: "Yes, I can see you're feeling disappointed. I understand. We all feel that way sometimes. When you're ready, let's see what we can do."

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It's not a crisis

Your children are intense, you are not.

Have you noticed that your children tend to be impulsive, immediate, urgent, extreme, emotional...? :)

Yes, of course. This is the nature of children.

But have you also noticed that, in response to their intensity, you often find yourself reacting intensely as well?

Children often create a sense of urgency that we feel compelled to match. In reality, we should aim to do the opposite!

We work to match their intensity with our composure.

We work to slow things down :)—to ease the unnecessary urgency, to slow our automatic reactions, and to calm our own panic. There’s no rush, and it’s not a crisis.

We aim to slow down the false sense of urgency that arises and replace it with space to develop skills and self-regulation.

Remind yourself as often as needed: slow down—it’s not a crisis.

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Look inward

In parenting, and in life, it's incredibly important to become aware of your emotions, your triggers, and your automatic reactions.

The practice of looking inward involves pausing to acknowledge and attend to your emotions before responding to your child.

Once you have your own emotions in check, you can be there for your child as the grounded, responsive parent you strive to be.

Did I mention this might be the most challenging principle :)

I know it can be hard to hear—and even harder to achieve—but the truth is that your heightened emotions don’t help your parenting. In fact, they interfere with your ability to think clearly, hinder rational decision-making, and often lead to the cycle of impulsive reactions followed by guilt.

While your emotions are completely valid and relevant, they are yours to manage—and they’re simply not your most effective parenting tool.

We must commit to the hard work of pausing, acknowledging, validating, and reflecting for ourselves—even before doing it for our children.

We will never be perfect, and mistakes are part of the journey, but we must continue to try and not give up.

This is a lifelong process, and I’m right here on this journey with you.

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Say what you mean

Authentic communication is essential—not just in parenting, but in life.

Clear and direct communication is a vital life skill and this principle teaches you to be aware of what you want to say—and say exactly that. It sounds simple, even obvious, yet you’d be surprised at how challenging it can be.

How often do you find yourself asking your child a question when what you really want to do it make a clear statement?

Time for dinner, ok?

Why aren't you in bed yet?

Why did you hit your sister?!

How often do you feel pressured to give your child a quick answer just to appease them or avoid a meltdown, only to regret your decision later?

Switch your tentative questions to clear and direct statements:

It's dinner time. Come to the table.

It's bedtime and I need you in bed right now.

You cannot hit your sister. You can feel angry, of course. You cannot hit her when you're angry.

(Remember-boundaries are not questions)

Take your time to think through your responses and then stand behind them confidently:

Today, we can't. We will again, soon—not today.

Clear communication is one of the most valuable tools we have, not only to connect with our child, but to connect with ourselves. Your clear communication builds trust and safety within your home.

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Healthy emotions, healthy behaviors

The link between emotions and behaviors is undeniable. You can't address one without the other.

And the path to your child behaving well on the outside is intimately tied to them feeling good on the inside.

Imagine there is a container inside your child that holds their emotions. When the emotions are too big and overwhelming, they fill the container and spill over.

That spillover is the behaviors you see—crying, hitting, screaming, slamming doors, or throwing objects.

Building your child’s emotional regulation skills is like growing that metaphorical container inside them, so that over time, with practice and patience, it can “hold” more emotions before spilling over—or perhaps not spill over at all.

The process of learning to regulate emotions isn’t about your child avoiding or suppressing their feelings. It’s about helping them fully experience their emotions and then learn to contain and manage them.

Coping skills have entered the conversation! :)

These are the skills we build in everyday moments of daily struggle when we give our children the space, time, and opportunity to help themselves.

What would you like to do about this?

How do you think you can help yourself?

You have such good ideas! What's an idea for how we can make this work better?